The Speaking Coach: The One Word All Liars Use! Stop Saying This Word, It's Making You Sound Weak!

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Jefferson Fisher, a board-certified trial attorney and communication expert, that will transform how you communicate and handle difficult conversations in any context.

1. Say it with control

Control in communication begins with your breath. When facing conflict or disagreement, our fight-or-flight response often takes over, even in minor arguments. This biological reaction can cause us to react defensively or aggressively without thinking.

The key practice Fisher teaches is using a "conversational breath" before responding. Taking two seconds to breathe in through your nose, holding briefly, then exhaling allows you to remain calm and analytical rather than reactive. This simple pause creates space between stimulus and response, keeping you in control of your words and emotions.

This controlled breathing technique serves multiple purposes - it calms your nervous system, signals to others that you're thoughtfully considering their words, and builds trust. When you take this brief pause before speaking, people perceive you as more deliberate and trustworthy because you've demonstrated that you're actually listening rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.

2. Say it with confidence

Fisher explains that confidence isn't something you possess before speaking - it's the outcome of speaking assertively. Many people mistakenly believe they need to feel confident first, but confidence actually results from assertive communication. Trying to conjure confidence without action is ineffective.

Assertive communication balances between passive and aggressive modes. It means being direct and truthful without being rude or disrespectful. This balance allows you to state your position clearly while maintaining respect for others. The assertive voice doesn't require aggression but does require clarity and directness.

A key insight is that confidence is quiet while insecurity is loud. Those who constantly need to prove themselves, speak excessively, or name-drop are often compensating for insecurity. Truly confident people feel no need to dominate conversations or prove themselves because they have internal security about who they are and what they know.

3. Say it to connect

Effective communication requires genuine connection. Fisher teaches a three-part framework for difficult conversations. First, clearly state what you want to discuss. Second, explain how you want the conversation to end. Third, get the other person's buy-in to this approach.

This framework creates what Fisher calls an "invisible contract" that helps keep difficult conversations on track. By establishing parameters upfront, both parties understand the purpose and desired outcome. This structure helps prevent conversations from derailing into unproductive territory or becoming personal attacks.

The goal of difficult conversations shouldn't be to "win" but to understand. When you focus on winning arguments, you often lose relationships. Instead of trying to prove others wrong, try to understand their perspective through questions like "What am I missing?" This shifts the dynamic from confrontation to collaboration, creating space for genuine connection.

4. The power of silence

Silence is a powerful communication tool that most people underutilize. When facing rudeness, insults, or disrespect, adding 5-7 seconds of silence creates space for the other person to hear their own words. This pause often makes them uncomfortable with what they've said.

Fisher teaches that when someone is being disrespectful, ask them to repeat what they said. Most people can't or won't repeat hurtful statements when directly asked because repeating forces them to move from emotional reaction (amygdala) to logical thinking (prefrontal cortex). This simple technique disarms negative communication.

Silence is particularly effective with liars. When someone lies and you respond with silence, they often feel compelled to fill that silence with more information, potentially contradicting their original story. Rather than engaging with or challenging lies directly, silence creates discomfort that the liar tries to resolve by talking more, often revealing inconsistencies in their fabrication.

5. Words have lasting impact

Our words create ripple effects that extend far beyond our awareness. What we say affects not only the immediate conversation but influences how people view us, our relationships, our career trajectory, and even how others communicate with people in their own lives.

Fisher shares how childhood experiences with words can leave lifelong impressions. Being called "four eyes" as a child deeply affected him, while the same words as an adult would have no impact. This illustrates how words can shape our self-perception and identity, especially during formative years.

The impact of our words extends to strangers as well. How we speak to service workers, colleagues, or people we briefly encounter affects their emotional state and how they subsequently interact with others. Our words can improve someone's day or make it more difficult, creating a ripple of positive or negative interactions throughout their interactions with others.

6. Never try to win arguments

When you set out to win an argument, you often lose the relationship. Fisher emphasizes that focusing on proving others wrong might win you the point but lose you the person. Being right doesn't keep you company - it often creates distance instead of connection.

Most arguments aren't truly won but simply end when someone gives up. This isn't victory but rather forfeit. When you've "won" by making someone feel so bad they give up, you've actually created a situation where you'll likely need to apologize later, and you've damaged the relationship in the process.

Fisher suggests replacing the goal of winning with unraveling the problem together. By saying "Help me find the knot" or asking "What am I missing?", you reframe the conversation as a collaborative effort rather than a competition. This approach detaches the issue from the people involved and creates space for solution-finding rather than point-scoring.

7. Eliminate filler words for impact

Verbal fillers like "um," "uh," "like," and "you know" diminish your communication impact, especially in professional or formal settings. While these fillers are common in casual conversation, they can make you appear less confident and prepared in presentations or important discussions.

Fisher explains that verbal fillers clutter your sentences and distract from your message. They give the impression that you're thinking on your feet rather than delivering well-considered thoughts. By eliminating these fillers, your points become clearer and more impactful.

The way to reduce filler words is through awareness and practice. Recording yourself speaking, asking others for feedback, or reviewing transcripts of your speech can help identify patterns. While everyone uses some fillers naturally, conscious effort to reduce them significantly improves communication effectiveness in important contexts.

8. The person you see isn't the person you're talking to

When communicating with someone, particularly during conflict, remember that their current behavior may be influenced by experiences you know nothing about. The person's visible actions might stem from invisible struggles, past traumas, or current difficulties.

Fisher shares a powerful example of dealing with an aggressive witness who initially seemed hostile for no reason. After asking "What am I missing?" and inquiring about his struggles, Fisher discovered the man was dealing with his mother's health issues and negative experiences with lawyers. The angry man Fisher saw was actually a worried son underneath.

This principle applies in everyday interactions. The rude server might be worried about childcare arrangements. The short-tempered colleague might be going through a divorce. Recognizing that people are having conversations in their heads "you weren't invited to" creates space for empathy rather than reactivity. Understanding that triggers often connect to past experiences helps navigate difficult interactions with compassion rather than confrontation.

9. Setting boundaries with grace

Learning to say "no" clearly and without apology is essential for healthy boundaries. Many people avoid saying no directly because they fear disappointing others or being disliked. This avoidance creates internal stress and wastes emotional energy.

Fisher recommends a simple formula: start with the "no," follow with gratitude, and add a touch of kindness. For example: "I can't make it. Thank you so much for inviting me. I hope it's a wonderful time." This structure is clear but gracious, avoiding the mistake of leading with false enthusiasm ("I'd love to, but...") which feels insincere.

A crucial insight is to avoid over-apologizing when declining invitations. Saying "I'm terribly sorry" when you've done nothing wrong diminishes your boundaries and creates a false sense of obligation. Similarly, avoid extensive explanations or excuses, as these invite negotiation rather than accepting your boundary. Clear, kind boundaries show self-respect while still honoring the relationship.

10. The problem with "just"

The word "just" subtly undermines your authority and confidence in communication. It's a common verbal habit that makes you sound hesitant and apologetic, particularly in professional or assertive contexts.

When you begin emails with "Just checking in" or "Just wanted to ask," you signal uncertainty and minimize your own importance. Simply removing this word transforms the same sentence into a more confident statement. "I wanted to check in" comes across as more direct and assured than "I just wanted to check in."

Fisher identifies this as a particular challenge for people-pleasers who habitually minimize their presence or requests. Becoming aware of this word and consciously eliminating it from professional communications can significantly impact how others perceive your confidence and authority. This small change represents the broader principle that every word matters in effective communication, and even seemingly minor words can substantially affect your message's impact.