What Traits Should You Look For In A Partner? - Dr Shannon Curry
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Chris Williamson's conversation with Dr. Shannon Curry on what traits to look for in a partner and how to build lasting, satisfying relationships.
1. Choosing a partner is choosing their faults
Marriage is essentially choosing one person's faults over another's. This perspective can be freeing because it helps us recognize that everyone has flaws. When we understand that we'll always be living with someone who has faults, we can focus on whether we can tolerate those specific faults and whether they can tolerate ours.
There are no perfect partners - only different sets of trade-offs. One partner might be wonderful at deep conversations but poor at social events, while another might be socially adept but lack emotional depth. Recognizing this reality sets more realistic expectations for relationships.
2. Three key qualities predict relationship satisfaction
Research by psychologist Ty Tashiro identified three core personality traits that predict long-term relationship satisfaction: conscientiousness, flexibility, and low neuroticism. These qualities form the groundwork for managing inevitable relationship problems because they create a solid foundation.
Having a partner with these traits makes it easier to navigate challenges because they consistently remind you what a decent, wonderful human being they are. This causes their idiosyncrasies to fall away rather than becoming the central focus of the relationship.
3. Conscientiousness is about thoughtful care
Conscientiousness involves anticipating your partner's needs through observation, intelligence, and motivation to act. It's more than just being nice - it's an active quality that requires noticing what others need and taking initiative to address those needs.
A conscientious partner creates perpetual romance through small, consistent acts of kindness. These thoughtful actions generate daily gratitude, which builds intimacy and sustains romantic feelings. This quality helps explain why couples with these traits report higher satisfaction in their relationships, including their sex lives, well into their 60s and 70s.
4. Flexibility helps manage life's challenges
Flexibility refers to being open and adaptable, especially during stressful situations. A flexible partner can maintain emotional stability when faced with unexpected challenges or disappointments, returning to baseline relatively quickly rather than remaining upset for extended periods.
Dr. Curry describes flexibility as having a "Buddhist non-attachment" quality. This trait allows someone to adapt to changing circumstances without becoming overly upset when things don't go as planned. It's connected to agency - the ability to take purposeful action rather than merely reacting to circumstances.
5. Low neuroticism creates relationship stability
Low neuroticism means having emotional stability and the ability to manage one's mental health effectively. While someone may have mental health challenges, what matters is whether they have insight into their condition, take responsibility for it, and have strategies to manage it.
Untreated or unacknowledged mental health issues can feel like "having a third party in the relationship." Similar to substance abuse, it can steal your partner away for periods of time. The critical factor is not the presence of mental health challenges but how they're managed and whether the person takes ownership of them.
6. Moderate adventurousness provides balance
Research shows that having low to moderate adventurousness (as opposed to high) is beneficial for relationships. This doesn't mean someone dislikes activities like travel or trying new things. Rather, it means they're not constantly seeking novelty or new stimulation at the expense of stability.
High adventurousness can indicate someone whose focus constantly wanders to new exciting projects or people. While this might not lead to cheating, it can make it difficult to maintain intimacy and connection at home. Partners with moderate adventurousness tend to be more grounded, family-focused, and content with a simpler life.
7. Friendship is the foundation of lasting relationships
The Gottman research on relationships identifies a "Sound Relationship House" with friendship as its foundation. This includes knowing your partner's world (who their friends are, what they're excited about), maintaining fondness and admiration, and turning toward your partner when they make a bid for connection.
Strong friendship creates a positive perspective that helps couples weather challenges. When partners have a solid friendship base, they can better manage conflicts because they see themselves as being on the same team. This foundation of friendship gives couples the resilience to handle inevitable disagreements.
8. Avoiding the "four horsemen" prevents relationship breakdown
The Gottman research identified four communication patterns most predictive of divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt (putting down your partner with eye-rolling, name-calling, or global negative statements) is particularly destructive to relationships.
These destructive patterns erode not just the relationship but also the individual's self-esteem. Learning to replace these patterns with healthier alternatives - like taking responsibility for a small piece of what your partner is saying rather than becoming defensive - can significantly improve relationship outcomes.
9. Understanding perpetual problems changes relationship dynamics
About 70% of couple arguments revolve around "perpetual problems" that will never be fully resolved. These are ongoing differences in values, preferences, or approaches. Rather than trying to solve these unsolvable issues, couples benefit from understanding the deeper dreams or values that underlie their partner's position.
When partners can share the personal histories and values behind their positions without trying to persuade each other, they often experience a breakthrough in connection. This understanding can transform gridlocked issues into manageable differences, helping couples realize they're on the same team despite their differences.
10. Getting over breakups requires handling withdrawal symptoms
Breakups trigger a physiological response similar to drug withdrawal. People experience cravings for the oxytocin and dopamine their relationship provided, leading them to idealize their ex and forget the problems that led to the breakup.
Effective strategies for handling breakups include: reminding yourself of the real problems in the relationship to counter idealization, filling empty time pockets with positive activities, and recognizing that willpower decreases with fatigue (explaining why people often contact exes at night). The neuroscience of breakups resembles grief, but with the added complexity that the person is still accessible.