Love Psychologist: “This Happens JUST Before Heartbreak!” What MRI Scans REVEAL About Breaking Up!

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Dr. Guy Winch's conversation with Lewis Howes about love, heartbreak, and building healthy relationships that could transform how you approach your romantic life.

1. Love is an addiction

The brain processes romantic love as a form of addiction. Dr. Guy Winch explains that people become addicted to their partners, often extraordinarily quickly. This addiction manifests as constantly thinking about the person, prioritizing them above everything else, and experiencing emotional highs and lows based on their responses or lack thereof.

Brain studies reveal that the withdrawal from romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain as withdrawal from substances. This explains why breakups can be so physically and emotionally painful. Unlike substance abuse, however, there are fewer support services for people experiencing heartbreak, especially for adults who are expected to quickly move on from relationships.

2. Relationship foundations are like cement

Relationship dynamics are compared to cement—they can be molded when fresh but become difficult to change once they've dried. The first dates and months of a relationship are critical as they establish precedents and unspoken contracts about expectations, responsibilities, and dynamics between partners.

Many people make the mistake of accepting behaviors early in relationships that they later find problematic. When they try to change these patterns later, it's significantly more difficult and can cause damage to the relationship. Dr. Winch emphasizes that trying to "fix it in post" rarely works because relationship patterns solidify quickly and require significant effort to change once established.

3. People fall in love with incomplete information

Most people fall in love before truly knowing their partner. They have limited data points about the person and fill in the gaps with optimism and hope. This psychological process happens quickly and can lead to falling for an idealized version of someone rather than their authentic self.

To truly know a person, Dr. Winch suggests experiencing a full year's cycle together. This includes seeing how they handle conflict, travel, stress, holidays, family dynamics, and situations where your values may not align perfectly. Only after experiencing these various contexts can you make an informed decision about compatibility, yet most people commit before having this complete picture.

4. Emotional and physical pain share neural pathways

The brain doesn't distinguish well between emotional and physical pain. Functional MRI studies show remarkably similar brain activity patterns between people experiencing physical pain and those suffering from heartbreak. This explains why emotional pain can feel so physically real and debilitating.

In one experiment described by Dr. Winch, researchers compared brain scans of people experiencing physical pain from heat applied to their arm with those reliving a heartbreak while looking at photos of their ex. The brain patterns were so similar that experts had difficulty telling them apart. This biological connection helps explain why emotional trauma can be as devastating as physical injury.

5. Self-criticism worsens rejection

When experiencing rejection, our natural tendency is to become self-critical, reviewing all our perceived flaws to understand why we were rejected. This self-criticism activates old emotional wounds and significantly damages self-esteem, creating a harmful cycle that deepens the pain of rejection.

Instead of self-criticism, Dr. Winch recommends focusing on what you bring to the table—your positive qualities and strengths. By reminding yourself of your value rather than ruminating on insecurities, you can protect your self-esteem during vulnerable periods. He emphasizes that rejection, particularly in dating contexts, is usually about compatibility rather than personal inadequacy.

6. Emotional literacy is crucial for relationships

Most people have extremely limited emotional vocabulary, making it difficult to accurately express what they're feeling. Dr. Winch recommends using an "emotion wheel"—a tool showing hundreds of emotions organized by category—to help identify and communicate more precise feelings beyond generic terms like "upset" or "bummed."

Developing emotional literacy allows for clearer communication with partners and better self-understanding. When you can pinpoint that you're feeling "betrayed," "disappointed," "misunderstood," and "questioning your judgment" rather than just "upset," it helps others understand how to support you and helps you process your emotions more effectively. This specificity creates stronger connections and more productive conflict resolution.

7. Strong self-esteem leads to healthier relationships

Building strong self-esteem before entering relationships is crucial for making better relationship choices. People with healthy self-esteem are less likely to accept poor treatment, stay in unfulfilling relationships, or compromise their values just to avoid being alone.

The foundation for solid self-esteem comes from honestly assessing your qualities and accepting all parts of yourself—both strengths and weaknesses. Dr. Winch suggests making lists of qualities you like about yourself and areas for growth, then working on improvements one at a time. This self-knowledge and acceptance creates the confidence to establish healthy relationship patterns from the beginning.

8. Healing from heartbreak requires active strategies

Getting over heartbreak isn't just about waiting for time to pass—it's an active process that requires specific strategies. When experiencing heartbreak, people often make the mistake of passively suffering rather than taking deliberate steps to heal.

Dr. Winch explains that heartbreak creates voids in your life that need to be intentionally filled. These voids might be practical (empty spaces in your home, lost weekend activities) or identity-based (losing your sense of self as part of a couple). The healing process involves rebuilding these aspects of life and reducing how often you think about the person, which is the primary symptom of heartbreak. Distraction through work, caring for children, or other responsibilities can provide valuable periods of relief.

9. Parents should prepare children for the real world

The goal of parenting is to prepare children for the world they will enter, not the sheltered environment of childhood. Dr. Winch advises parents to gradually loosen protection as children grow, allowing them to experience age-appropriate challenges while parents are still available to help them develop coping skills.

Many parents make the mistake of overprotecting their children well into their late teens, then suddenly releasing them into adulthood without the necessary resilience or skills. This leaves young adults vulnerable to crumbling when facing inevitable difficulties. Better parenting involves allowing children to face hardships under supervision, teaching them that their feelings are normal while guiding them to manage those feelings constructively.

10. Relationship skills should be formally taught

Despite the high divorce rate and widespread relationship dissatisfaction, relationship skills are rarely formally taught. Dr. Winch argues that schools should include relationship education, as these skills don't develop naturally without guidance.

Young people often have misconceptions about relationships, such as believing "if it's meant to be, it'll work out" rather than understanding that relationships require active formation and maintenance. Even a brief two-week class in high school could provide valuable knowledge that would prevent significant heartache. Dr. Winch expresses frustration that despite extensive scientific knowledge about what makes relationships successful, this information isn't systematically shared with young people who need it most.