You Can Change Your Personality To Achieve More | Olga Khazan
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from this fascinating conversation about personality change and the surprising ways we can reshape who we are through deliberate action and environmental design.
1. People can change through deliberate action rather than inherent traits
The conversation reveals that personality change is possible through consistent behavioral modification. Research shows that 30 to 50% of personality traits are genetic, but this still leaves significant room for change. The key insight is that personality traits aren't fixed characteristics but patterns that can be altered through intentional practice.
The most effective approach involves acting in ways that align with desired personality traits, even when it feels unnatural initially. This "act as if" principle works because repeated behaviors eventually become internalized as part of one's identity. The brain adapts to new patterns of behavior, making previously difficult actions feel more natural over time.
Success requires linking personality changes to specific personal projects or goals rather than vague desires for improvement. Without clear motivation tied to meaningful outcomes, the effort required to sustain new behaviors becomes too difficult to maintain long-term.
2. Conscientiousness develops through environmental design rather than willpower
Highly conscientious people don't rely on constant self-control to maintain their habits. Instead, they structure their environment and routines to eliminate temptation and decision fatigue. This approach proves more sustainable than relying on willpower alone.
The transformation involves recognizing that life runs more smoothly with consistent habits around punctuality, moderation, and organization. Rather than fighting daily battles with temptation, conscientious individuals create systems that make good choices automatic. They leave on time naturally because they've internalized the benefits of punctuality.
This systematic approach extends to all areas of life. Successful habit formation requires removing environmental triggers for unwanted behaviors while making desired behaviors the path of least resistance. The goal is reaching a state where good choices feel effortless rather than requiring constant mental energy.
3. High and low self-monitors respond differently to challenges
Self-monitoring ability significantly impacts how people adapt to life's demands. High self-monitors can adjust their behavior to match situational requirements, even when it conflicts with their natural preferences. They view challenges as opportunities to develop new skills rather than threats to their identity.
Low self-monitors tend to reject challenges that don't align with their current self-image. They might refuse public speaking opportunities because they identify as introverts, missing chances for growth. This rigid adherence to identity labels limits their potential for development.
The most successful approach involves becoming a high self-monitor who can take on challenges requiring undeveloped skills. This flexibility allows for continuous growth and adaptation rather than remaining stuck in limiting self-concepts.
4. Identity flexibility prevents stagnation and enables growth
Identifying too strongly with current limitations creates psychological prison. When people define themselves by their problems, deficiencies, or current status, they freeze their potential for change. This attachment to identity becomes a barrier to improvement.
Successful personality change requires aspirational identification with traits that aren't yet fully developed. Rather than thinking "I am not a public speaker," the focus shifts to "I am someone who learns new skills and doesn't quit when things get challenging." This reframe emphasizes changeable qualities like determination and curiosity.
The key is identifying with process-oriented traits rather than outcome-dependent labels. Traits like persistence, learning ability, and willingness to tackle difficult challenges are largely within personal control and predictive of positive outcomes across various domains.
5. Neuroticism reduction improves virtually all life outcomes
Reducing neurotic tendencies delivers comprehensive benefits across mental health, physical health, career success, relationships, and longevity. The impact extends far beyond just feeling better emotionally. Lower neuroticism correlates with improved performance in nearly every measurable life domain.
The strategies for reducing neuroticism are surprisingly simple but require consistent application. Positive self-talk, meditation, journaling, and gratitude practices form the foundation. Writing letters to people who've positively impacted your life also contributes to the reduction process.
Despite their simplicity, these techniques work effectively when practiced regularly. The challenge isn't complexity but consistency in applying basic principles that have been validated across numerous psychological studies.
6. Rules and systems outperform willpower for behavior change
Effective behavior change relies more on clear rules and supportive systems than individual willpower. Alcoholics Anonymous succeeds because members follow an absolute rule: they never drink. This eliminates the mental energy required for daily decisions about alcohol consumption.
Similar principles apply across various behavior changes. Rather than relying on daily willpower to make good choices, successful people create non-negotiable rules that remove decision fatigue. The military, sports teams, and other successful organizations use repetitive mantras and clear guidelines for this reason.
The social reinforcement aspect proves crucial for maintaining new behaviors. Regular reminders of core principles through group meetings, mentors, or accountability partners help maintain commitment when motivation wavers. This external structure compensates for individual willpower limitations.
7. Childhood messages shape adult limitations and require conscious unlearning
Early programming significantly influences adult behavior patterns and self-imposed limitations. Messages received during formative years become internalized scripts that guide decision-making well into adulthood. These scripts often operate below conscious awareness but powerfully influence choices.
One particularly damaging message is "if something is difficult, it's not worth doing." This programming eliminates most worthwhile pursuits since valuable skills typically require initial struggle and persistence. People with this programming avoid challenges that could lead to significant growth and accomplishment.
Successful personality change requires identifying and consciously unlearning these limiting beliefs. The process involves recognizing when old scripts are influencing decisions and deliberately choosing different responses. This mental reprogramming takes time but enables access to previously avoided opportunities for development.
8. Agreeable parenting balances empathy with necessary boundaries
Agreeable parenting emphasizes cooperation and understanding rather than authoritarian control. This approach involves taking the child's perspective, showing empathy for their experience, and avoiding harsh punishments or frequent power struggles. The goal is creating a collaborative rather than adversarial relationship.
However, agreeableness without boundaries leads to chaos and doesn't serve children's development needs. Effective agreeable parenting includes setting appropriate limits while maintaining warmth and understanding. This balance requires flexibility in deciding which issues truly matter versus arbitrary preferences.
The approach extends beyond specific parenting techniques to a fundamental attitude of curiosity about the child's interests and perspective. Rather than forcing predetermined expectations, agreeable parents adapt to their child's natural inclinations while providing necessary guidance and structure.
9. Stoicism provides balance between ambition and acceptance
The Stoic approach offers a practical framework for managing effort and expectations. It emphasizes maximum ambition and focus on controllable factors while maintaining indifference toward outcomes beyond personal influence. This philosophy prevents both defeatism and unhealthy attachment to external validation.
In practice, this means giving full effort to writing, work projects, or personal development while releasing attachment to sales figures, recognition, or competitive rankings. The focus shifts to process excellence rather than outcome manipulation. This approach maintains motivation while protecting mental health.
This balance proves especially valuable during challenging or uncertain periods. When outcomes remain unclear, focusing on controllable elements provides direction and purpose. The philosophy offers a sustainable approach to achievement that doesn't depend on external circumstances for satisfaction.
10. Personal projects drive effective personality change more than abstract goals
Successful personality transformation requires connecting changes to specific personal projects rather than vague improvement desires. Abstract goals like "being more social" or "getting organized" lack the motivational power needed to sustain difficult behavioral changes. Concrete projects provide clear direction and measurable progress.
Personal projects can involve career advancement, relationship improvement, health goals, or family objectives. The key is ensuring the project feels personally meaningful and provides sufficient motivation to overcome the discomfort of changing established patterns. Without this connection, personality change efforts typically fail.
The research consistently shows that personality change works best when tied to specific life goals that matter deeply to the individual. This connection provides the sustained motivation necessary to maintain new behaviors until they become automatic and integrated into one's identity.