#1 Parenting Psychologist: What Is Over-Parenting & Are You Doing It?

Here are the 10 takeaways from Dr. Aliza Pressman's conversation with Jay Shetty that will transform your approach to raising resilient, confident children.

1. The importance of reflection before and during parenting

Reflection is a crucial part of effective parenting. Taking time to think about your own upbringing and how you were parented helps you become more intentional about your approach. This reflection allows you to identify what patterns you want to continue and what you want to change with your own children.

Dr. Pressman emphasizes that reflection isn't just a one-time exercise but an ongoing practice. She suggests writing down the story of who you are as a parent that your child might tell their grandchildren someday. This exercise helps clarify your parenting mission statement and values. Regular check-ins with yourself about whether your actions align with these values ensure you stay on your intended path.

2. The dynamic nature of attachment relationships

Contrary to outdated beliefs that parent-child attachment is fixed early in life, Dr. Pressman explains that attachment relationships are dynamic and can change over time. This means parents can develop secure attachments with children of any age, even if they didn't establish them early on.

This insight offers hope to parents who feel they've made mistakes or missed opportunities. The relationship quality can improve at any stage, whether your child is five or thirty-five years old. The core of secure attachment isn't about fixing problems but about being present and supportive through all experiences, particularly difficult ones.

3. Finding the balance between discipline and relationship

One of the most valuable insights from the discussion is that effective discipline coexists with strong relationships. Dr. Pressman summarizes this principle as "all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not." This approach validates emotional experiences while maintaining necessary boundaries.

Parents often fear that setting boundaries will damage their relationship with their child. However, Dr. Pressman explains that healthy discipline actually strengthens trust when done with clear intention for physical and emotional safety. The challenge is not being swayed by a child's negative reaction to limits. Children won't thank you for boundaries, but maintaining them consistently while supporting them emotionally builds resilience.

4. The relationship between competence and confidence

Dr. Pressman makes a powerful distinction between praise and competence. She explains that competence builds confidence, not praise. Simply telling children they're amazing doesn't develop actual confidence; helping them build skills does.

These skills don't need to be extraordinary talents like playing violin or excelling at sports. Even basic capabilities like cooking or completing household chores can build a sense of competence. When parents do everything for children that they're capable of doing themselves, they deny them the opportunity to develop confidence. Allowing children to develop and demonstrate skills, and even to teach others what they know, reinforces their sense of capability.

5. The role of temperament in parenting approaches

Temperament plays a significant role in how children respond to their environment. Dr. Pressman describes children using the metaphor of flowers—some are orchids requiring specific conditions to thrive, while others are dandelions that grow in almost any environment.

This concept explains why siblings raised in the same household can respond so differently to identical parenting approaches. Understanding your child's temperament helps tailor your parenting to their specific needs. The idea of "goodness of fit" between parent and child temperaments is also important. When there's a mismatch, parents may need to adjust their natural tendencies to better support their child's development.

Parents who recognize their child's unique temperament can leverage strengths instead of focusing on perceived weaknesses. For example, a highly sensitive child might develop exceptional empathy and creativity when that sensitivity is nurtured rather than criticized.

6. The need for age-appropriate communication

Communication strategies should evolve as children grow. With young children under five, physical communication often proves more effective than verbal explanations. Dr. Pressman suggests that parents generally use too many words when dealing with young children.

Instead of lengthy explanations, lending your calm nervous system to a distressed child through touch and presence can be more impactful. Children learn more from watching your reactions than from your words. This is similar to how airplane passengers look to flight attendants during turbulence to gauge whether they should be concerned.

As children grow older, verbal communication becomes more important, but should still be honest and concise. When your words don't match your emotional state, children receive mixed messages that undermine their ability to trust their perceptions.

7. The adolescent need for autonomy and rejection

During adolescence, pushing boundaries and rejecting parental values is a necessary developmental stage. Dr. Pressman explains that this behavior aligns with brain development and serves an important purpose—preparing young people to leave home and function independently.

Parents can support this development by being present without being intrusive. Dr. Pressman uses the metaphor of changing from a "dog" (enthusiastic, always engaged) to a "cat" (available but not overwhelming) as children grow older. For teenagers, physical presence remains important, but verbal intensity should decrease.

This developmental push for independence explains why the years between 11 and 25 are often challenging for parent-child relationships. Understanding that rejection is part of the process can help parents avoid taking it personally and maintain connection through this necessary transition.

8. The overvaluing of children's happiness

One of the worst parenting pieces of advice, according to Dr. Pressman, is "you just want your kids to be happy." This focus on constant happiness creates unrealistic expectations and misses the deeper purpose of parenting—raising resilient humans.

Happiness comes not from avoiding discomfort but from knowing you can return to positive emotions after difficult experiences. When parents try to ensure their children never experience negative emotions, they prevent the development of emotional resilience.

The goal isn't to make children constantly happy but to help them learn to navigate the full range of human emotions. This includes allowing them to experience disappointment, frustration, and sadness with supportive guidance. This approach builds emotional intelligence and prepares them for real-world challenges.

9. The value of rupture and repair in relationships

Dr. Pressman explains that imperfection in parenting isn't just inevitable—it's actually beneficial when followed by repair. Just as muscles need tiny ruptures to grow stronger, relationships need small moments of disconnection followed by reconnection to build resilience.

This insight relieves the pressure of perfect parenting. Making mistakes, failing to fix everything, and occasionally disappointing your child aren't failures—they're opportunities to model repair and build stronger connections. The key is remaining present and engaged during the difficult moments rather than withdrawing.

Parents who understand this concept can spend their energy on reconnection rather than self-recrimination. Dr. Pressman points out that it takes the same amount of energy to shame yourself as it does to shift yourself toward more effective patterns.

10. The danger of overcorrection in parenting

Parents often try to give their children what they lacked in their own upbringing. While this intention comes from a good place, it can lead to overcorrection and imbalance. For example, parents who didn't receive enough affection might avoid setting necessary boundaries in their determination to show love.

Finding the middle path requires awareness of these compensatory tendencies. Parents need to recognize when their efforts to fill gaps from their own childhood might be creating new imbalances for their children.

The most effective approach acknowledges the importance of what was missing in your own upbringing without overcorrecting to the point of neglecting other essential aspects of parenting. This balanced perspective allows children to benefit from your insights without suffering from new blind spots.