Overcoming Guilt & Building Tenacity in Kids & Adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Here are the top 20 powerful insights from Dr. Becky Kennedy on parenting, emotional intelligence, and building resilience in both children and adults.

1. Emotions are normal and unstoppable

Children are exceptionally perceptive about their parents' emotional states. Rather than trying to hide emotions, parents should acknowledge them and provide context. When children notice a parent is sad or upset, the absence of information is more frightening than the emotion itself.

Providing a coherent narrative helps children process emotional situations. For example, if a family member dies, explaining the situation truthfully (rather than making up stories like "they went to sleep") creates a container for the emotional experience. This approach builds resilience in children and teaches them how to process difficult emotions.

2. Information doesn't scare kids as much as lack of information

When difficult situations arise, children find the absence of explanations more destabilizing than the truth. Even young children can handle difficult truths when delivered with care and support from a trusted adult. Making up stories to "protect" children often backfires.

Dr. Kennedy explains that children need coherent narratives to process experiences. Without proper explanation, children are left with "unformulated experience" - affect and experiences that float freely in their bodies. These unprocessed experiences can later manifest as triggers or emotional issues in adulthood.

3. Parents should acknowledge children's emotional awareness

When a child notices a parent is upset, validating their perception builds confidence. Using phrases like "you were right to notice that" acknowledges the child's perceptiveness and emotional intelligence. This approach respects children's ability to read emotional cues.

After acknowledging the child's observation, parents should explain why they're feeling that way in age-appropriate terms. For younger children, it's important to reassure them with statements like "I'm not dying" or "I'm sad but I'm still your strong mom who can take care of you." This creates safety while honoring their perceptiveness.

4. Children can accept consolation without being parentified

There's a difference between a child showing empathy and being parentified. Empathy means noticing someone's feelings and caring about them, not taking responsibility for managing those feelings. Parents can accept gestures of comfort from children without burdening them with adult emotional needs.

The line is drawn when children begin to feel responsible for their parent's emotional state. Parents should acknowledge children's caring behaviors while also making clear that adult emotions are not the child's responsibility. Phrases like "I love that you're noticing I'm sad and I love that you care, but these are my feelings and I'm able to take care of them myself" help maintain appropriate boundaries.

5. Self-care is the foundation of good parenting

Self-care isn't just about getting manicures—it's about taking care of your inner life, addressing triggers, setting boundaries, and valuing your own needs. Parents who prioritize their own emotional health create space for their children to develop freely rather than carrying the parent's emotional burdens.

When parents neglect their own self-care, children often end up carrying parental emotions. Dr. Kennedy emphasizes that parenting is "a journey of self-care" where the parent's job is to be the sturdiest person possible. Having a strong support network prevents parents from leaning on children for emotional support, which isn't appropriate for the parent-child relationship.

6. Guilt is misunderstood and often mislabeled

True guilt is the feeling we have when we act out of alignment with our values. It's actually a useful emotion that prompts reflection and growth. Often what we call "guilt" is actually something else—taking on other people's emotions at the expense of our own needs.

Dr. Kennedy explains that many people, especially women, were taught to prioritize others' emotions over their own. When someone says, "I feel guilty about going out with friends instead of putting my child to bed," they're likely experiencing not guilt but rather taking their child's disappointment and making it their own. Recognizing this distinction helps people maintain appropriate boundaries.

7. Giving feelings back to their rightful owner

When we mistake others' feelings for our own, we need to give those feelings back to their rightful owners. This creates a boundary that allows for true empathy rather than emotional merging. It's not your job to manage other people's feelings about your legitimate choices.

Dr. Kennedy uses the visual of a tennis court with a glass table in the middle. Your feelings are on your side, their feelings are on their side. When you make a decision (like going out with friends), your child's disappointment stays on their side of the court. This allows you to empathize without abandoning your own needs: "You really wish I would put you to bed tonight. You're right, it feels different when grandma does it. I'm going out. It's okay if you're upset."

8. Embodying appropriate authority

Parents have authority, not because they have power over children, but because their role involves creating conditions for children's long-term success. Statements like "my number one job is to keep you safe" help children understand the parent's role and responsibility.

Children feel secure when parents confidently embrace their authority. Even when children protest boundaries, they ultimately find comfort in knowing parents are looking out for their well-being. Dr. Kennedy shares that when she asked her seven-year-old what makes a good parent, he replied: "means you're kind of strict...you have certain rules that you think matter...but it also means like you also have to be loving and fun."

9. Avoiding behavior-based value statements

When families have rules like "we don't cry in public" or "we don't swear," they tie behaviors to identity and moral worth. This creates shame when children inevitably experience emotions that overpower their skills. Instead, focus on intentions and values like honesty and kindness.

Dr. Kennedy explains that behaviors are manifestations of feelings that overpower skills. Saying "we don't do certain behaviors" doesn't make logical sense because everyone will have moments when their emotions exceed their regulation abilities. Instead of behavior-focused statements, parents should help children develop skills to manage overwhelming emotions while maintaining their sense of inherent worth.

10. The learning space requires frustration

Learning occurs in the space between not knowing and knowing, and this space naturally contains frustration. Rather than trying to eliminate frustration, parents should help children understand that it's a normal part of the learning process. The feeling of accomplishing something difficult builds capability and confidence.

When parents rush to solve problems for children out of discomfort with their frustration, they rob children of developing capability. Dr. Kennedy gives an example of a child struggling with a puzzle: "The feeling you get when you think you can't do something, kind of take a deep breath, maybe take a break, maybe even the next day, watch yourself do that thing is literally the best feeling in the world. It is the best feeling, it becomes addictive and I will not take that feeling away from you."

11. Slow is not low

Taking time to slow down and process emotions is not a sign of weakness or depression. In our technology-driven world with constant stimulation, the ability to embrace slower moments is increasingly valuable. Learning that "slow isn't low" helps both children and adults develop patience and emotional regulation.

The constant influx of information from technology has conditioned our brains to expect immediate gratification. This makes it difficult to tolerate the natural frustration that comes with learning. By practicing and valuing slower processes, we develop resilience and the ability to persist through challenges rather than seeking quick escapes.

12. Making first steps small enough

When something feels too hard to start, it means the first step isn't small enough. Breaking tasks down into increasingly smaller steps until you find one you can accomplish builds momentum and confidence. This approach applies to everything from writing to asking for a raise.

Dr. Kennedy shares advice from her second-grade teacher, Miss Edson: "If something feels too hard to start, it just means that the first step isn't small enough." When facing something that feels impossible, make the step smaller and smaller until you find something manageable. Even tiny wins build the "I can" circuit in your brain, creating momentum for bigger challenges.

13. Projection stems from difficulty identifying our own emotions

When people project emotions onto others (saying "you're stressed" when they're the one feeling stress), it often reflects difficulty recognizing their own emotional states. This usually stems from childhood experiences where emotions were punished, ridiculed, or dismissed. Without a framework for understanding their own emotional life, people attribute those feelings to others.

Dr. Kennedy suggests that projection reveals a vulnerable and sad relationship with one's emotions. The inability to recognize "this feeling is mine" leads to the question "who did this feeling to me?" Rather than confronting projections directly in heated moments, she recommends softening your approach and addressing patterns later when emotions have settled.

14. Stories build connection and reduce shame

Sharing personal stories of mistakes helps children understand they're not alone in making errors or having difficult feelings. When we tell stories about our own struggles, we create safety for children to acknowledge their mistakes without shame. Stories are more powerful than lectures for teaching life lessons.

Dr. Kennedy illustrates this with an example of catching her son taking puzzle pieces. Rather than punishing him, she shared a story about taking her sister's stickers as a child and lying about it. This story helped her son see that everyone makes mistakes, reducing his shame and creating space for him to later return the puzzle pieces and take responsibility without fear of rejection.

15. Viewing struggles as opportunities

Each challenge a child faces is an opportunity to build skills they'll need throughout life. Rather than seeing struggles as problems to fix, parents can view them as valuable chances to develop resilience, frustration tolerance, and emotional regulation. Early experiences with overcoming difficulties create the foundation for future success.

Dr. Kennedy notes that children who experience some struggle early on often develop better coping mechanisms than those whose paths are always smooth. She shares how her daughter's speech difficulties, while challenging, provided early experiences with working hard and overcoming obstacles—experiences that build resilience and confidence in one's ability to handle future challenges.

16. Children develop capability by overcoming challenges

Children build a sense of capability not from easy success but from experiencing and overcoming difficulties. When parents constantly remove obstacles to make things easier, they unintentionally deprive children of the opportunity to develop confidence in their ability to handle challenges.

Dr. Kennedy believes the antidote to anxiety is capability. When children experience themselves getting through hard things, they develop genuine confidence. This differs from praise-based confidence, which creates pressure and fragility. True capability comes from the lived experience of facing frustration, persisting, and eventually succeeding through one's own efforts.

17. Technology is changing our relationship to frustration

Modern technology provides immediate gratification and constant stimulation, making it harder to develop frustration tolerance. This shift impacts parenting as both parents and children become less capable of handling delays in gratification. Parents with lower frustration tolerance may be quicker to give in to tantrums to make their own discomfort stop.

Dr. Kennedy explains that our diminishing capacity for frustration tolerance affects how children develop emotional regulation. When parents constantly seek to make things easier and more convenient (for themselves and their children), they inadvertently create conditions that make children more anxious and fragile. Recognizing this pattern allows parents to intentionally create opportunities for developing frustration tolerance.

18. Lowering stakes helps build confidence

Creating low-stakes opportunities to experience both success and failure helps build resilience. Simple activities like board games allow children to practice losing without catastrophic consequences. When parents model participating in activities they're not good at, they show children that worth isn't tied to performance.

Dr. Kennedy shares how she regularly plays Categories with her family despite being "horrible" at it. This demonstrates to her children that it's possible to enjoy activities even when you're not the best at them. These experiences help children separate their identity and worth from their performance, allowing them to take more risks and try new things.

19. Children learn from watching parents struggle

When children only see parents' capabilities and never their struggles, they develop unrealistic expectations about learning. By occasionally modeling your own learning process—including mistakes, frustration, and perseverance—you give children permission to be imperfect learners too.

Dr. Kennedy suggests narrating your own struggles with new skills: "I cannot finish this crossword puzzle... I just I really struggled with it and then I was like, oh, I can't do it, I can't do it and then I took a deep breath and I tried it a little more." This shows children that everyone, even adults they admire, faces challenges and works through frustration to learn new things.

20. The power of mantras and songs for building regulation

Simple mantras and songs can help encode coping strategies in children's brains. Putting frustration management techniques into song creates an accessible tool that children can recall and use independently. Music organizes information in ways that make it easier to remember and implement.

Dr. Kennedy describes creating a simple song for her son when he was struggling with a puzzle: "If it doesn't fit, put it to the side and try another piece." Later, she overheard him singing this song to himself while working through frustration. These musical "cheat codes" for coping skills become internalized strategies that children can access when facing challenges, building their independence and resilience.