How to Flirt with Confidence: The Ultimate Guide to Reading Signs, Making a Connection, and Never Being Creepy

By Hemanta Sundaray

PostedJune 23, 2025

Let me ask you something. Have you ever been locked in a conversation, your mind racing, trying to decipher every word, every glance, all to answer one single, maddening question: Is this person flirting with me?

Picture the scene. You’re at a party, you’ve managed to say something genuinely funny to an attractive stranger, and for a few minutes, the conversation flows. There's eye contact. There's laughter. But then, the self-doubt creeps in. Is this just friendliness? Or is it something more?

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. In a world increasingly dominated by digital communication, where a winking emoji is supposed to carry the weight of human connection, the art of flirting can feel more complicated than ever. But it doesn't have to be.

This guide will demystify the process. Drawing on research from social anthropologists and expert dating coaches, we will give you a clear, actionable framework to help you flirt effectively, kindly, and with unshakable confidence—both in-person and over text.

The Philosophy of "Good Flirting": More Than Just a Game

First, let’s redefine our terms. Flirting has a bad name. Too often, it’s seen as a sly attempt to get something from someone—a manipulative promise that leaves its target confused.

But that’s only one regrettable possibility. At its best, good flirting is an act of generosity. It’s an attempt, driven by kindness, to inspire another person to believe more firmly in their own likability. It’s a gift offered not to manipulate, but from a genuine pleasure in seeing what is attractive in another person. The goal isn't necessarily a date or a number; it’s to create a moment of shared confidence and reassurance. It’s about making someone feel seen.

When you embrace this philosophy, the pressure vanishes. Flirting becomes less about performance and more about connection.

The 6 Universal Signs of Flirting: How to Read the Room with HOT APE

So, how do you know when it’s happening? Social anthropologist Jean Smith, a self-described "flirtologist," researched flirting behavior across major world cities and found six universal signals. She created a simple acronym to remember them: HOT APE.

If you can spot these signs, you’ll never have to wonder again.

H is for Humor

Laughter has a powerful physiological effect. When you share a laugh with someone, you are building a real-time connection. Think of humor as a compatibility filter. You don't want to attract everyone; you want to attract the people who get your sense of humor. If you tell a joke and they genuinely laugh, it’s a powerful sign of a match. If they don’t, it’s not a failure—it’s just data.

O is for Open Body Language

A person’s body reveals what their words might not. Look for three key things:

1. Uncrossed arms: Crossed arms create a physical barrier. Open arms signal comfort and receptiveness.
2. Shoulders facing you: If someone’s shoulders are squared up to you, they are engaged. If they are angled away, they are likely looking for an exit.
3. The direction of the feet: This is the most telling signal. As Shakira says the hips don’t lie, the flirtologist is here to say the feet don’t lie. The further our limbs are from our brain, the less consciously we control them. If their feet are pointed toward you, it’s a fantastic sign. If they’re pointing toward the door, their mind is already halfway out of it.

T is for Touch

Like humor, touch can create a positive physiological response and instantly deepen a connection. It’s also the sign people are most wary of, but when used correctly, it can be the clearest way to move an interaction out of the "friend zone." As a general rule, the farther up the arm you go, the more intimate the touch becomes. A light tap on the hand or forearm while saying "You're so funny" is a safe and effective starting point. A brief, light touch on the upper back between the shoulder blades as you pass by is another subtle but powerful gesture.

A is for Attention

This seems obvious—the more attention someone pays you, the more they like you. But when you’re in the middle of a conversation, it’s easy to get lost in your own head. Smith suggests using a technique from anthropology: participant observation. This means you’re participating in the interaction, but you’re also observing it. Don’t be so self-conscious that you can’t see the effect you’re having. Did you touch their arm and see them blush? Did you make a joke and see them lean in closer? That’s when flirting gets really fun.

P is for Proximity

Proximity is used in two ways. The first is when you see someone across a crowded room, and a few minutes later, they’re suddenly standing next to you. This is not a coincidence. It means they liked what they saw and wanted to investigate further. The second is when you’re already talking, and they are standing just a little closer to you than is typical for a normal conversation. If you’re attracted to them, it feels exciting. If you’re not, they’re in your personal space.

E is for Eye Contact

This is it. The number one sign that separates friendly from flirty. In flirting, eye contact is different. The gaze happens more often, it’s held for a fraction of a second longer, and it feels more intense. It’s the primary way people signal interest and understand when someone is flirting with them.

How to Actively Flirt (Without Being Creepy)

Reading signs is one thing; sending them is another. For many, the biggest fear is coming across as creepy. Dating coach Blaine Anderson, whose research on the topic was published in Psychology Today, found that this fear is so pervasive it stops nearly half of men from interacting with women they're interested in at all.

So, how do you flirt without setting off alarm bells?

The Golden Rule: Reframe Your Goal to "Making Them Smile"

First, take the pressure off. According to Anderson, one of the biggest myths is that flirting must be sexually charged from the start. It shouldn’t be.

This reframe is a game-changer. It turns a high-stakes encounter into a low-pressure act of positive engagement. And it’s a skill you can practice on anyone—the barista, the person next to you in line, your colleagues. Don’t wait to try it for the first time on your soulmate.

Your First Impression is Body Language

Before you say a word, your body is already communicating. Stand up straight, make eye contact, and smile. But not just any smile. Research by Dr. Barbara Wild shows that a fake, forced smile does nothing for the other person’s mood. An authentic smile, however, is contagious. The secret? Before you approach someone, think about something that genuinely makes you happy—a funny video, a great memory, a friend who makes you laugh. This will produce a real smile, and that authentic positivity is infectious.

The Safest Way to Start a Conversation

Ditch the pickup lines. They almost never work and often cause an eye-roll, which is the opposite of the smile you’re aiming for. Instead, trigger a positive emotion. Anderson suggests a simple, brilliant script:

• On a Monday: "Did you do anything exciting this past weekend?"
• On a Friday: "Have anything exciting planned for this upcoming weekend?"
• Mid-week: "Working on anything exciting this week?"

These questions prompt people to think about things that make them happy, instantly juicing the conversation with positive energy.

How to Flirt Over Text and Online

The same principles apply to the digital world. An emoji can only get you so far.

• Spark excitement: Use the conversation starters above. They work just as well over text.
• Mirror their style: Subconsciously, we trust people who communicate like us. Pay attention to their texting style. Do they write in paragraphs or short sentences? Do they use a lot of emojis? Subtly mirror their pace and style to build rapport.
• Give better compliments: Instead of a generic "you're cute," comment on something specific from their profile. "That hike in your third picture looks incredible! You look so happy there." It shows you’ve paid attention and are interested in them as a person, not just a face.

Mastering the Art of Subtle Flirting

The best flirting is often subtle. It’s a dance of testing the waters and reading the response.

• The pre-touch bridge: If you’re nervous about touch, use what Blaine Anderson calls a "non-verbal bridge." Before you actually touch someone, you can lean in slightly as they speak to show you’re engaged. Or you can reach your hand out toward them as you make a point, without making contact. Then, pay attention. Do they lean in too? Or do they pull back? Their reaction tells you everything you need to know about whether to proceed with an actual touch.

• The lingering glance: Remember the power of eye contact. Holding someone’s gaze for just a second longer than normal is perhaps the most powerful and subtle flirting tool in your entire arsenal.

Flirting in Different Contexts: A Quick Guide

While the core principles of connection are universal, a skilled flirt knows how to subtly tailor their approach to the situation. Here’s a quick look at how to apply these ideas in a few common contexts.

Flirting with a Guy vs. a Girl

The HOT APE principles are universal. Kindness, attention, and genuine humor work on everyone. The key is not to follow a gendered script, but to be a good "participant observer." Pay attention to the individual in front of you and how they respond.

How to Flirt with Your Husband, Wife, or Crush

Flirting isn't just for single people. Anderson calls it "play for adults." For those in a relationship, it’s about breaking routines and showing continued appreciation. For a crush, it’s about building a connection from the ground up. The tools are the same: a shared laugh, an unexpected compliment, a moment of focused attention.

FAQ: Your Top Flirting Questions Answered

Putting theory into practice naturally brings up some specific questions and concerns. Let's tackle a few of the most common "what ifs" head-on.

What if I get rejected?

Use the HOT APE framework to turn it from a moment of dejection into a fun game. It’s just a checklist. If you went through the steps and the person didn’t respond positively, it’s not an evaluation of your worth. It's simply not a match. You can laugh it off and try with someone else.

How do I know if I'm being creepy?

Creepiness isn’t about showing interest; it’s about ignoring disinterest. You’re being creepy if you are overly sexual too soon, if you ignore negative body language (like them leaning or stepping away), or if you don’t respect their personal space. Good flirting is attentive; creepiness is oblivious.

Is it okay to flirt if I'm in a relationship?

This goes back to the philosophy of "good flirting." If your intent is a kind, harmless boost of confidence with no deceptive promises, it can be a perfectly healthy and positive social interaction. It's a way of celebrating the attractiveness in others without any further agenda.

Your Turn to Make a Connection

Flirting is a learnable skill, and at its core, it is an act of kindness. It’s about making people feel good, including yourself. Forget the complicated rules and the fear of rejection. Focus on the fundamentals: the HOT APE checklist, the simple goal of making someone smile, and the art of paying attention.

The next time you're out, challenge yourself. Be genuine, be brave, and go make a connection.