9 Ways People Destroy Their Own Relationships - Jillian Turecki

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from relationship expert Jillian Turecki's conversation with Chris Williamson that reveal how we often sabotage our own relationships and what we can do to build healthier connections instead.

1. It begins with you

Self-awareness is the foundation of healthy relationships. All the disappointment, confusion, and drama in relationships can be traced back to our universal fear of not being enough. When we feel insecure or afraid we're not good enough, we act out in relationships - clinging, lashing out, shutting down, or being angry.

We are the common denominator in all our relationships, which means we have the power to change things. No one will stand in your way more than yourself, and no one will lie to you more than you lie to yourself. Looking within is the first step to changing your relationship patterns.

2. The mind is a battlefield

Our minds constantly create stories about our relationships, and if we don't question our thoughts and beliefs, these stories can destroy our relationships. We are story-making machines, assigning meaning to everything our partners do or say, often creating negative narratives that have little basis in reality.

The mind is designed to keep us safe, not to make us happy. When stuck in our heads, we become reactive rather than responsive. To get out of the battlefield of your mind, first connect with your body through breathing or movement. Then question your thoughts using Byron Katie's approach: "Is it true? Are you sure it's true?"

3. Lust is not the same as love

The euphoria we feel when first meeting someone is often confused with love. This initial excitement has less to do with the person and more to do with the novelty, adventure, and freedom from monotony they represent. This honeymoon phase typically lasts three to nine months before reality sets in.

Love is not just a feeling but a verb - an intentional practice. Mature love says, "I see all of you - your nuances, shortcomings, brilliance, quirks, and past - and I choose you." Immature love says, "I am in love with my projected idealization of you, and the moment you show me you're real, I'm going to pull away."

4. Self-love is essential

While you don't need to completely love yourself to be in a relationship, how you feel about yourself directly impacts the quality of your relationships. People who struggle to see their value often tolerate unacceptable behavior from partners.

Self-love is essentially self-acceptance - understanding that you have work to do while recognizing your inherent worth. It's about holding yourself in high regard despite your flaws. When self-esteem is too low, people pretend to be someone they're not, run from intimacy, or tolerate abusive behavior.

5. Speaking up is crucial

Hiding our feelings, needs, or observations causes relationships to spiral quickly. Many people don't tell the whole truth about how they feel - not necessarily lying, but omitting important information out of fear of rejection or conflict.

Not speaking the truth leads to resentment and relationship deterioration. It's a form of self-betrayal and partner betrayal, as it prevents them from contributing to your happiness. The alternative to speaking up is far worse than the discomfort of vulnerability.

6. Accountability transforms relationships

Being fully accountable means taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts, perspectives, and behaviors in a relationship. This doesn't mean assigning equal blame for problems, but recognizing your own contribution to difficulties.

Accountability includes being aware of when you're projecting past experiences onto your partner. People with high emotional intelligence take responsibility for their projections, insecurities, and communication patterns. Two partners who consistently ask "How am I complicit in what's not working?" will likely have an exceptional relationship.

7. Managing the post-honeymoon transition How people handle the transition from the honeymoon stage to the more comfortable, committed stage largely determines the longevity of their relationship. When the initial euphoria fades, many mistakenly believe something is wrong rather than seeing it as a natural evolution.

The post-honeymoon phase offers the opportunity to explore real emotional connection, build trust, and develop camaraderie. This is when you can go deeper and establish safety, respect, and genuine support. The danger in this phase is taking your partner for granted - continue pursuing them and being curious about who they are.

8. Showing up as your best self matters

Many people put their best foot forward in the beginning of a relationship but stop making an effort once comfortable. They mistakenly believe that their partner should love them regardless of consistently showing up stressed, moody, irritable, or cold.

The "law of familiarity" means we get used to something and take it for granted. We forget that our partner is a gift, not a given. Relationship quality depends on mindfulness and continued effort - you can't do all the wonderful things in the beginning, then stop, and expect the relationship to thrive.

9. No one is coming to save you

Many enter relationships hoping their partner will fulfill them and solve their problems. Even though we logically understand this isn't true, we often harbor the fantasy that the "right person" will make everything better.

Fulfillment can only come from within. A healthy relationship adds to your life and makes your path better, but no one can walk your path but you. This perspective shift helps prevent resentment toward partners for not making you "happy enough."

10. Safety is fundamental for women

Women prioritize feeling safe in relationships - both physically and emotionally. This need for safety is deeply rooted and often not fully understood by men. Women want partners whose presence makes them feel protected and secure.

Women want emotional safety too - the ability to express their emotions without their partner becoming defensive or distant. Many women report wishing their emotions didn't scare their partners away. Men often feel responsible for women's happiness and become uncomfortable when women aren't happy, but women need the freedom to experience their full range of emotions without judgment.