The Sex Psychologist: We're Not Having Enough Sex! Fat Makes You Attractive! Dr Bill Von Hippel

PostedFebruary 17, 2025

Here are the top 10 key insights from renowned evolutionary psychologist Dr. Bill von Hippel's discussion on human happiness, relationships, and how our modern choices often contradict our evolutionary programming.

1. The autonomy-connection balance paradox

The central thesis of Dr. von Hippel's book explores how modern humans are struggling with the balance between autonomy and connection. Humans evolved needing both autonomy (to pursue individual goals) and connection (to survive in groups), but our ancestors rarely had true autonomy due to survival needs.

In our modern world, we've gained unprecedented autonomy but often neglect connection. This has led to decreased happiness despite material improvements. Dr. von Hippel argues that we're constantly choosing autonomy (doing what we want individually) over connection (doing things together), which creates a happiness paradox. Statistics show clear evidence of this shift: in 1850, only 1% of Americans lived alone compared to 1 in 7 today.

2. Hunter-gatherers are happier than modern humans

Despite our material advantages, hunter-gatherer societies like the Hadza show higher rates of happiness than modern humans. When researchers asked the Hadza about their happiness over the previous week, over 90% reported being happy, while Western populations typically report around 50%.

This happiness persists despite conditions modern humans would find intolerable: burying half their children, having no savings, and facing daily uncertainty about food. Dr. von Hippel suggests their happiness stems from the balanced relationship between autonomy and connection they maintain. Their survival depends on tight social bonds and interdependence, which creates a natural balance that modern humans have lost.

3. Money improves individual happiness but not societal happiness

Money significantly impacts individual happiness, with positive effects continuing well past previously assumed thresholds. Research indicates that happiness continues to increase with income beyond $600,000 per year, contradicting earlier theories that happiness plateaus around $100,000.

However, the Easterlin Paradox reveals that as societies get richer, their overall happiness doesn't increase. The United States is three times wealthier in real terms than in the 1940s, yet happiness measures remain flat. This occurs because wealth creates status competition, a zero-sum game where relative position matters more than absolute wealth. Money also leads to less reliance on others, reducing social connections that drive happiness.

4. Religious participation increases happiness

People who participate in religious activities report significantly higher happiness levels than non-participants. This effect is particularly strong for wealthy individuals, who are typically more socially isolated. Regular church attendees are roughly twice as likely to be very happy compared to those who never attend.

The happiness benefit stems from two sources. First, religion provides meaning and purpose, which address existential concerns. Even among people who don't attend religious services, those who pray regularly report higher happiness than those who don't. Second, and perhaps more importantly, religious participation creates regular social connection, especially beneficial for wealthy people who would otherwise have fewer interdependent relationships.

5. Attraction signals have evolutionary foundations

Human attraction has evolutionary foundations based on "honest signals of quality." For men, risk-taking represents a powerful attraction signal because it demonstrates either skill (if successful) or robustness (if they survive failure). Physical size, wealth, and ambition also function as honest signals of quality that women evolved to find attractive.

Humor serves as another honest quality signal that requires an agile mind to make novel connections. It demonstrates cognitive ability, which is crucial for human survival. Despite these competitive signals, kindness remains fundamental to attraction because it indicates someone will care for you regardless of other qualities. Dr. von Hippel notes that "nice guys" don't actually finish last in evolutionary terms - they're often preferred partners due to their reliability.

6. Changing demographics create mating market imbalances

Education demographics are shifting dramatically, creating imbalances in the mating market. Women currently make up about 60% of college students, resulting in three women for every two men on campus. This poses challenges since women typically seek partners with equal or higher education levels, while men are comfortable with partners having equal or lower education.

This imbalance appears in dating apps where approximately 20% of men receive 80% of female attention, while 80% of women receive regular attention from men. The growing educational gap between genders exacerbates these dynamics, potentially contributing to declining marriage rates and increasing singlehood. Dr. von Hippel suggests this problem requires addressing educational systems to better engage boys and men.

7. Declining fertility rates reflect evolutionary design

Humans never evolved to want children - they evolved to want sex, which historically resulted in children. Modern contraception has separated these outcomes, revealing that many people don't inherently desire parenthood. This helps explain rapidly declining fertility rates worldwide, with many countries facing population contractions.

Dr. von Hippel predicts that numerous countries, particularly in East Asia and Western Europe, may be half their current size by 2100 due to fertility rates well below replacement level. To address this trend, he suggests making parenting more rewarding and less burdensome rather than appealing to nonexistent evolutionary desires for children. Technological developments like robot caregivers might help reduce parenting burdens while maintaining the meaningful aspects of raising children.

8. Experiences provide more happiness than possessions

Despite intuitions that buying durable goods represents better value than temporary experiences, research shows spending money on experiences creates more happiness than acquiring possessions. Purchasing material goods often feeds into status competition, which is impossible to win in our interconnected world.

Experiences become part of our identity and create lasting memories, especially when shared with others. While possessions can trigger negative comparisons when we see others with better versions, experiences remain personally meaningful regardless of what others do. This insight offers practical guidance for how those with disposable income can maximize happiness returns on their spending.

9. City living decreases happiness despite economic benefits

Despite people voting with their feet to move to cities for centuries, urban dwellers report lower happiness than rural residents. This trend persists even though urban residents earn approximately 25% more than their rural counterparts. The happiness gap stems from cities emphasizing autonomy and opportunity at the expense of connection.

People in cities are less likely to know their neighbors well enough to trust them with house keys compared to rural residents, despite physical proximity. Urban environments offer unprecedented options for individual pursuits but reduce interdependence. This creates the counterintuitive situation where poorer rural residents report greater friendship satisfaction and overall happiness than wealthier urban dwellers.

Young people are having less sex than previous generations while consuming more pornography. Between 2006 and 2012, the percentage of 18-25 year olds who had sex in the previous year dropped from around 80% to 65-70%, while pornography consumption nearly tripled.

Dr. von Hippel attributes this to "social media induced laziness in our social habits" (SMILCH), where digital alternatives replace real-world social interactions. The ease of staying home with digital entertainment means people miss opportunities for meaningful connections. This pattern extends beyond romantic relationships to friendship and community involvement. Social technologies meant to connect us may ironically be facilitating less meaningful connection by making it too easy to choose digital alternatives over in-person interactions.