The Most Vulnerable Things Men Have NEVER Told You
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Jason Wilson's discussion on comprehensive manhood with Lewis Howes that will transform how you understand male emotional expression.
1. Masculinity is not comprehensive manhood
Masculinity is often narrowly defined by attributes like boldness, strength, and aggression. This limited definition fails to acknowledge the full spectrum of human attributes that men possess, including nurturing, kindness, patience, and compassion.
Jason Wilson explains that these qualities aren't feminine attributes but human ones. He argues that men are dying to be treated as complete humans rather than being confined to a restrictive masculine mold. This realization helps men break free from what Wilson calls "emotional incarceration" - the state of suppressing certain emotions to appear strong.
2. Men struggle with emotional expression due to misleading mantras
Boys grow up hearing phrases like "big boys don't cry" and "no pain, no gain" that program them to shut down their emotional expression. When young men show sensitivity, they're often labeled as "soft" or "weak," causing them to close off parts of their hearts.
These misleading mantras lead men to believe they must only express anger or aggression while suppressing all other emotions. This emotional suppression creates difficulty in relationships, as men lack the vocabulary and comfort to express the full range of what they're feeling. Wilson compares it to having only eight crayons (emotions) when there are actually 64 available to express oneself.
3. The imposter syndrome is men's greatest fear in relationships
According to Wilson, the greatest fear for men in relationships isn't commitment itself but the fear of inadequacy. Men often worry that they're not who their partner thinks they are. This fear intensifies when considering marriage because a spouse will see beyond their strong exterior to their vulnerabilities.
During COVID lockdowns, divorce rates increased partly because men could no longer maintain their façade when spending all day at home. Without the separation of work and home, women saw men's full emotional range, including moments of depression or anxiety. This exposure felt threatening to men who had never shown vulnerability before. The fear isn't about being with one person forever; it's about being fully known and potentially rejected.
4. Men need to evolve beyond being only protectors and providers
Traditional masculinity focuses heavily on being a protector and provider. While these roles are important foundations of manhood, Wilson explains they're insufficient for comprehensive manhood. When his mother developed dementia, he realized he couldn't fully meet her needs by only being a protector and provider.
She needed compassion when confused, patience when repeating questions, and gentle care for daily tasks. This experience showed him that comprehensive manhood requires embracing all human attributes. Wilson encourages men to "run to the moments where you fear feeling the emotions that make you feel weak" as a path to transformation and greater wholeness.
5. Comprehensive manhood means having balance between strength and sensitivity
A comprehensive man balances seemingly opposite characteristics: being strong but sensitive, courageous but compassionate. Wilson challenges the idea of the "alpha male," noting it's been proven a myth even in wolf packs. True leadership doesn't require dominance or aggression.
He uses the analogy of gears in a car to illustrate how masculinity alone is insufficient. Masculine traits like strength and boldness are merely first gear - useful for getting started but harmful if that's the only gear used. Just as a car needs multiple gears for different situations, men need to develop multiple facets of their character to navigate life's challenges effectively.
6. Childhood trauma affects men's emotional capabilities
Many men carry unhealed childhood wounds that limit their emotional expression and relationship capabilities. Wilson shares how his own father wound and childhood traumas shaped his beliefs about manhood and his ability to express emotions. His father, while loving, embodied the "masculine male" standard of his era.
These unresolved traumas can cause men to operate from anger (which Wilson calls a surface emotion) rather than addressing deeper feelings of hurt or fear. Without processing these wounds, men often recreate patterns of emotional unavailability in their own families. Wilson emphasizes that healing these wounds is crucial for breaking intergenerational cycles of emotional suppression.
7. Men need to learn strategic emotional control
Wilson teaches what he calls "comprehensive fighter" principles - knowing when to engage emotionally and when to retreat. He shares a personal example of confronting a man who had been following his wife, illustrating how he failed to maintain strategic control in that moment. After ensuring his wife's safety, he reengaged with the man out of anger rather than walking away.
This strategic emotional control isn't about suppression but about wise discernment. Wilson advises men to process emotions in real-time, considering consequences before acting. He uses the analogy of "lion mode" versus "lamb mode" - bringing out the lion when necessary for protection but not staying in that heightened state when the threat is gone.
8. Men need to find identity beyond performance
Many men suffer because their entire identity is wrapped up in their work, accomplishments, or performance. This creates an exhausting existence where they can never truly rest. Wilson shares how even successful, wealthy men he's met still lack peace because they've done everything they thought would bring fulfillment but still feel empty.
Finding identity beyond performance requires spiritual grounding. For Wilson, his identity in Christ provides stability regardless of external circumstances. He explains that when one's identity isn't tied to accomplishments or relationships, transitions become easier to navigate. This shift from performance-based identity to secure spiritual identity is crucial for men's long-term well-being.
9. Mirror work helps men confront their self-perception
Wilson describes an exercise from his book where men look into their own eyes in a mirror for 60 seconds. This simple but challenging practice helps men connect with themselves beyond their exterior appearance. Many men struggle with this exercise because they've never truly looked at themselves with acceptance.
After the silent gazing, men affirm statements like "I am not an alpha male, I am a comprehensive man" and "I am worth the effort it takes to look good." This mirror work confronts the shame and judgment many men feel about themselves. It creates a pathway for men to see themselves accurately and compassionately, which is essential for emotional growth.
10. Real relationships require mutual vulnerability
A healthy relationship involves both partners being emotionally transparent with each other. Wilson shares how his wife initially struggled to understand his emotional expression, once telling him he was "the most emotional man" she'd ever met. This moment was devastating but became a turning point when he realized he needed to change for himself, not for her.
As men become more emotionally open, they create space for their partners to do the same. Wilson explains that women often adapt their expectations based on what they've experienced from men in the past. When men break these patterns by showing vulnerability, it can initially create confusion but ultimately leads to deeper connection. This mutual vulnerability allows couples to move from performance-based relating to authentic human connection.