Sex Expert (Esther Perel): The Relationship Crisis No One Talks About That's Killing Your Sex Life!
Here are 10 key takeaways from Esther Perel's discussion with Steven Bartlett on "The Diary of a CEO" podcast about why modern connections are failing and what we can do about it.
1. Social atrophy is destroying our ability to connect
Modern society is experiencing what Perel calls "social atrophy": the gradual loss of our fundamental social skills. Just as muscles weaken when not used, our ability to speak to people, engage in meaningful conversations, and form genuine connections deteriorates when we don't practice these essential human capabilities. This isn't a biological inevitability but rather a cultural phenomenon driven by our increasing reliance on digital communication and algorithmic interactions.
The consequences of this social decay are far-reaching and profound. We're becoming a generation that finds it awkward to talk to strangers, struggles with basic human interaction, and prefers the safety of screens over the unpredictability of real human connection. This deterioration affects every aspect of our lives, from our romantic relationships to our professional collaborations, creating a society where people can have thousands of virtual friends but no one to feed their cat or pick them up from the airport when needed.
2. Dating apps create a destructive cycle of emotional commodification
While dating apps were originally designed to broaden social circles and connect people who might never otherwise meet, they've evolved into platforms that commodify human relationships. The apps enable a culture where people treat each other poorly—ghosting becomes normalized, basic politeness disappears, and the semi-anonymity of digital interaction allows users to abandon common decency. This treatment, rather than the lack of matches, is what truly devastates people and makes them bitter, angry, and filled with self-doubt.
The apps also create a paradox of choice that prevents genuine connection. Users appear to have unlimited options, leading to constant fear of missing out on someone better around the corner. However, the reality is that most users put minimal effort into their interactions, sending lazy messages like "hey, what's up?" while expecting meaningful responses. This laziness, combined with algorithmic perfection setting unrealistic expectations, creates a cycle where people become frustrated, take breaks from apps, then return months later instead of exploring real-world opportunities to meet others.
3. Partnered sex is declining because social connection is declining
The widely reported decrease in sexual activity among young adults isn't primarily about sex itself. It's a symptom of broader social disconnection. When people lack the social skills to approach and connect with potential partners, they naturally struggle to form the relationships necessary for partnered sexual experiences. This creates a generation that may have plenty of sexual activity through pornography and masturbation but lacks the interpersonal skills needed for intimate physical connection with another person.
The problem extends beyond just meeting people; it affects our ability to maintain sexual connection in long-term relationships. Many young men now experience erectile dysfunction not due to physical issues but because they've trained their bodies to respond only to solitary stimulation. Partnered sex requires attunement, resonance, and the ability to connect with another person's responses: skills that can't be developed through solo experiences alone.
4. Screen time creates ambiguous loss in relationships
Perel introduces the concept of "ambiguous loss" in relationships: the painful experience of being physically present with someone while feeling emotionally absent from them. This occurs when partners spend time together but remain psychologically elsewhere, absorbed in their devices or mentally checked out. The person experiencing this loss doesn't know whether their partner is truly there or not, creating confusion about whether to hold on or let go of the connection.
This phenomenon is particularly damaging because it mimics the psychological experience of having a loved one with dementia. When someone sits next to their partner scrolling through their phone while barely responding to attempts at conversation, they create the same sense of loss and disconnection. The solution isn't just putting away devices but actively creating clean, delineated time for genuine presence and attention with each other.
5. Attraction is interactive, not automatic
Many people mistakenly believe attraction should be instant and constant, like a biological switch that either works or doesn't. In reality, attraction in long-term relationships is part of an ongoing interaction and story between partners. It fluctuates based on context, attention, and the quality of the relationship itself. When people complain about losing attraction to their partner, they often haven't examined their own role in creating the conditions for attraction to flourish.
Attraction requires engagement, curiosity, and genuine interaction between partners. If couples spend their time watching Netflix for hours, scrolling on phones, and barely talking to each other, they shouldn't expect passionate attraction to magically appear. The solution isn't necessarily finding a new partner but rather bringing creativity, energy, and genuine attention back to the relationship. When partners stop being interesting to each other and stop making effort to be interesting, attraction naturally wanes.
6. Women get bored with monogamy sooner than men
Contrary to popular belief, women often become disinterested in monogamous sexual relationships more quickly than men do. This challenges the common narrative that men are naturally more sexually adventurous while women are content with routine. The key insight is that women don't lose interest in sex itself. They lose interest in boring, repetitive, or unfulfilling sexual experiences that don't merit their engagement.
For women to remain sexually interested in long-term relationships, the experiences need to stay engaging, imaginative, and worthwhile. This means that maintaining a woman's sexual interest requires ongoing creativity, attention, and effort to keep things fresh and connected. Men, while they may fantasize about variety, can often maintain interest in their partner more easily without requiring significant changes to the sexual dynamic.
7. Modern masculinity faces an identity crisis rooted in social isolation
The challenges facing modern men aren't just about changing gender roles or economic shifts; they're fundamentally about isolation and loss of social connection. Historically, men gathered together for hunting, hiking, drinking, and conversation. They had strong social bonds with other men and clear roles within their communities. Today's epidemic of male loneliness represents a cultural shift, not an inherent biological destiny for men.
This isolation contributes to many of the problems attributed to modern masculinity, including the sexual recession and relationship difficulties. Young boys are naturally emotional and articulate until cultural conditioning teaches them to suppress these traits. The solution isn't to return to rigid traditional roles but to help men rebuild meaningful social connections and develop the interpersonal skills necessary for modern relationships while maintaining their essential masculine identity.
8. Confidence comes from accepting your flaws while maintaining self-regard
True confidence isn't about knowing everything or being certain of your abilities. It develops from being able to see yourself as a flawed human being while still holding yourself in high regard. This mature form of confidence allows people to make mistakes, try again, and continue engaging with life even when things don't go perfectly. It's built through experience, maturity, and the gradual understanding that making errors doesn't diminish your fundamental worth.
This type of confidence can't be fast-tracked or hacked through shortcuts. It builds naturally over time through life experience. Attempting to accelerate this process often leads to arrogance rather than genuine confidence. The key difference is that confident people are prepared to engage with uncertainty, make mistakes, and learn from failure, while arrogant people pretend to know more than they actually do.
9. The self-care culture has gone too far and undermines connection
While self-awareness and self-care have important benefits, contemporary culture's obsession with individual optimization and self-focus has become counterproductive. The constant emphasis on self-love, self-fulfillment, and self-optimization can actually make people more miserable by encouraging excessive navel-gazing and disconnection from others. True wellbeing, happiness, and meaning come through relationships and connections with other people, not just through individual self-improvement.
Research consistently shows that doing things for others, making meaningful contributions, and maintaining strong social connections are more important for mental health than focusing solely on personal optimization. When people spend excessive time at the gym focused only on themselves, or engage in endless self-analysis without connecting to something beyond themselves, they often end up feeling empty despite their efforts. The goal should be developing relationships and engaging with causes, creativity, and communities that extend beyond personal concerns.
10. Quality relationships determine quality of life more than individual achievement
The fundamental truth underlying all relationship dynamics is that the quality of your relationships will determine the quality of your life. This applies equally to romantic partnerships, friendships, family connections, and professional relationships. People need meaningful connections where they feel they can rely on others, where someone has their back, and where they can make a genuine difference in other people's lives. These connections provide the foundation for resilience, meaning, and fulfillment that individual achievements cannot replace.
Building these quality relationships requires specific skills and intentional effort. It means learning to navigate conflict constructively, developing the ability to be present and attentive, and creating space for genuine vulnerability and connection. Whether in romantic relationships or workplace dynamics, the same fundamental human needs emerge: trust, belonging, recognition, and collective resilience. Investing in developing these relational capacities pays dividends across every area of life, while neglecting them leaves people isolated and unfulfilled regardless of their other accomplishments.