How to Stay Calm and In Control When Talking to Difficult People Feat. Jefferson Fisher

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Ed Mylett's interview with communication expert Jefferson Fisher on staying calm and in control during difficult conversations.

1. Never try to win an argument

The fundamental shift in communication strategy involves abandoning the desire to win every argument. When you approach conversations with a winning mentality, you inevitably lose something far more valuable - the relationship itself. This mindset causes people to close themselves off from you and damages your reputation over time.

The legal profession offers a perfect analogy here. Attorneys don't actually win arguments through superior debating skills. They advocate for their client's story while the law, evidence, and facts determine the outcome. Similarly, in personal conversations, forcing a win often destroys trust and respect.

Instead of seeking victory, focus on understanding perspectives and maintaining relationships. This approach leads to better long-term outcomes and preserves the connection with the other person.

2. Control the pace of conversation to maintain emotional stability

Your emotions can hijack your thinking when conversations speed up beyond your comfort zone. This emotional flooding makes it difficult to find the right words and leads to saying things you don't mean. The key insight is that no conversation can move faster than your response rate.

When someone peppers you with rapid-fire questions or comments, resist the urge to match their pace. Take deliberate pauses between their statement and your response. This gives your analytical mind time to engage rather than letting pure emotion drive your words.

A practical technique involves letting your breath be the first "word" you say. Where you would normally start speaking immediately, insert a breath instead. This simple practice keeps you grounded and prevents both you and the other person from becoming emotionally flooded.

3. Confident people speak less while insecure people feel compelled to prove themselves

True confidence manifests as calm, measured communication rather than verbose displays of knowledge or experience. Insecure individuals constantly feel the need to demonstrate their intelligence, share more experiences, or drop more names. They mistake volume of words for impact.

The most respected people in meetings are often those who speak the least. When they do contribute, everyone listens because their words carry weight. They don't need to prove their worth through constant chatter.

Great leaders exemplify this principle by responding thoughtfully to conversations rather than dominating them. They leave space for others to contribute and create an environment where meaningful dialogue can occur.

4. Use specific phrases to address passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive communication often stems from learned patterns where people don't know how to express themselves directly. When someone makes subtle negative comments, address it immediately with specific questions. Ask "Should I read into that?" or "Sounds like there's more to that."

For more overtly aggressive behavior, begin your response with "Did you mean..." This approach serves two purposes. First, it gives the person grace to clarify their intention if they misspoke. Second, it directly calls attention to their behavior if it was intentional.

Examples include asking "Did you mean for that to sound rude?" or "Did you say that to embarrass me?" This technique either allows them to correct themselves or forces them to own their aggressive behavior explicitly.

5. Ask "What did you hear?" instead of defending what you said

Miscommunication often escalates when people defend their original statement rather than understanding how it was received. When someone claims you said something hurtful, your instinct might be to argue "That's not what I said!" This response dismisses their experience entirely.

Instead, ask "What did you hear?" This question shifts focus from your intent to their perception. What matters in communication is not just what you meant to convey, but what actually landed with the other person.

Once you understand their perspective, you can respond with phrases like "I can see how you'd feel that way" or "That wasn't my intent." This validates their experience while clarifying your actual meaning, preventing defensive spirals.

6. Give distance when someone withdraws from conversation

When someone gives you the silent treatment or completely disengages, resist the urge to pursue them aggressively. Pushing harder or saying hurtful things to provoke a response typically backfires. Their withdrawal often indicates they need processing time.

Allow them the space they've created. This might mean waiting a day or two before reaching out. When you do reconnect, use distance metaphors like "I feel like we're miles apart" or "You feel far away from me right now."

You can also acknowledge their choice positively by saying something like "I think it was smart of you to give this conversation some space." This frames their withdrawal as a constructive decision rather than punishment, making them more likely to re-engage.

7. Lower your voice tone to project authority and control

Voice tonality significantly impacts how others perceive your confidence and authority. Upward inflections make statements sound like questions, undermining your credibility. Downward inflections convey certainty and control.

When making foundational statements about your values or boundaries, use a lower register with downward inflection. Compare "I'm not going to do that?" (upward) with "I'm not going to do that." (downward). The difference in perceived authority is substantial.

This principle extends beyond individual words to your overall vocal presence. A consistently lower, calmer tone naturally slows down both your thinking and the other person's emotional responses, creating space for more thoughtful dialogue.

8. Establish boundaries using "accept" and "allow" language

Personal boundaries become more powerful when framed using specific language choices. Phrases like "I don't allow people to yell at me" or "I don't accept disrespectful behavior" establish clear expectations for how others can interact with you.

This language shifts the dynamic from reactive responses to proactive boundary setting. Instead of arguing about specific incidents, you're providing a manual for acceptable interaction. It gives you a sense of control and confidence in difficult relationships.

The word choice matters because "accept" and "allow" position you as someone who makes conscious decisions about treatment rather than someone things simply happen to. This subtle shift in language creates significant psychological power.

9. Recognize when you're playing the narcissist's game

Interactions with narcissistic individuals operate on a simple dynamic: praise or provoke. They either want you to validate them or they want to upset you. Understanding this game is crucial because traditional communication strategies often fail with narcissists.

The most effective approach involves refusing to play their game entirely. Don't chase every statement they make or try to compete with their stories and accomplishments. Use phrases like "Okay, noted" or "I got it" to acknowledge without engaging.

Remember that narcissists construct their entire identity around maintaining this superior facade. Your attempts to reason with them or get them to apologize are unlikely to succeed because it would require them to acknowledge fault.

10. Use perspective language to de-escalate conflicts

Certain words naturally reduce tension and help people feel heard during disagreements. Words related to perspective - like "see," "view," and "perspective" - acknowledge the other person's experience without requiring you to agree with it.

Phrases like "I can see how you'd feel that way" or "I can see why that would upset you" demonstrate that you've taken time to understand their viewpoint. This validation often reduces their need to argue because they feel acknowledged.

This technique works because it separates understanding from agreement. You can validate someone's perspective as reasonable given their experience while still maintaining your own position. The simple act of acknowledgment often dissolves much of the emotional charge in difficult conversations.