Paul Brunson: Women Need To Lower Their Standards! If They Have These 3 Traits, Never Let Them Go!

PostedJanuary 30, 2025

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Paul Brunson's conversation on "The Diary of A CEO" podcast that could transform how you view relationships, attraction, and long-term partnership success.

1. Modern relationships face a satisfaction crisis

In today's world, there exists a striking imbalance in relationship satisfaction. According to research referenced by Paul Brunson, only about 20% of couples experience higher satisfaction than ever before in the history of relationships. These couples actively invest in their relationships through tools like therapy, books, and podcasts.

The remaining 80% are experiencing unprecedented levels of dissatisfaction, confusion, and dismay. This disconnect stems largely from how we've shifted to placing more emphasis on our partners to fulfill multiple roles in our lives. Modern expectations demand partners be best friends, business partners, parents, and passionate lovers all at once – a significant contrast to historical partnership models where communities served many of these functions.

2. Attachment styles significantly impact relationship dynamics

Attachment styles fundamentally shape how we connect with partners. Paul explains there are three primary types: secure (representing about 50-60% of the population), anxious, and avoidant. These styles develop from early caregiving experiences and profoundly influence adult relationships.

People with anxious attachment styles often pursue relationships intensely, seeking constant reassurance. Meanwhile, those with avoidant attachment styles tend to maintain emotional distance. Interestingly, anxious and avoidant people frequently find themselves attracted to each other – creating challenging but familiar dynamics. Understanding your attachment style provides a pathway to developing healthier relationships and potentially earning a more secure style over time.

The traditional matchmaking model, where family and friends help select suitable partners, has significant benefits over modern dating approaches. When social networks evaluate potential matches, they provide unbiased perspectives free from the infatuation and emotional biases that cloud individual judgment.

Paul's matchmaking company pioneered a method where they spoke to clients' family, friends, and even exes before creating a profile. This 360-degree perspective proved more accurate than asking individuals directly about their preferences. Studies show arranged marriages, which leverage family evaluation of compatibility, often report higher satisfaction rates than love marriages in many cultures – challenging Western notions of romantic selection being superior.

4. Physical attraction rules are influenced by self-esteem

When it comes to selecting partners, our level of self-esteem significantly impacts how we make choices. People with lower self-esteem tend to prioritize conventional attractiveness in partners because they seek external validation from others. They're more likely to choose partners based on societal standards of beauty rather than personal compatibility.

Conversely, individuals with higher self-esteem feel less need for public validation of their partner's appearance. This explains why we sometimes see couples where one person appears conventionally attractive while the other doesn't, yet they have a strong relationship. High self-esteem provides the freedom to select partners based on deeper compatibility factors rather than superficial characteristics that might impress others.

5. Values are less important than wellbeing in partnerships

Contrary to conventional wisdom that suggests shared values are paramount in relationships, Paul argues that a partner's focus on wellbeing matters more. Values change throughout life as we grow and evolve, making them less reliable as a foundation for long-term compatibility.

Instead of prioritizing value alignment, we should seek partners who actively maintain their psychological wellbeing. The ideal partner exhibits three key traits: they focus on their wellbeing, demonstrate open-mindedness, and show resilience. Open-mindedness allows for growth together, while resilience ensures they can navigate inevitable relationship challenges. These traits prove more predictive of relationship success than shared values alone.

6. Selective disclosure enhances relationship satisfaction

Complete transparency in relationships isn't always beneficial. Research shows that couples practicing "selective disclosure" report higher satisfaction and less conflict than those who share everything. Selective disclosure involves thoughtfully choosing what information to share based on relevance, timing, emotional impact, and relationship boundaries.

For example, minor irritations like a partner leaving the toothpaste cap off might not warrant mention during a stressful period in their life. Similarly, a brief, platonic interaction with an ex might not need disclosure if your partner struggles with jealousy. This approach isn't about dishonesty but rather about considering the impact of information and maintaining healthy boundaries that actually enhance relationship quality.

7. Sex quantity doesn't determine relationship quality

The belief that more frequent sex equals a happier relationship is a pervasive myth. Paul explains that while couples with high relationship satisfaction do tend to have more sex, it's the satisfaction that drives sexual frequency – not the reverse. Many couples misinterpret their active sex life as proof their relationship is thriving when deeper issues may exist.

Sexual dynamics also vary by gender and age. Many men experience spontaneous desire (ready anytime) while women often experience responsive desire, requiring emotional connection and safety first. Building "emotional currency" through non-sexual affection, appreciation, and meaningful interaction creates the foundation for responsive desire. This understanding helps couples navigate changing sexual patterns throughout their relationship without assuming something is wrong.

8. Going to bed angry can be beneficial

Despite the popular advice to "never go to bed angry," research suggests the opposite approach may be healthier. Attempting to resolve conflicts when emotionally distressed often leads to poor-quality responses and ineffective resolution. The heightened emotional state impairs logical thinking and constructive communication.

Studies show that sleep helps regulate emotions and provides perspective on conflicts. In one experiment, people who viewed distressing images and then slept reported significantly less distress when viewing the same images again compared to those who didn't sleep. This cooling-off period allows partners to approach disagreements with greater emotional regulation and clarity, leading to more productive conflict resolution the following day.

9. Infidelity doesn't have to end relationships

Contrary to common belief, infidelity doesn't automatically signal the end of a relationship. According to research from the Gottmans (renowned relationship experts), approximately 70% of couples who work through their process after infidelity can rebuild with even higher satisfaction levels than before.

The key factor is the capacity for genuine forgiveness and professional guidance. Paul strongly recommends seeking professional help to navigate this complex situation, especially if both partners recognize the relationship's value and want to preserve it. Through therapeutic intervention, couples can develop deeper understanding, establish new boundaries, and rebuild trust – sometimes creating an even stronger bond than before the infidelity occurred.

10. Modern dating faces challenges from excessive options

The paradox of choice significantly impacts modern dating satisfaction. Dating apps and social media have exponentially increased our potential options, but this abundance actually decreases satisfaction with final choices. Barry Schwartz's research shows that when presented with fewer options, we tend to value our selection more highly.

Further complicating matters is the "premium effect" where many daters repeatedly pursue the same type of person in limited social circles. Paul recommends expanding beyond comfort zones by entering new social environments where you might be considered unique or "premium." This approach not only broadens potential romantic options but also exposes individuals to diverse perspectives and backgrounds that challenge preconceptions about what makes an ideal partner.