Contracts of Love & Money That Make or Break Relationships | James Sexton

PostedMay 5, 2025

Here are the top 20 key takeaways from James Sexton's insightful conversation on the Huberman Lab podcast about love, marriage, and the role of contracts in strengthening relationships.

1. Everyone has a prenup

Everyone who gets married has a prenuptial agreement. If you don't create your own, you'll be governed by one written by your state legislature. The government-created prenup can change without your knowledge or consent.

When you consider it this way, the question becomes: would you rather have a contract written by unknown politicians who may be elected or unelected, or one created by two people who love each other? Creating your own prenup allows you to establish rules that work for your specific relationship rather than defaulting to generic state laws.

2. Prenups correlate with successful marriages

According to James Sexton's experience as a divorce lawyer for 25 years, couples who get prenuptial agreements rarely get divorced. Out of thousands of prenups he's drafted, he's only handled about five divorces from those same clients.

This suggests that couples who can have the difficult conversations necessary for a prenup tend to have stronger marriages. The process requires honesty, communication about fears and expectations, and addressing potential challenges. These skills translate to a healthier marriage overall.

3. Contracts can deepen emotional connection

Rather than killing romance, prenuptial agreements can actually enhance intimacy. They create opportunities for couples to discuss what they mean to each other, what they expect, and what they truly value in the relationship.

These conversations encourage vulnerability and honesty. When partners discuss their hopes, fears, and expectations openly, they build deeper trust. The contract becomes a tool for acknowledging reality while strengthening emotional bonds.

4. Marriage is an economy of value

Marriage represents an economy where partners exchange different forms of value. Understanding what each person brings to the relationship helps clarify expectations and appreciation.

Each partner contributes unique qualities, skills, and support. By acknowledging these contributions explicitly, couples can better protect and nurture what matters most to them. This perspective helps partners recognize and appreciate each other's value beyond just romantic feelings.

5. The divorce rate is 56 percent

The current divorce rate stands at approximately 56%, meaning more than half of marriages end in divorce. This high rate suggests that marriage is a risky proposition, yet people continue to enter it without adequate preparation.

Given this statistic, it makes sense to approach marriage with both optimism and realism. The risk of divorce increases with each subsequent marriage, with second and third marriages having even higher failure rates than first marriages.

Social media functions as advertising for an idealized life. Like all advertising, it implicitly tells people they're not okay and could be better if they had something different, creating constant dissatisfaction.

This environment makes relationships particularly valuable as safe spaces where people feel accepted and loved for who they are. However, social media can also damage relationships by presenting a constant stream of alternatives and idealized versions of other relationships, fostering comparison and yearning.

7. Time together doesn't guarantee success

There's no clear correlation between how long people know each other before marriage and the success of their relationship. What matters more is how couples use their time together.

Quality time should involve experiencing each other in various circumstances and emotional states. Seeing your partner at their best and worst, handling stress, and navigating challenges together provides more valuable information than simply accumulating time together.

The purpose of courtship should be to deepen connection and understanding, not just to pass time.

8. Postnups have legal limitations

Postnuptial agreements (contracts made after marriage) have significant legal limitations compared to prenups. They often fail legally due to "want of consideration" - meaning there must be an exchange of value for a contract to be valid.

In a prenup, the consideration is the willingness to marry. In a postnup, staying married isn't legally considered sufficient consideration since it's assumed you would stay married anyway. This makes postnups more vulnerable to being invalidated in court.

9. Men and women experience divorce differently

Men and women tend to have different emotional responses to divorce. Men often express their emotions as anger, while women may be more mercenary once they've decided to end the marriage.

Society also judges divorced men and women differently. A man whose children live with their ex-wife is seen as normal, while a woman whose children live with their ex-husband faces suspicion about her character or parenting abilities. These gender dynamics influence how custody battles unfold and how people approach divorce.

10. Small moments create the strongest bonds

The most meaningful experiences in relationships are often simple, everyday moments rather than grand gestures. These small moments of connection create lasting impressions and emotional bonds.

Examples shared include a father letting his son and friend have the last piece of pizza, or a partner feeling comfortable enough to put an entire container of cream in her coffee. These small instances of vulnerability, generosity, and acceptance create deep emotional memories that sustain relationships.

These moments are particularly valuable because they remain permanently in our memories, unlike temporary highs that leave us wanting more.

11. Romanticized ideals harm relationships

Much like pornography creates unrealistic expectations about sex, romantic comedies and other media create unrealistic expectations about relationships. These portrayals focus on the most exciting parts while ignoring the everyday realities of long-term partnerships.

Most romantic movies end at the beginning of the relationship, avoiding the challenges of actually living together. This creates a distorted view of what love looks like. When real relationships don't match these idealized versions, people may incorrectly conclude they've chosen the wrong partner.

12. Friendship forms the foundation of lasting love

The mellow, comfortable times between partners form a crucial foundation for lasting relationships. The friendship aspect of a relationship provides stability and comfort, particularly in a chaotic world.

Having someone who cheers for you, accepts your flaws, and provides a safe harbor from external criticism is incredibly valuable. Good relationships involve partners who genuinely enjoy each other's company and support each other through life's challenges.

In successful marriages, partners function as teammates rather than critics or competitors.

13. Leave a note: small gestures have big impact

Simple gestures like leaving notes for your partner can have a profound impact on your relationship. These small actions demonstrate attentiveness and appreciation with minimal effort.

Taking 30 seconds to write a note before leaving for work or sending a quick text saying you're thinking of them shows your partner they matter. These gestures communicate that amid life's chaos, you're still focused on them and your connection.

Even in long-term relationships, these small acts of recognition and appreciation help maintain emotional connection and prevent taking each other for granted.

14. Bravery means allowing vulnerability

True bravery in relationships means giving someone the ability to hurt you. Sharing your fears, insecurities, and flaws requires courage because it provides the other person with "ammunition" that could cause pain.

This vulnerability allows for real intimacy, which Sexton defines as the ability to be completely yourself with another person. When you show your authentic self and the other person loves you anyway, you experience a transformative kind of love.

Without this vulnerability, you never truly feel loved because your partner is loving a curated version of you rather than your whole self.

15. Infidelity plays a role in most divorces

According to Sexton, infidelity is a factor in over 90% of divorces he handles. However, the infidelity itself is often a symptom rather than the cause of relationship breakdown.

People frequently mistake correlation for causation, blaming divorce on the affair. But digging deeper usually reveals a longer history of disconnection, unmet needs, or other problems that preceded the infidelity. The affair becomes the breaking point rather than the root cause.

Understanding this can help couples address underlying issues before they lead to more serious breaches of trust.

16. Regular relationship check-ins prevent problems

Scheduled conversations about the relationship can help partners course-correct before problems become severe. One example mentioned is a weekly "walk and talk" where couples share wins, challenges, and areas for improvement.

These structured check-ins promote ongoing communication rather than allowing issues to accumulate. They provide opportunities to celebrate what's working while addressing small problems before they grow into relationship-threatening issues.

Interestingly, the most valuable part of these conversations is often identifying what each partner is doing right, not wrong.

17. Men and women react differently to infidelity

Men and women typically have different primary concerns when discovering infidelity. Men often immediately ask about the physical aspect ("Did you sleep with him?"), while women typically want to know about emotional attachment ("Do you love her?").

These different questions reflect different relationship values and fears. For men, the physical betrayal often feels most threatening, while for women, the potential loss of emotional connection and value often causes greater concern.

This insight reveals how differently men and women may process relationship challenges and what aspects of betrayal feel most painful to each.

18. Endings don't negate value

The end of a relationship doesn't mean it wasn't valuable or worthwhile. Just as every good movie eventually ends, relationships can provide meaning and growth even if they don't last forever.

Sexton argues against measuring a relationship's success solely by its longevity. A relationship that enhances both people's lives for a period before ending can be more successful than one that continues for decades but makes both parties miserable.

The quality of time together matters more than the quantity. What's important is whether the relationship made both people's lives better while it lasted.

19. Traditional gender roles influence marriage expectations

Traditional gender roles continue to influence how men and women approach marriage. Women often envision their wedding day from a young age and view marriage as a significant life milestone, while men typically approach it more pragmatically.

Many men describe getting married because "that's what you do" or because it was important to their partner, rather than because they personally dreamed of a wedding. Women more frequently initiate conversations about relationship progression and commitment.

These different approaches aren't necessarily negative but reflect both biological and cultural factors that shape how men and women view relationships.

20. Real love sees and accepts flaws

True romance involves seeing someone's quirks and flaws and loving them anyway. Using the movie "True Romance" as an example, Sexton explains that real love isn't about finding a perfect person but about recognizing someone's essence despite their imperfections.

This acceptance stands in stark contrast to the idealized versions of partners promoted on social media. When you see someone completely—with all their weaknesses, peculiarities, and shortcomings—and still choose them, that's authentic love.

This kind of acceptance allows both partners to be their authentic selves without fear of judgment or rejection, creating a foundation for lasting connection.