How to Deal With High Conflict People | Bill Eddy

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Andrew Huberman's insightful conversation with Bill Eddy about managing high conflict personalities and protecting your mental wellbeing in challenging relationships.

1. Understanding high conflict personalities

High conflict personalities are characterized by a preoccupation with blaming others rather than taking personal responsibility. These individuals account for roughly 10% of the population but can cause a disproportionate amount of conflict in relationships, workplaces, and social settings. Bill Eddy distinguishes high conflict personalities from clinical personality disorders, noting that while there's significant overlap, they're not identical.

The key distinction is that approximately half of people with personality disorders exhibit high conflict behaviors. What makes high conflict people particularly challenging is their persistent pattern of conflict-creating behavior combined with their tendency to blame others for their problems. This blame-shifting is their defining characteristic.

2. The web method for identifying high conflict people

The WEB method (Words, Emotions, Behavior) is a practical approach for recognizing high conflict personalities. First, pay attention to their words - high conflict people often use blame language and all-or-nothing thinking. Second, notice your own emotional reactions - your gut feeling might detect something concerning before your conscious mind does. Third, observe their behavior - high conflict people often engage in actions that 90-99% of people would never do.

This method encourages observing patterns across multiple encounters and settings rather than making snap judgments. If someone shows the same problematic behaviors in different contexts (work, family, public settings), it suggests a pervasive pattern consistent with a high conflict personality. Your intuitive response to someone can provide valuable information about potentially concerning behaviors.

3. The first year principle for relationships

Eddy strongly recommends waiting at least one year before making significant commitments in relationships, such as getting engaged, married, or having children. During this period, people with high conflict personalities or personality disorders often cannot maintain their initially charming facade. Close relationships tend to reveal these challenging behaviors that might remain hidden in casual or professional interactions.

The first year provides time to see how a person handles stress, disappointment, and conflict. It also allows opportunities to observe them in various settings with different people, especially with their family and close friends. This waiting period creates space to identify concerning patterns before deeper commitments make separation more complicated and painful.

4. Emotional contagion and negative advocates

High conflict individuals are skilled at recruiting "negative advocates" - people who become emotionally invested in their perspective and fight battles on their behalf. This happens through emotional contagion, where the intense feelings expressed by high conflict individuals activate similar emotional circuits in others. These supporters often become "emotionally hooked but uninformed," defending the high conflict person without understanding the full situation.

Neuroscience research suggests our brains are wired to absorb and mirror others' emotional states through structures like the claustrum and anterior cingulate cortex. Over time, this can create a heightened sensitivity where smaller stimuli trigger larger internal emotional responses. This explains why groups supporting high conflict individuals often become increasingly extreme in their positions rather than moderating them.

5. The cars method for managing interactions

The CARS method provides a practical framework for interacting with high conflict personalities: Connect, Analyze, Respond, and Set limits. "Connect" means establishing rapport through empathy, attention, and respect. This calms their emotional reactivity and helps them feel heard. "Analyze" involves encouraging them to think logically by presenting problems as choices or having them write lists of concerns.

"Respond" requires giving brief, informative, friendly, and firm (BIFF) responses to avoid unnecessary arguments. Keep communications factual rather than emotional. Finally, "Set limits" means establishing clear behavioral boundaries with specific consequences for violations. High conflict people often respond better to consequences than to reasoning about their behavior. This method helps manage interactions without escalating conflicts.

6. The four "forget about it" principles

When dealing with high conflict people, there are four critical things to avoid: First, forget about trying to give them insight into their behavior, as this typically triggers defensiveness rather than self-awareness. Second, forget about emphasizing past events, as high conflict individuals remain stuck in past grievances and don't process them effectively. Focus instead on present solutions and future options.

Third, forget about focusing on emotions, as high conflict people often get overwhelmed by emotional discussions and may struggle to move beyond feelings of hurt or anger. Direct conversations toward thinking and problem-solving instead. Fourth, forget about labeling or diagnosing them with terms like "narcissist" or "borderline personality." Such labeling creates resistance and damages any potential for productive interaction.

7. How to disengage from high conflict relationships

When ending a relationship with a high conflict person, avoid direct blame or criticism of their behavior. This approach typically triggers extreme defensive reactions, potentially leading to stalking, litigation, or other retaliatory behaviors. Similarly, don't blame yourself or make excessive apologies, as this reinforces their victim mentality and may give false hope about reconciliation.

Instead, frame the separation in neutral terms: "We're not a good fit," "Our goals have diverged," or "I need more independence." Consider a gradual disengagement in stages rather than an abrupt break, allowing the high conflict person to adjust to the changing relationship. However, if there are safety concerns or risks of sabotage, an immediate and complete break with appropriate safeguards may be necessary.

8. The phenomenon of "hoovering"

"Hoovering" describes how high conflict individuals try to pull former partners back into relationships after apparent breakups. When aggressive tactics fail to prevent separation, they often switch to appealing behaviors like pleading, seduction, or promises of change. This emotional vacillation between rage and desperate reconnection attempts is particularly common in individuals with certain personality disorder traits.

The term refers to how they "vacuum" people back into dysfunctional relationships. Many people report being drawn back despite knowing better, often through powerful emotional or sexual reconnections that temporarily override rational judgment. Awareness of this pattern helps people maintain boundaries during separation processes and resist manipulation tactics designed to restart cycles of conflict and reconciliation.

9. The impact of smaller families and social media

Modern family structures with fewer children may contribute to high conflict dynamics. In larger families, children naturally develop conflict resolution skills by negotiating with siblings. With fewer siblings, children have fewer opportunities to learn these essential social skills. Parents with only one or two children may also become overly enmeshed with them, potentially modeling high conflict behaviors.

Social media has created another concerning trend: high conflict individuals now find communities that reinforce rather than moderate their problematic behaviors. Traditionally, social groups provided feedback that discouraged antisocial or bullying behaviors. Now, online communities sometimes validate and amplify these tendencies. This shift from community-based correction to community-based reinforcement of problematic behaviors represents a significant challenge in addressing high conflict personalities.

10. The origins of personality disorders and compassionate understanding

Personality disorders and high conflict traits likely develop through a combination of three factors: genetic predisposition (accounting for 20-80% depending on the specific disorder), early childhood experiences (particularly attachment disruptions), and cultural environment. Understanding this complex causality helps maintain compassion rather than judgment toward these individuals, who didn't choose their conditions.

This perspective shifts focus from blaming high conflict people to adapting one's own approach when interacting with them. Rather than trying to "fix" them or cut them off entirely, the goal becomes managing the relationship effectively. This compassionate but realistic stance recognizes that while they may not change fundamentally, practical strategies can still lead to more constructive interactions and outcomes.