How to Control Your Inner Voice & Increase Your Resilience | Dr. Ethan Kross

Here are the top 20 key takeaways from Dr. Ethan Kross's conversation with Andrew Huberman about managing your inner voice and building emotional resilience.

1. The inner voice is a powerful cognitive tool

The inner voice is our ability to silently use language to reflect on our lives. Dr. Kross describes it as a "Swiss army knife" that serves multiple functions. It acts as our verbal working memory system, helping us keep information active for short periods. This is how we memorize phone numbers, remember grocery lists, and rehearse what we want to say before important conversations.

Our inner voice also helps us with simulation, planning, and motivation. Before presentations or difficult situations, many people report going over what they'll say, using their inner voice to prepare. During challenging activities like exercise, people often talk to themselves internally for motivation or to push through difficult moments.

2. Chatter represents the dark side of our inner voice

Chatter occurs when our inner voice gets stuck in negative thought loops without making progress. This often takes the form of repetitive negative self-talk or ruminating on problems without resolution. Dr. Kross explains that chatter consumes our attentional resources, acting like a sponge that soaks up our mental capacity.

When experiencing chatter, we lose the ability to focus on problem-solving and creativity. This interference with cognitive function is one of chatter's most significant liabilities. It can undermine our ability to think clearly and effectively, making it harder to deal with challenges constructively.

3. Emotion regulation employs multiple "shifters"

Dr. Kross categorizes emotion regulation tools as "shifters" that can be internal or external. Internal shifters include sensory shifters (music, touch, visual stimuli), attentional shifters (directing our focus), and perspective shifters (reframing, distancing). These internal tools help us manage emotions from within.

External shifters include our relationships with others, our physical spaces, and even broader cultural contexts. These external factors powerfully influence our emotional states. Dr. Kross emphasizes that most people use multiple tools (on average 3-4) daily to regulate emotions, and the combination varies between individuals and situations.

4. Distance self-talk is an effective tool for managing chatter

One powerful technique for managing negative inner voice patterns is using your own name when talking to yourself. This creates psychological distance that helps you gain perspective on your problems. Dr. Kross explains that when we use our own name, we shift from a first-person immersed perspective to a more detached, third-person viewpoint.

This distancing technique helps reduce emotional reactivity and increases wisdom. Research shows that using your own name or the second-person "you" activates the part of your brain associated with giving advice to others. This allows you to access the same good counsel you'd give a friend when facing your own challenges.

5. Mental time travel helps broaden perspective

Mental time travel (or "temporal distancing") involves asking yourself how you'll feel about a current problem in the future. Dr. Kross describes his "2 a.m. chatter strategy": when waking with racing thoughts at night, he asks himself, "Ethan, how will you feel about this tomorrow morning?"

This technique works because it reminds us that our current emotional state is temporary. By projecting ourselves into the future, we gain distance from immediate emotions and activate the understanding that things will eventually pass. This perspective shift turns down the volume on chatter and helps restore calm.

6. Sensory experiences are powerful emotion shifters

Dr. Kross discusses how sensory experiences like music, touch, taste, and visual stimuli can quickly shift emotional states. He notes that while 95% of people report listening to music to feel good, only 10-30% consciously use music as an emotion regulation strategy during difficult times. This represents a missed opportunity for easy emotion management.

These sensory tools can be particularly valuable because they require little effort. Unlike more demanding emotion regulation strategies, sensory shifters can quickly and easily push emotions in desired directions. Dr. Kross gave the example of how playing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" instantly shifted his daughter's mood from reluctance to enthusiasm about soccer.

7. Nature exposure has cognitive and emotional benefits

Spending time in natural settings provides multiple psychological benefits. Dr. Kross explains that nature can be cognitively restorative, gently capturing our attention with trees, flowers, and sounds without depleting mental resources. This gives our directed attention systems a chance to recover.

Natural settings also frequently elicit the emotion of awe, which we experience when encountering something vast and indescribable. This broadens our perspective and creates a "shrinking of the self" effect where our problems feel smaller in comparison. These environmental tools are "hidden in plain sight" and readily available for emotional regulation.

8. Strategic space modification impacts emotional states

The way we organize our physical spaces can significantly influence our emotional states. Dr. Kross notes that many people reflexively start organizing their surroundings when experiencing chatter. This compensatory control helps establish external order when feeling internal disorder.

We can also strategically modify our spaces to support emotion regulation goals. Examples include removing temptations (like pizza from the refrigerator), keeping phones face-down or out of sight during conversations, or creating dedicated areas for relaxation. These environmental modifications act as "physical shifters" that help manage emotions.

9. Venting emotions without problem-solving can be harmful

Contrary to popular belief, simply venting negative emotions doesn't help resolve them and may actually make things worse. Dr. Kross explains that while emotional expression strengthens social bonds, venting without constructive follow-up leads to "co-rumination" that amplifies negative feelings.

Effective emotional support involves two steps: first validating the person's experience, then helping them broaden their perspective and problem-solve. Dr. Kross recommends having a "chatter advisory board" of trusted individuals who know to provide both validation and perspective, rather than just sympathizing.

10. Intrusive thoughts are normal and often adaptive

Dr. Kross normalizes the experience of intrusive thoughts, including disturbing or violent ones. He shares his own example of occasionally having the intrusive thought of dropping a dumbbell on someone at the gym. Rather than indicating something is wrong, these thoughts often represent the brain's way of simulating worst-case scenarios to prevent them.

Understanding the normalcy of intrusive thoughts can be liberating. When we recognize that such thoughts are common and don't reflect our character or intentions, we can experience them without distress. As long as we're not acting on these thoughts, they're simply a quirk of how our brains work rather than a sign of moral corruption.

11. Writing helps structure disorganized thoughts

The expressive writing technique developed by James Pennebaker (writing freely about distressing experiences for 15-20 minutes daily) is highly effective for processing difficult emotions. Dr. Kross explains that writing imposes structure on our typically disorganized mental streams, creating coherent narratives out of chaotic thoughts.

Unlike our inner verbal streams, which can go in many directions simultaneously, writing forces us to organize thoughts into sentences and paragraphs. This structure helps us process experiences more effectively. While writing requires some effort, making it an underutilized tool, its benefits for emotional wellbeing are supported by extensive research.

12. Flexible attention deployment is key to adaptive coping

Dr. Kross challenges the common advice to always confront emotional problems head-on. Research shows that adaptive coping involves flexibility in attention deployment—sometimes focusing on problems, other times distracting ourselves temporarily. He cites his grandmother, a Holocaust survivor who limited her engagement with traumatic memories to specific occasions.

This strategic attention deployment allows us to engage with emotional challenges when productive while giving ourselves mental breaks when needed. The ability to flexibly direct our attention toward or away from emotional stimuli represents a sophisticated form of emotional regulation that avoids rigid "always approach" or "always avoid" rules.

13. Different environments can provide cognitive restoration

Some people find mental clarity in natural, quiet settings, while others thrive in busy, stimulating environments. Dr. Kross discusses how both nature and urban environments like New York City can provide cognitive benefits, depending on the individual. What matters is finding environments that match your particular cognitive needs.

The key insight is recognizing which environments help your mind achieve its optimal state. Some people focus best amid clutter and noise, while others need order and quiet. Understanding your personal environmental preferences can help you strategically choose settings that support your cognitive and emotional wellbeing.

14. The WOOP framework turns goals into action

The WOOP framework (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan) provides a structured approach to emotion regulation. First, clearly identify your wish or goal. Second, envision the positive outcome of achieving that goal to build motivation. Third, realistically assess potential obstacles, both internal and external, that might interfere.

Finally, create specific "if-then" plans for each obstacle: "If X happens, then I will do Y." This approach makes emotion regulation more automatic by linking specific triggers to prepared responses. Dr. Kross shares how he has if-then plans ready for when chatter strikes, allowing him to implement tools immediately rather than having to figure them out in the moment.

15. Modern technology brings new emotional challenges

Dr. Kross discusses how social media and smartphones have fundamentally altered how we manage emotions. In pre-digital times, sharing emotions required finding someone to talk to (during which time emotions naturally subsided) and engaging with their feedback. Technology removes both these constraints, allowing immediate, unfiltered emotional expression.

This explains why people often say things online they would never say face-to-face. While digital platforms can spread important messages quickly, they can also amplify negative emotional states by removing natural constraints on emotional expression. Understanding these dynamics helps us use technology more mindfully.

16. Emotions are functional when properly regulated

All emotions, even negative ones, serve important functions when experienced in the right proportions. Dr. Kross explains that sadness, for example, occurs when we've experienced a loss we can't immediately rectify. It motivates introspection, slows our physiology to allow reflection, and signals to others that we might need support.

Problems arise when emotions become too intense or last too long. The goal isn't to eliminate negative emotions but to experience them in ways that serve their function without overwhelming us. Sometimes being firm with ourselves or experiencing appropriate negative emotions can be motivational and adaptive.

17. Flow states provide relief from mental chatter

Engaging in activities that fully capture our attention can provide relief from mental chatter. Dr. Kross discusses how activities that hit the "sweet spot" between challenging and manageable create flow states where self-consciousness falls away and time perception changes. During these states, our minds are too occupied to ruminate.

Flow states occur when the demands of a situation perfectly match our skills. This creates immersion that leaves little mental space for chatter. Activities that induce flow—whether physical like ultramarathons or cognitive like deep conversation—can be particularly valuable for people with high baseline levels of mental activity.

18. Social settings powerfully influence emotional regulation

The social environments we inhabit significantly impact our emotional experiences. Dr. Kross mentions how different contexts—academic settings, podcast studios, homes—each have their own emotional cultures that influence which emotions are valued and how they're expressed.

Emotional contagion, where emotions spread quickly between people, can be particularly powerful in group settings. This phenomenon explains why managing the emotional tone of teams, classrooms, or any group is crucial—negative emotions can rapidly undermine group performance. Being aware of emotional contagion helps us navigate social environments more effectively.

19. Our inner voice develops from external speech

According to Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky, children initially develop self-control through external speech. Children often repeat instructions they've heard from parents out loud, sometimes through imaginary friends or toys. This external self-talk gradually becomes internalized as our inner voice.

Interestingly, during moments of extreme stress, many adults revert to talking to themselves out loud. This suggests we may return to more primordial forms of self-regulation during challenging times. Understanding this developmental trajectory helps normalize both our inner dialogue and occasional external self-talk.

20. Emotional flexibility is more important than rigid rules

Throughout the conversation, Dr. Kross emphasizes that emotional regulation isn't about following rigid rules but developing flexibility. There are no one-size-fits-all solutions for managing emotions. What works varies between individuals and across situations, with most people using multiple strategies rather than relying on a single approach.

The goal isn't to eliminate negative emotions or always maintain positive ones, but to develop a repertoire of tools that can be deployed flexibly as needed. This flexibility—in attention, perspective, social engagement, and tool selection—characterizes effective emotional regulation. The "good life" involves having healthy goals for our emotional experience and the means to achieve them.