Body Language Expert Explains Why People Dislike You
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards on why people might dislike you and how to become a master communicator.
1. First impressions happen before you speak
First impressions begin the moment someone sees you, not when you start talking. Research shows that 76% of personality judgments made in first impressions are accurate. People can gauge your extroversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and openness within seconds of seeing you.
The biggest mistake people make is looking down at their phone or device when meeting someone. This creates what's called the "universal defeat posture" - chin tucked to chest, shoulders hunched, arms close to sides. When you check your phone, you accidentally look like a loser in terms of winning and losing dynamics.
Your first impression happens within 100 milliseconds of someone seeing your profile picture online. Different photos of the same person create different first impressions, proving you have control over how others perceive you initially.
2. The triple threat of good body language
Effective body language consists of three key elements: taking up space, showing visible hands, and making direct eye contact. Taking up space means avoiding the defeated posture of hunched shoulders and tucked chin. Instead, create distance between your arms and torso, and between your shoulders and earlobes.
Visible hands are crucial because hidden hands make people uncomfortable. We instinctively want to know what someone's hands are doing as a safety mechanism. Keeping hands in pockets, under tables, or out of view in photos creates subconscious tension.
Direct eye contact should happen 60-70% of the time in Western cultures. This percentage triggers optimal oxytocin production, the chemical of connection. Making eye contact at the end of your statements is particularly powerful for sealing your points and showing confidence.
3. Breaking conversational scripts creates connection
Most conversations follow predictable patterns that lead to dead ends. The typical "How are you?" exchange creates a loop where both people say "good" without meaningful engagement. Master communicators break these scripts by giving unexpected but authentic responses.
Instead of answering "How are you?" with "good," try responding with a number on a 1-10 scale, or mention what you're currently wrestling with. You might say "better on the inside than the outside" if you're having a rough day. These responses make people think and create more engaging conversations.
Replace "How are you?" with questions like "What's good?" or "What are you looking forward to?" These alternatives prompt positive thinking and give people permission to share excitement rather than default pleasantries.
4. Master communicators gift positive chemicals
Exceptional communicators deliberately create positive chemical reactions in others through their interactions. They gift dopamine (excitement and motivation), testosterone (capability and confidence), and serotonin (calm and belonging). This approach makes people feel energized, smart, and accepted.
You can trigger these chemicals through specific behaviors. Dopamine comes from asking about exciting plans or future events. Testosterone increases when you acknowledge someone's competence or expertise. Serotonin flows when you create "me too" moments - finding shared experiences or interests.
The goal is to leave people feeling better than when you found them. This isn't manipulation but genuine care expressed through conscious communication choices that make interactions more positive and memorable.
5. Personality is partly genetic but changeable
The five main personality traits - openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism - are 42-57% heritable. This means genetics significantly influence your personality, but you have 30-40% potential for change. You can't completely transform your personality, but you can move from one end of a spectrum toward the middle.
Understanding these traits helps predict behavior and compatibility. High openness means curiosity and seeking new experiences, while low openness prefers routine and tradition. Conscientiousness affects attention to detail and organization. Extroversion determines where you get energy - from people or solitude.
Knowing your personality type and others' helps you make better decisions about relationships, career choices, and team dynamics. The key is optimizing your natural tendencies while being aware of areas where you might need to compromise or develop compensating strategies.
6. Contempt is the relationship killer
Contempt appears as a one-sided mouth raise or smirk and signals feelings of superiority. Research by John Gottman shows that when one partner shows contempt toward another, he can predict divorce with 93.6% accuracy within 30 years. Contempt indicates that someone feels better than their partner, creating fundamental inequality.
Unlike other negative emotions that can be addressed through communication, contempt builds over time and becomes increasingly toxic. It starts as small moments of feeling superior and grows into disrespect and hatred if left unchecked.
The only way to address contempt is through shared experiences that rebuild respect and connection. Talking alone doesn't fix contempt - you need activities that create chemical bonds and remind both people of each other's value and humanity.
7. Modern dating culture prevents authentic connection
People are withholding their genuine interest and attraction, creating a crisis in relationship formation. In observed dating scenarios, participants who were attracted to each other failed to show any obvious signs of interest. This emotional withholding prevents potential partners from recognizing mutual attraction.
The problem is compounded by unrealistic standards and rigid checklists that blind people to genuine connections. Many people have lists of requirements that overshadow actual compatibility and chemistry. They focus on transactional elements like career success rather than emotional connection.
Society's emphasis on individual routines and self-care has created rigidity that puts relationships last. People prioritize morning routines, workout schedules, and personal rituals over making time for connection, despite relationships being crucial for health and longevity.
8. Seven universal micro-expressions reveal true emotions
Everyone makes the same facial expressions for seven basic emotions regardless of culture: fear, disgust, anger, happiness, sadness, surprise, and contempt. Learning to recognize these helps you understand people's true feelings even when they're trying to hide them.
Fear shows as widened eyes with visible upper whites, raised eyebrows, and an open mouth. This happens when people feel confused or nervous about something you've said. Disgust involves crinkling the nose and showing upper teeth, often indicating someone doesn't like what they're hearing or is lying about their preferences.
Genuine happiness requires activation of the upper cheek muscles, not just a mouth smile. Fake smiles only engage the mouth, while real smiles reach the eyes and create those characteristic crinkles. Recognizing the difference helps you gauge authentic positive responses versus polite but disengaged reactions.
9. Extroverts and conscientious people live longer
Research shows that extroverted and highly conscientious people have longer lifespans than others. Extroverts benefit from strong social connections that provide constant doses of oxytocin and serotonin, plus they have better immune responses from exposure to diverse social environments.
Conscientious people excel at healthy habits like exercise, medication compliance, and self-care routines. They're rarely late, maintain organized lives, and make fewer risky decisions that could harm their health or wellbeing.
High neurotics (chronic worriers) have the shortest lifespans due to constant stress, anxiety, and depression. They produce less serotonin more slowly, meaning negative experiences affect them longer and more intensely than others, leading to chronic stress that damages long-term health.
10. Touch and vocal cues signal genuine interest
Physical touch, when appropriate and authentic, powerfully communicates interest and connection. However, it must feel natural rather than forced. High-fives work well for celebrating shared victories or agreements, while brief touches during conversation can signal engagement.
Vocal cues like "mm," "ah," and "oh" show active listening and interest. These vocalizations, combined with triple nods and head tilts, demonstrate engagement more effectively than words alone. They signal that you're not just hearing but truly processing and responding to what someone is saying.
The key is authenticity - forced or calculated touches and sounds will backfire. These behaviors work best when they emerge naturally from genuine interest and engagement rather than as conscious techniques you're trying to implement.