Kerry Washington: “They Lied About Who My Parents Were”! How I Turned Betrayal into New Purpose!

Here are the top 10 insights from Kerry Washington's raw and revealing conversation about family secrets, self-worth, and living authentically.

1. Discovering her biological truth

Kerry Washington revealed that she was conceived with the help of a sperm donor, a fact she only discovered in her 40s. This revelation was transformative for her family relationships. Her parents had kept this secret her entire life, believing it would destroy their family if revealed.

The truth actually brought them closer together. Kerry expressed that she finally understood confusing family dynamics from her childhood. She felt she "entered the world in a lie," but the revelation allowed her to say to her father, "I love you unconditionally" - a more powerful love rooted in absolute vulnerability and honesty.

2. The journey to feeling "enough"

Kerry struggled with feeling "not enough" from early childhood. This manifested in various ways, including an eating disorder in college. She believed her sense of disconnection from her parents stemmed from the family secret, which made her think she needed to be "better" to earn their love and presence.

When asked when she started to feel "enough," Kerry explained it's been a gradual process since college. She's collected various healing tools and practices over decades - therapy, yoga, meditation, introspection. The revelation of her biological truth gave her permission to relax into who she is and feel "good" with herself.

3. Therapy as essential maintenance

Kerry emphasized the importance of therapy, both individual and couples therapy. She and her husband view therapy not as something only needed in crisis, but as regular maintenance for their relationship - similar to going to the gym for physical health.

She challenged the stigma around couples therapy, sharing how her father once asked what was wrong when learning they attended therapy. Kerry explained that nothing was wrong - they see therapy as a place to care for their marriage and celebrate what they're doing well, not just address problems.

4. Strength through vulnerability

One of Kerry's core beliefs is that true strength comes through vulnerability. Her willingness to share her family's secret publicly in her memoir created a new fearlessness in her life and career. This newfound strength allowed her to physically embody power in her role as a mercenary in the film "Shadow Force."

The process transformed her understanding of both vulnerability and strength. She found that the things we think will destroy us might become our greatest gifts. Kerry witnessed this with her father, who initially feared the truth would destroy him but eventually received standing ovations at book events celebrating his role as her dad.

5. Marriage as a team sport

Kerry described healthy relationships as more than just "give and take." She explained that couples should think of their relationship as a third entity they both pour into - like a spiritual or emotional bank account. Rather than keeping score of who does what for whom, both partners contribute to nurturing the relationship itself.

In her film "Shadow Force," Kerry plays a mercenary who, along with her husband (played by Omar Sy), must work together to protect their son. She drew parallels between the characters becoming an "unstoppable team" and what marriage truly is - identifying each other's strengths and weaknesses, developing shared language, and aligning on shared priorities.

6. The mind-body connection in healing

Washington spoke about the importance of physically embodying emotional states. She described getting on her knees to pray in college as a physical manifestation of humility, reminding herself she's not in control and can ask for help outside herself.

Similarly, when playing different characters, she uses rituals to help her nervous system transition. For example, when playing a married character, she pins her real wedding ring to herself during filming, then deliberately removes the character's ring and puts her own back on at day's end. During her pregnancy while filming intense scenes on "Scandal," she would place hands on her belly between takes saying "it's just pretend" to calm her nervous system.

7. Internal Family Systems as a transformative approach

Kerry mentioned that Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy has been transformative for her, particularly in the past year. She found this approach especially accessible as an actor because she's accustomed to working with different parts of herself.

IFS has helped her create distance from negative thoughts and feelings without being consumed by them. When thoughts of being "not enough" arise, she can recognize the part telling that story without identifying wholly with it. She can acknowledge where the belief comes from without accepting it as truth, providing her with greater emotional freedom.

8. Stories we tell ourselves versus truth

Kerry discussed how we often get trapped in stories we tell ourselves: "The story I'm telling myself is that my job is terrible. The story I'm telling myself is that the world is on fire." She emphasized the importance of recognizing these as stories rather than objective truth.

This perspective allows her to respond rather than react to challenging thoughts and feelings. Instead of being controlled by negative self-perception, she can acknowledge it without surrendering her entire existence to that message. This practice helps her maintain perspective when facing self-doubt or criticism.

9. Balancing career and parenthood

The conversation touched on the challenges of balancing a demanding acting career with family life. Kerry drew parallels between her new film "Shadow Force" and her real life, where both parents must coordinate and sometimes take turns being the primary caregiver.

She appreciated that her film portrays a father as the primary parent while the mother protects from a distance. This representation challenges cultural expectations about parenthood and reflects her belief that "it takes a village" to raise children. She values partnership in parenting and acknowledges that being a great parent sometimes means leaning on partners and support systems.

10. The power of present-moment awareness

When asked what advice her future self would give her today, Kerry emphasized cherishing every moment with loved ones. She shared a powerful story about visiting San Quentin prison for a film festival and crossing a line that incarcerated people couldn't cross.

This experience sparked profound gratitude for her freedom and the simple joys of life. She realized she hadn't woken up that morning feeling grateful for her liberty or ability to hug her husband. The contrast made her value these privileges immensely. She views this perspective as an invitation to gratitude - recognizing the good in our lives before it's gone, rather than taking it for granted.