Dating Experts: “She’s Definitely Not in Love with You!” EXPOSING the Habits That END Relationships

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Lewis Howes' podcast featuring relationship experts Sadia Khan and Matthew Hussey on why relationships fail and how to navigate complex relationship challenges.

1. Ingratitude breeds relationship dissatisfaction

Sadia Khan explains that one of the main causes of relationship failure is ingratitude, often fueled by social media. People constantly see idealized versions of relationships online, which makes them compare and feel dissatisfied with their own partnerships. Men might compare their partners to the endless stream of attractive women online, while women compare their relationships to the perfectly staged couple content they see.

This constant comparison creates a perception that one is being held back rather than supported by their partner. People spend more time envying what they don't have than nurturing and appreciating what they do. The "Instagramification" of relationships creates unrealistic expectations that real relationships can never meet, even when comparing to genuinely healthy relationships that simply don't showcase their struggles online.

2. Poor conflict resolution destroys relationships

Another significant cause of relationship breakdown is the inability to effectively resolve conflicts. Many people either avoid confrontation due to fear of being alone or engage in arguments simply to prove they're right rather than to find solutions. This pattern prevents relationships from being properly maintained and issues from being addressed.

Some partners refuse to raise concerns because they fear being alone or having to start over with someone new. Others become confrontational but without any intention of resolving the issue - they just want to win the argument. Both approaches prevent the relationship from getting the maintenance and care it needs to thrive long-term.

3. Familiarity breeds contempt in long-term relationships

Matthew Hussey points out that in long-term relationships, it's easy to take partners for granted and focus on their flaws rather than their positive qualities. When you share space with someone for years, you become so accustomed to their presence that you no longer actively appreciate what they bring to your life.

The initial gratitude we feel when finding a good relationship after a difficult one fades over time. Hussey suggests an exercise of writing down "the complaints you don't have because of the partner you have" - focusing on what problems you're not experiencing because of your partner's positive qualities. This perspective shift helps combat the natural tendency to become numb to the good parts of a relationship while amplifying minor annoyances.

4. Emotional regulation is essential for relationship health

When asked about the most important skill for relationships, the speakers emphasize emotional regulation. Our closest relationships trigger our strongest emotional reactions, making regulation particularly challenging with partners. People often reserve their patience for colleagues and acquaintances while depleting their emotional resources before returning home to their partners.

The panel suggests giving partners the same grace and patience extended to others who do far less for us. They also note that emotionally dysregulated people sometimes select partners who enable their behavior by tolerating it. True growth happens when a dysregulated person meets someone they genuinely respect who also has clear boundaries about what behavior they will accept.

5. The danger of anxious fawning in relationships

Matthew Hussey describes a common pattern called "anxious fawning" where people overgive while undercommunicating their own needs. This happens when someone fears losing their partner so much that they prioritize making them happy at all costs. This combination is toxic because it leads to burnout while preventing the partner from understanding what the person truly needs.

This behavior attracts different responses depending on the partner's attachment style. Avoidant types feel suffocated and pull away, anxious types may consume all the giving without reciprocating, and secure types struggle to connect with someone who never expresses their true preferences. This weapon of choice — overgiving to become indispensable — particularly attracts toxic partners who see an opportunity for exploitation.

6. Understanding personal "weapons of choice" in relationships

Everyone has default defense mechanisms or "weapons of choice" they deploy when feeling vulnerable in relationships. Some people reject others before they can be rejected, while others try to become indispensable through overgiving. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for breaking unhealthy relationship cycles.

These weapons meet certain needs but can become barriers to genuine connection. For example, someone who uses humor as control might struggle with sincere conversations. Breaking these patterns requires giving up the comfort of familiar behaviors to develop healthier relationship skills. This process often feels like taking a step backward before moving forward, similar to learning to walk again in unfamiliar emotional territory.

7. Differing views on recovering from infidelity

The podcast features a heated debate about gender differences in forgiving infidelity. Sadia Khan argues that women who cheat have fundamentally lost respect for their partners, making recovery nearly impossible if the man forgives her. She believes women look for "protectiveness" in men, and forgiveness signals weakness in this context.

Matthew Hussey strongly disagrees with this characterization, finding it reductive of women's capacity for compassion and growth. He believes both men and women can genuinely regret infidelity and rebuild trust if both parties are committed to understanding why it happened and doing the deep work necessary to repair the relationship. He emphasizes that cheating is wrong regardless of gender, but recovery possibilities depend on individual circumstances rather than gender.

8. The conversation with ourselves about relationship goals

One of the hardest but most important conversations is with ourselves about what we truly want from relationships. This becomes particularly crucial around topics like having children, where biological timelines create pressure. Matthew Hussey recommends people develop clear "Plan B" and even "Plan C" scenarios for major life goals like having children.

Without this self-honesty, people risk "sleepwalking into their biggest regrets" by defaulting to whatever feels good in the moment rather than what aligns with their true path. This might mean entering relationships with fundamentally misaligned goals simply because they feel good temporarily. Being clear about your path helps you say no to the wrong relationships, even when they're tempting or comfortable.

9. Dealing with relationship deal-breakers

The speakers discuss how to handle fundamental incompatibilities or "deal-breakers" in relationships. Sadia suggests that deal-breakers can sometimes be deprioritized if you can do so without building resentment. This might involve finding alternative ways to fulfill needs or ensuring reciprocal compromise from both partners.

For example, if partners disagree about having children, one might decide they can be fulfilled through other means like focusing on nieces and nephews. However, this only works if the compromise doesn't lead to accumulated resentment or make someone feel they're losing their identity. In healthy compromise, both partners make equivalent sacrifices so neither feels they're giving up more than the other.

10. The importance of grieving after relationship betrayal

After experiencing betrayal like infidelity, proper healing requires grieving before moving to a new relationship. Matthew Hussey recommends practicing self-compassion by recognizing that the part of you that believed in the relationship wasn't foolish but rather represented your capacity for love and commitment.

This grieving process helps create a deeper connection with yourself, allowing you to become your own protector and advocate. Without this healing, people risk either becoming hypervigilant in new relationships or repeating patterns that led to previous pain. Those who successfully navigate this grief often develop stronger boundaries and a better sense of who deserves access to their hearts, becoming more selective but also more capable of genuine vulnerability.