How To Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty - Nick Pollard

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Chris Williamson's conversation with Nick Pollard on how to stop people pleasing and put yourself first without feeling guilty.

1. People pleasing is rooted in dishonesty

People pleasers are fundamentally dishonest, not in a malicious way, but in how they present themselves to others. This dishonesty manifests when they say "yes" when they mean "no," commit to things they don't want to do, and prioritize others' needs above their own. The motivation isn't to deliberately deceive but stems from not recognizing the damage they're doing to their own wellbeing.

This pattern of dishonesty creates a disconnection in relationships. When someone can't authentically express their true desires or boundaries, others never really get to know the real person. As Pollard explains, this is why people pleasers often lack deep, connected relationships - their constant masking prevents genuine connection, similar to how narcissists create a false front that keeps others at a distance.

2. The root cause is feeling "not enough"

The core driver behind people pleasing behavior is an overwhelming sense of insufficiency - the feeling of not being enough. This perception forms early in life and becomes the background track driving behavior. People pleasers are constantly trying to measure up to something that doesn't actually exist, creating an impossible standard they can never reach.

Frequently, this originates in childhood dynamics where one parent made the child the center of their world while another didn't. This teaches the child that making others happy prevents abandonment, and fulfilling others' needs leads to getting their own needs met. The childhood coping strategy transfers into adulthood where it no longer serves them well. The resulting inferiority complex drives the need for constant external validation.

3. People pleasing creates serious life costs

The costs of people pleasing are extensive and accumulate over time. Physical wellbeing takes a backseat as people pleasers don't prioritize their health, exercise, or proper nutrition because they're too busy meeting others' needs. Financial costs mount as they give away money, bail others out, and prioritize others' financial needs above their own.

Emotionally, people pleasers experience chronic feelings of being behind, unable to catch up, and constantly measuring themselves against others. This comparison creates persistent dissatisfaction and prevents happiness. The most severe cost is burnout, which typically hits around age 38. Even high-achieving people pleasers who find professional success often experience increasing misery despite growing paychecks because their fundamental needs remain unmet.

4. The difference between agreeableness and people pleasing

Being agreeable and being a people pleaser are distinct traits. Agreeableness means genuinely not having a strong preference in certain situations - like not caring whether to eat pizza or tacos because both sound good. People pleasing, however, involves suppressing genuine preferences to avoid conflict or rejection.

Over time, chronic people pleasing makes it difficult to even know what one's preferences are. After years of subjugating personal desires, people pleasers lose touch with their authentic opinions, interests, and passions. This loss of self-knowledge compounds the problem, making it increasingly difficult to advocate for oneself since there's no clear understanding of what to advocate for.

5. Setting boundaries requires understanding your values

Boundaries are misunderstood as rules for other people, when they're actually expressions of your own values and priorities. They aren't about controlling others but about clarifying what you will and won't tolerate based on your personal value system. Effective boundaries focus on making your needs equal to everyone else's, not superior.

Implementing boundaries works best through a personal "Bill of Rights" - a list of values and priorities you hold yourself to. This might include statements like "I'm allowed to ask for what I want," "I don't have to tolerate unkindness," or "I have the right to my own opinions." The Bill of Rights provides clarity about your values and helps guide consistent boundary enforcement. Reading it daily serves as a reminder of your commitment to self-respect.

6. Self-invention through play is critical for identity

People pleasers often struggle with self-identity, frequently asking how to "find themselves." Pollard suggests that instead of finding yourself, you should constantly invent new versions of yourself - and do this through play. Children naturally discover their boundaries, preferences, and identities through playful exploration and experimentation with different personas.

Adults lose this playful self-invention process and consequently lose contact with their core identity. Without play, people can't effectively self-define or explore new aspects of themselves. Adults need to recapture this playful spirit to discover joy and continue developing their identity. Making a deliberate effort to engage in playful activities helps overcome the rigidity and seriousness that often accompanies people pleasing tendencies.

7. Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions is essential

Healing from people pleasing requires learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions rather than trying to escape them. When feeling inadequate or anxious, the key is to stay present with the feeling, locate it in your body, and ask questions about it: "What am I believing? How am I reinforcing this belief? What would I prefer to believe? What do I need to do to reinforce this new belief?"

These four questions create a framework for processing difficult emotions without being controlled by them. The practice involves recognizing that emotions are not facts but information, and they don't have to dictate behavior. Understanding that no feeling is permanent or fatal allows people pleasers to sit with discomfort and make choices based on values rather than fear. This skill forms the foundation for establishing healthier patterns.

8. Taking decisive action despite fear builds courage

People pleasers often mistake the absence of fear for courage, when courage actually requires fear. True bravery means feeling afraid but taking action anyway. Pollard emphasizes that you don't overcome fear before acting - you act while experiencing fear, and that's what builds genuine courage.

Practical techniques include taking two seconds before responding when feeling pressured - just enough time to connect with your authentic response without overthinking. When facing decisions that trigger fear of rejection or abandonment, remembering that these emotions won't last forever helps create perspective. Making and keeping commitments to yourself, especially when uncomfortable, gradually builds self-trust and confidence that offset people pleasing tendencies.

9. Building same-sex friendships indicates healing

A practical indicator of people pleasing tendencies is difficulty forming same-sex friendships. People pleasers typically struggle to connect with others of the same gender, often having fewer than three close friends of their own gender. This pattern emerges because people pleasers tend to feel safer with the opposite sex when in their people pleasing mindset.

The lack of same-sex friendships stems from shame and difficulty opening up authentically. For men especially, there's additional shame around being pliable or emotionally vulnerable with other men. Developing meaningful same-sex friendships indicates progress in healing from people pleasing behaviors. These relationships provide support for maintaining boundaries and authentic self-expression.

10. Accept that initially setting boundaries feels worse before it gets better

When first establishing boundaries after a lifetime of people pleasing, life temporarily becomes more uncomfortable before improving. The discomfort comes from breaking established patterns and facing potential rejection or conflict that was previously avoided at all costs. This initial difficulty causes many to abandon their boundary-setting efforts.

The key insight is that if life will be difficult whether you set boundaries or not, you might as well choose the path that leads to eventual improvement. Initial discomfort gradually gives way to increased self-confidence as you honor commitments to yourself. The long-term benefits include deeper authentic relationships, reduced anxiety, improved health, and a stronger sense of identity. Making this transition requires courage to face short-term distress for long-term well-being.