Attachment Styles EXPLAINED: Which One Are You? Feat. Thais Gibson
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Thais Gibson's conversation about attachment styles that could transform how you understand your relationships and yourself.
1. Attachment styles shape relationship patterns
Our attachment styles fundamentally influence how we give and receive love in relationships. Thais Gibson describes attachment styles as "the subconscious set of rules that we've learned about how to give and receive love and really what to expect in relationships." These patterns develop early in childhood through our interactions with caregivers.
She uses an analogy comparing different attachment styles to people playing board games with different rule books. When two people with different attachment styles try to have a relationship, it's like one person playing by Monopoly rules while the other follows Scrabble rules. This mismatch creates unnecessary friction and confusion, even when both people genuinely want the relationship to work.
2. The four attachment styles and their origins
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissive avoidant, and fearful avoidant. The secure attachment style develops when a child receives consistent, responsive care. Anxious attachment forms from inconsistent care patterns. Dismissive avoidant attachment stems from emotional neglect, and fearful avoidant (also called disorganized) attachment results from unpredictable, chaotic environments.
Each attachment style creates specific expectations and behaviors in relationships. Secure individuals feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. Anxious attachers fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance. Dismissive avoidants maintain emotional distance, while fearful avoidants fluctuate between craving closeness and pushing people away due to competing fears of both abandonment and engulfment.
3. Childhood experiences wire our relationship patterns
Our earliest experiences with caregivers create powerful neural pathways that influence our adult relationships. When children experience consistent love and attention, they develop secure attachment. When they experience inconsistent care, emotional neglect, or unpredictable environments, they develop insecure attachment patterns that continue into adulthood.
Gibson explains that these patterns form through "repetition and emotion that fires and wires those neural pathways." Our brains are designed to remember negative experiences more strongly than positive ones as a survival mechanism. This is why childhood wounds continue to affect us - we unconsciously project past experiences onto current relationships, expecting the same patterns to repeat even with different people.
4. Codependency versus healthy relationships
A healthy relationship involves interdependence rather than codependency. Thais defines codependency as "when you're not okay, that makes me not okay. If I'm not okay, you should not be okay too." This contrasts with a healthy dynamic where each person maintains their own emotional wellbeing while supporting their partner.
Gibson and Mylett use the metaphor of two separate bathtubs facing outward, connected only by holding hands, versus two people crowded in one hot tub facing each other. The separate bathtubs represent healthy independence within connection, while the single hot tub represents codependency. They emphasize that our culture often romanticizes codependency through media, making unhealthy attachment patterns seem desirable when they actually lead to relationship problems.
5. The solid self versus the pseudo self
John Kim discusses the concept of "solid self" versus "pseudo self." The solid self represents your authentic core - who you truly are, including your values and character. The pseudo self is the false version you present to gain approval or avoid rejection. Many people operate primarily from their pseudo self, especially in relationships.
Living from the pseudo self creates shallow connections because you're bringing a "cardboard cutout" rather than your full, three-dimensional self to relationships. Kim explains that most people's solid self speaks in a "quiet whisper" that's easily drowned out by the "thundering voice" of the pseudo self, which is influenced by external expectations and programming. Learning to hear and honor your solid self is essential for authentic relationships.
6. How core fears sabotage relationships
Each attachment style carries specific core fears that can sabotage relationships. Anxious attachers fear abandonment and rejection. Dismissive avoidants fear being emotionally unsafe, weak, or defective at their core. Fearful avoidants struggle with both sets of fears simultaneously, creating a confusing push-pull dynamic in relationships.
These fears operate subconsciously but powerfully influence behavior. For example, an anxious attacher might cling tighter when feeling insecure, inadvertently pushing their partner away and creating the very abandonment they fear. Understanding your core fears allows you to recognize when they're driving your behavior rather than responding to what's actually happening in the present relationship.
7. The importance of meeting your own needs first
Gibson emphasizes that before expecting others to meet our emotional needs, we must learn to meet them ourselves. Many people unconsciously maintain the same patterns of unmet needs they experienced in childhood, perpetuating their comfort zone even when it's painful. This creates a "self-fulfilling prophecy" where we continue to attract people who mirror our unmet needs.
The path to healthier relationships begins with identifying your attachment style's specific needs and learning to meet them yourself. For instance, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might need to practice giving yourself reassurance rather than constantly seeking it from others. Meeting your own needs for 21 days can begin to shift your subconscious patterns and attract healthier relationships.
8. Transforming attachment style through five key practices
Gibson outlines five practices to transform insecure attachment into secure attachment. The first three focus on the relationship with self: reprogramming core fears, learning to meet your own needs, and practicing nervous system regulation. The final two involve relationship skills: communicating your needs to others and maintaining healthy boundaries.
This transformation isn't permanent but requires ongoing practice. Reprogramming core fears involves identifying specific memories that contradict your fear and listening to recordings of these memories for 21 days to create new neural pathways. This practice utilizes neuroplasticity - the brain's ability to form new connections through repetition and emotion - to rewire subconscious patterns that have been operating for years or decades.
9. Self-knowledge precedes relationship success
Both Gibson and Kim emphasize that you cannot create deep, meaningful relationships if you don't know yourself. Many people enter relationships without self-awareness, bringing their "pseudo self" rather than their authentic self. This creates hollow connections because you're offering a performance rather than genuine presence.
Self-knowledge starts with quiet reflection and learning to hear your authentic voice. Kim describes his journey of self-discovery beginning after his divorce when he had "nothing to lose." This allowed him to start living from the inside out rather than seeking external validation. Both experts agree that developing a relationship with yourself must precede healthy relationships with others.
10. Attachment styles influence all relationships, not just romantic ones
While attachment theory is often discussed in terms of romantic relationships, Gibson emphasizes that these patterns affect all our connections - friendships, family relationships, and even work dynamics. Understanding attachment can help explain patterns of miscommunication, conflict, and connection across all relationship types.
Ed Mylett reflects on how understanding attachment styles could help people support their partner's goals and dreams. For example, if your partner has abandonment fears, they might resist your career ambitions because they worry success will lead you to leave them. With this understanding, you can reassure them while pursuing your goals, addressing the underlying attachment need rather than fighting about surface issues.