Matthew Hussey: If They Start Doing This, STOP Texting Them Immediately!
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Matthew Hussey's conversation with Lewis Howes about finding love, building healthy relationships, and breaking self-sabotaging patterns that keep us stuck in dating cycles.
1. Finding love is hard and that's okay
Matthew Hussey emphasizes that society needs to stop pretending love comes easily. The cultural narrative of "it'll happen when you least expect it" creates false expectations and shame around struggling with dating. Love requires genuine effort, patience, and acceptance that the process can be difficult and sometimes painful.
Accepting this difficulty removes the pressure to appear effortless in dating. When people expect love to be easy, they often feel broken or inadequate when facing normal dating challenges. Hussey argues that once we acknowledge dating is genuinely hard work, we can approach it with more realistic expectations and self-compassion.
2. The right person accepts what you fear they won't
The conversation reveals a fundamental truth about compatibility: hiding your authentic self to attract someone creates relationships built on false foundations. The right partner for you will accept the very things you're most afraid to reveal about yourself. This includes financial struggles, past mistakes, insecurities, and vulnerabilities.
Hussey shares that trying to trick someone into loving you by concealing your flaws leads to relationships where you never feel truly accepted. When you hide parts of yourself, you create two problems: ongoing anxiety about being discovered, and attracting someone who might not actually be compatible with your true self. Authentic connection requires the courage to be seen fully.
3. Our survival instincts often sabotage good relationships
Both men and women develop protective patterns based on past hurt that can destroy potentially healthy relationships. These patterns feel like instincts but are actually learned responses to previous trauma or disappointment. For example, someone might chase unavailable people because pursuit feels familiar, or sabotage stable relationships because they don't know how to handle genuine acceptance.
Hussey explains that these patterns served a purpose at one time but become counterproductive in new situations. A person might pull away when someone shows real interest because their brain interprets safety as danger. Breaking these cycles requires recognizing that our automatic responses aren't always accurate guides for current situations.
The key is developing awareness of these patterns without self-judgment. Understanding that these responses developed for valid reasons helps create the compassion needed to change them gradually.
4. Vulnerability requires the right recipient
The discussion reveals how sharing vulnerability with the wrong person can create lasting damage. Hussey shares experiences where opening up emotionally was met with rejection or judgment, leading to protective armor that prevents future connection. This creates a cycle where people become afraid to be vulnerable, making genuine intimacy impossible.
The conversation emphasizes that vulnerability isn't universally good advice. The recipient's ability to handle emotional openness matters enormously. When someone reacts poorly to your vulnerability, it says more about their emotional capacity than your worth. However, these negative experiences often teach people to shut down entirely rather than seek more emotionally mature partners.
Finding someone who responds to vulnerability with acceptance and love rather than judgment represents a crucial relationship milestone. This creates safety for both people to show up authentically.
5. We chase what feels familiar, not what's good for us
Hussey identifies a dangerous pattern where people pursue relationships that feel exciting because they're difficult or unstable. When someone texts back immediately and shows consistent interest, it can feel boring compared to the adrenaline rush of chasing someone who's hot and cold. Our brains falsely calculate that if something is rare or hard to get, it must be more valuable.
This creates a cycle where healthy, available people get overlooked in favor of those who create drama or uncertainty. The excitement of wondering "will they text back?" gets confused with genuine chemistry or compatibility. People often mistake anxiety for attraction and stability for lack of spark.
Breaking this pattern requires retraining your instincts to recognize that healthy relationships might feel different from what you're used to. The goal becomes appreciating consistency and kindness rather than chasing the artificial scarcity created by emotionally unavailable people.
6. Small acts of consideration matter more than grand gestures
The discussion of Hussey's marriage reveals how simple, consistent choices to prioritize your partner's happiness create deep connection. He describes learning that his wife loves neighborhood walks and making the decision to join her regularly, even when inconvenient. These small moments of choosing your partner's joy over your own convenience build lasting intimacy.
This concept extends to recognizing "bids for connection" when your partner shares something they're excited about. Instead of dismissing these moments because you're busy or uninterested, treating them as opportunities to know your partner better strengthens the relationship foundation. These micro-moments of attention and care accumulate into profound connection over time.
7. Financial anxiety will show up in relationships whether you address it or not
Money stress and shame around financial mistakes create negative energy that partners feel, even when the specific issue remains hidden. If you're anxious about debt or poor financial decisions, that anxiety affects your mood and behavior in ways your partner notices. However, they interpret your stress as you being difficult or moody rather than understanding the root cause.
Hussey argues that hiding financial problems creates two issues: ongoing bad energy and eventual betrayal when the truth emerges. The fear that someone won't love you if they know about your financial mistakes often becomes self-fulfilling when they feel deceived by your secrecy.
Approaching financial disclosure with ownership and a clear plan for improvement demonstrates integrity. The right person will appreciate your honesty and commitment to addressing the issue rather than judging you for past mistakes.
8. Comparison with others in relationships is often misleading
The conversation highlights how comparing your single status to others' relationships creates unnecessary pain. Many people who appear to have found love will not be in those same relationships in five to ten years. Additionally, some people in long-term relationships are actually miserable but staying due to fear or obligation rather than genuine happiness.
Hussey emphasizes that being single doesn't mean you're behind in life. Life doesn't follow a linear timeline where everyone should reach certain milestones by specific ages. Some people find love early but lose it, while others find their person later but build something lasting.
The comparison trap becomes particularly dangerous when it leads to settling for poor relationships just to avoid being single. Choosing to leave an unhappy relationship often requires more courage and leads to greater happiness than staying in something that doesn't serve you.
9. Experimenting with new responses breaks destructive patterns
The path to changing self-sabotaging behaviors involves becoming curious about doing things differently rather than trying to completely transform overnight. Instead of attempting to believe that dramatic changes are possible, focus on trying slightly different responses to familiar situations. This creates evidence that alternative outcomes exist.
Hussey suggests approaching pattern-breaking as experimentation. When you normally shut down, try speaking up. When you usually chase, try stepping back. The goal isn't to achieve perfect results immediately but to discover that different actions create different outcomes. This builds evidence against the limiting belief that "this is just how things always go for me."
Even small changes can shift entire relationship trajectories. The woman who might normally send an angry text could instead make a vulnerable phone call, creating space for connection rather than conflict.
10. Self-compassion is the foundation for changing relationship patterns
The conversation emphasizes that beating yourself up for having dysfunctional patterns only reinforces them. These patterns developed as survival mechanisms based on real experiences and hurt. Hating yourself for having natural reactions to past trauma prevents the healing needed to develop healthier responses.
Hussey advocates for treating yourself with the same kindness you'd show a friend going through similar struggles. Recognizing that your patterns make sense given your history creates space for change. When you understand that your reactions happen to you rather than being conscious choices, you can respond with compassion rather than self-attack.
This self-compassion creates the emotional safety needed to risk trying new behaviors. When you know you won't destroy yourself for making mistakes, you become willing to experiment with different approaches to relationships and dating.