Body Language Expert Shares Unusual Tips For Awkward People (Vanessa Van Edwards & Ryan Holiday)

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from this fascinating conversation between body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards and Ryan Holiday about mastering social interactions, overcoming awkwardness, and applying stoic principles to human connection.

1. True stoicism involves purposeful emotional control, not emotional suppression

The common misunderstanding of stoicism as being unreadable or intimidating actually undermines effective leadership and communication. People often interpret being stoic as hiding emotions, maintaining a poker face, and appearing imposing. However, the best leaders are not unreadable but purposeful in their emotional expression. They understand that showing no emotional cues can make others nervous and suspicious.

Authentic stoicism means being in command of yourself first before commanding others. This involves choosing your emotional cues deliberately rather than going completely mute. When leaders appear unreadable, it creates a negative cycle where others misinterpret neutral expressions as hostility. This is particularly problematic for people who already tend to overthink social interactions and assume others are upset with them.

The goal should be intentional warmth combined with competence. Research shows that displaying competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious. True stoic practice involves mastering your emotions to deploy them strategically, not eliminating them entirely.

2. Fear is contagious and can sabotage social interactions

Scientific research demonstrates that fear literally spreads through chemical signals. In studies where researchers collected sweat from people who were afraid versus those who were simply exercising, participants who smelled the "fear sweat" showed activation in their amygdala even without knowing what they were smelling. This means that when you enter social situations while anxious, you're unconsciously broadcasting that anxiety to others.

The solution isn't to simply "be more confident" since confidence can't be turned on like a switch. Instead, you can distract and displace fear with purpose. This involves creating conversational blueprints and knowing exactly what you want to achieve in social interactions. Having a clear plan for how to greet people, what questions to ask, and how to position your body provides a "side door into confidence."

When you replace overthinking with structured preparation, you naturally reduce the fear signals you're sending. This creates a positive cycle where others feel more comfortable around you, which in turn makes you feel more at ease.

3. Popular people aggressively like others rather than trying to be liked

Research on thousands of high school students revealed that the most popular kids weren't necessarily the smartest, funniest, or most attractive. The defining characteristic was that they had the longest lists of people they genuinely liked. These students were observed actively greeting others in hallways and creating micro-moments of warmth throughout their day.

This finding challenges the conventional approach to likability. Instead of focusing on making yourself more impressive or entertaining, the key is to enter social situations asking "How can I like this person more?" This mindset shift reduces pressure and naturally generates authentic warmth. When your goal is to find commonalities and reasons to appreciate others, your questions and energy change completely.

The strategy works because people fundamentally want to be liked and appreciated. When you approach others with genuine curiosity about what makes them interesting or likable, you create positive interactions that benefit everyone involved.

4. Strategic positioning at events maximizes meaningful conversations

The entrance zone at parties and networking events is the worst place to have conversations. People entering events are in "overhead gazing" mode, scanning the room to see who's there and feeling their highest levels of nervousness. Conversations in this area tend to be short and stilted because people aren't mentally settled yet.

The optimal position is near the exit from the bar area, not the food station. When people have just gotten their drinks, they've completed their initial survey of the room and are psychologically ready to engage. They're also looking for someone to talk to, making you a "social savior" when you initiate conversation. This positioning makes it easy to start natural conversations about what they're drinking or what brought them to the event.

This location also provides natural exit strategies. If you want to end a conversation, you can easily excuse yourself to get food or another drink. For introverts who want deep conversations rather than small talk, this positioning helps you connect with people when they're most receptive to meaningful interaction.

5. Self-narratives become self-fulfilling prophecies in difficult relationships

People who consider themselves unlucky literally see fewer opportunities than those who view themselves as lucky. In experiments where participants were asked to count images in newspapers, "lucky" people noticed instructions to stop counting that "unlucky" people missed entirely. This demonstrates how our beliefs about ourselves shape what we perceive and experience.

Difficult people often have problematic self-narratives that create repeated patterns of conflict. Understanding someone's core story about themselves allows you to predict and prevent difficulties. For example, someone who believes they're constantly "zigging while everyone else zags" will create situations that confirm this belief, leading to feelings of isolation and conflict.

The solution involves identifying these narratives through casual questions like "Do you think you're lucky?" Once you understand someone's self-story, you can proactively address it. Instead of waiting for conflict to arise, you can reinforce their sense of belonging and alignment before problems develop.

6. Matching communication style to audience type prevents energy drain

There are two distinct types of people at networking events and social gatherings. Some individuals love to entertain others through storytelling, sharing opinions, and being the center of attention. These people thrive when asked questions and given opportunities to share their experiences. Others prefer to be entertained and don't want to be put in the spotlight or asked to perform.

Recognizing which type you're dealing with early in conversations saves both parties from awkward interactions. If someone wants to entertain, ask engaging questions about their work, experiences, or opinions. If they prefer to be entertained, share interesting stories, facts, or observations rather than putting them on the spot.

This distinction often correlates with introversion versus extroversion, but also relates to someone's daily work demands. People who talk professionally all day may want to listen rather than speak in social settings. Adapting your approach based on these preferences creates more natural and enjoyable interactions for everyone involved.

7. Authenticity trumps trying to appear impressive

When asked about their ideal first impression, most people choose "impressive" as their goal. However, research and real-world experience show that trying to appear impressive often backfires. Truly impressive people tend to be difficult to connect with and may even generate suspicion or discomfort in others.

The alternative approach focuses on relatability and authentic connection. At high-stakes networking events, people who share vulnerabilities or commonalities create stronger bonds than those who lead with achievements. Being a "recovering awkward person" generates more genuine connections than listing accomplishments or credentials.

Impressive achievements work best when discovered naturally rather than announced upfront. People are most drawn to those who seem accomplished but remain approachable and down-to-earth. The goal should be authentic warmth that makes others feel comfortable, not intimidation that creates distance.

8. Warmth and competence must be balanced for effective communication

Princeton University research found that displaying competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious. This is particularly relevant for high achievers who rely heavily on their intelligence and expertise. Simply having the best ideas isn't enough if you can't share them in a way that creates trust and connection.

The solution involves intentionally adding warmth cues to competent communication. These include eyebrow raises, head nods, tilts, visible hands, and forward leans. These gestures must be authentic rather than forced, arising from genuine interest in connecting with others. Fake warmth falls into the "uncanny valley" and actually makes situations worse.

Warmth and competence are both contagious emotions. When you authentically display both qualities, others catch these feelings and mirror them back. This creates positive cycles in conversations, presentations, and leadership situations where everyone benefits from elevated emotional states.

9. Radical transparency in communication boundaries improves relationships

Many people struggle with saying no to social invitations, requests for meetings, or other demands on their time. The traditional approach involves making excuses or giving reasons, but this often leads to arguments or hurt feelings. Instead, radical transparency about your preferences and boundaries proves more effective.

Direct statements like "I don't do parties" or "I'm too introverted for evening events" may seem harsh but actually prevent misunderstandings. When someone pushes back against clear boundaries, they reveal themselves as not your type of person. This filtering effect helps you focus energy on relationships with people who respect your communication style.

The key is leading with gratitude before stating boundaries clearly. Thank people for thinking of you, acknowledge the invitation positively, then give a firm no without explanation or promises for the future. This approach respects both parties' time and emotional energy while maintaining authenticity in relationships.

10. Pre-event preparation and strategic timing maximize social success

For people who find social events draining, arriving early offers significant advantages over staying late. Early arrival allows for meaningful one-on-one conversations before crowds gather and energy becomes scattered. You can have quality time with hosts or key contacts when they're fresh rather than exhausted.

Strategic preparation also involves understanding your own social strengths and weaknesses. Instead of trying to compete in areas where you're naturally weak, find alternative approaches that play to your strengths. This might mean scheduling car rides together, getting ready with others, or finding quiet spaces for deeper conversations.

The goal is creating "pockets" of meaningful interaction rather than enduring entire events. You can make strong impressions and maintain important relationships without forcing yourself into situations that drain your energy. This approach requires planning but results in more authentic and sustainable social engagement.