Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing？ - Dr John Delony

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Chris Williamson's conversation with Dr. John Delony on relationships, personal growth, and emotional wellbeing.

1. The power of presence in difficult times

Being present for someone going through hardship doesn't require words or answers. Dr. Delony shares a powerful story about his wife's ectopic pregnancy and how a friend simply sat with him for hours without speaking. This silent presence provided more comfort than any advice could have.

In our culture that values talking and providing solutions, we often overlook the healing power of simply being present. Dr. Delony emphasizes that bringing food, mowing someone's lawn, or just sitting with them can be more meaningful than trying to fix their problems. The most important gift you can offer someone in pain is your presence, not your wisdom.

2. The dilemma of loving yourself for who you are versus what you do

Many people want others to love them for who they are while they only love themselves for what they do. This creates an impossible standard where you judge yourself harshly based on productivity and achievements but expect others to love you unconditionally.

Dr. Delony shares a personal story about his wife confronting him when he was celebrating landing speaking gigs while sick with COVID. She pointed out that he was choosing success over wellbeing, making him realize he couldn't say "I love this man" about himself. This disconnect between how we want to be loved and how we love ourselves creates significant internal conflict.

3. The difference between needs and wants in relationships

Framing relationship desires as "needs" creates a transactional dynamic. When we say "I need you to do this," we turn relationships into obligation-based interactions. The more vulnerable and authentic approach is expressing wants: "I want you to do this."

Needs feel non-negotiable and place burden on partners. Wants acknowledge agency and create space for genuine desire. Dr. Delony suggests that asking "Do you want me?" is scarier but more honest than declaring "I need you to meet my needs." This reframing transforms how couples communicate and understand each other's desires.

4. Why we date people we think need fixing

People often enter relationships with partners they feel need fixing because it reflects their own sense of incompleteness. If you don't believe you're worthy of love, you may be drawn to someone who mirrors that belief. This creates a dynamic where "fixing" the other person becomes a proxy for fixing yourself.

The allure of fixing someone else comes from the question "Can I solve this?" This pattern often stems from childhood experiences where you had to earn love through performance. Dr. Delony explains that if you had to fight for attention as a child, you might not believe you're worthy of wanting things, so everything becomes framed as a need.

5. The challenge of accepting that others value us

Many people struggle to accept genuine appreciation and love. Chris shares how uncomfortable he felt when his team threw him a surprise birthday party, feeling obligated to reciprocate rather than simply receiving their kindness. This discomfort stems from believing relationships should be transactional.

Dr. Delony points out that we've built a world where independence is valued over interdependence. We avoid asking for favors, choosing services like Uber or Instacart instead of relying on friends. This creates a meta-narrative that "my presence is a burden," making it difficult to believe others genuinely want to be around us without ulterior motives.

6. Breaking up requires courage but isn't always the answer

When considering ending a relationship, it's important to evaluate whether you've given it a fair chance. Chris suggests comparing your effort to that of people you admire – would they have tried harder or given up sooner? This provides clarity about whether you've truly exhausted all possibilities.

However, Dr. Delony emphasizes that relationships aren't binary choices between "bail or suffer in silence." Sometimes both partners can acknowledge they've chosen a miserable dynamic and decide to create something different together. This requires vulnerability and commitment to change, but can lead to deeper connection.

7. The importance of grief in healing

Our culture has an "allergy to grief" that prevents proper healing after breakups or losses. Dr. Delony explains that grief is a natural process our bodies need to experience, not a problem to be solved. Trying to avoid grief often leads to what therapists call "leakage" – unprocessed emotions manifesting in unhealthy ways.

Signs of emotional leakage include rage, imaginary arguments in your head, and projecting issues onto uninvolved situations. The healthy alternative is honoring grief by creating space for it, perhaps with supportive friends. Dr. Delony suggests activities like playing board games with friends or taking time away from social obligations as ways to honor the grieving process.

8. The risk of trying to self-actualize without connection

Dr. Delony questions whether Maslow's hierarchy of needs incorrectly positions self-actualization as separate from love and belonging. He suggests these elements are interwoven rather than sequential. True fulfillment comes through connection and contribution to others, not isolated achievement.

The modern interpretation of Maslow's hierarchy implies that basic needs and love are merely stepping stones to the "more important" goal of self-actualization. Dr. Delony argues this is backwards – we become actualized through a lifetime of love and service. The parent raising children or the sanitation worker keeping the city functional are experiencing self-actualization through their consistent contribution.

9. Shared success is more meaningful than solo achievement

Accomplishments are more fulfilling when experienced with others. Chris notes that professionals like musicians and comedians receive immediate feedback from audiences, while solo entrepreneurs often lack people to celebrate victories with. This isolation diminishes the joy of achievement.

Dr. Delony agrees, sharing a story about his wife surprising him at an event and saying "I'm so proud of you" – a moment he'll "remember till the day I die." The conversation highlights how modern work arrangements that prioritize independence and remote work may inadvertently remove the social elements that make success meaningful. Working alone might offer flexibility but denies the deeper satisfaction of shared experience.

10. Finding balance between drive and contentment

There's a tension between wanting to achieve more and accepting yourself as you are. Chris shares an observation that "men want to aim high without feeling insufficient if they fall short" and "want to be loved for who they are, not what they do." This captures the universal struggle between ambition and self-acceptance.

Dr. Delony notes that contrary to intuition, knowing you're loved regardless of performance actually enables greater achievement. When you're securely anchored, you can take bigger risks. The key insight is that drive doesn't need to come from insecurity or fear. Instead, as Chris puts it, "I'll push myself more if I know that I don't need to."