The Love Expert: A Relationship Shouldn’t Be Easy! This is One of the Biggest Myths!

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from relationship expert Jillian Turecki on creating healthy, fulfilling partnerships that thrive beyond the honeymoon phase.

1. Relationships require work, not just ease

The idea that relationships should "just be easy" is one of the biggest myths. Healthy relationships require investment of time, energy, and effort from both partners. They need friction to grow and learn more about each other.

Some people mistakenly think they can simply coast in a relationship without putting in work. This creates a clash when paired with someone who understands relationships require active building and maintenance. The honeymoon phase naturally transitions to more committed stages where things get real and challenging, requiring both partners to put in effort to maintain connection.

2. Investment signals genuine interest

When someone is truly invested in you, they show clear signs. They're curious about your story, your happiness, your sadness, and they make space in their life for you. They carve out time despite busy schedules because anything you truly value gets prioritized.

Invested partners ask meaningful questions about your life, childhood, and interests. This goes beyond just vetting compatibility - it demonstrates genuine attraction and desire to develop an emotional bond. When someone consistently shows low investment compared to you, it signals a fundamental mismatch that will be difficult to overcome regardless of other factors.

3. You cannot change another person

One fundamental relationship truth is that you cannot change your partner. You have limited options: either completely accept them as they are or decide not to be with them. Fixating on changing someone makes you the problem, not them.

This doesn't mean people can't grow together. However, growth happens at different paces for different people. Expecting someone to grow precisely how and when you want creates suffering. The healthier approach is having few expectations and limited attachment to outcomes while remaining fully engaged in the relationship itself.

4. Self-worth directly impacts relationship choices

A person's level of self-worth profoundly shapes their relationship choices and dynamics. Someone with low self-worth often chooses partners who cannot meet their needs, remaining fixated on being "enough" for that person rather than assessing if that person is enough for them.

Those with low self-worth may pursue "broken" partners, attempting to "fix" them. This creates a dependency dynamic where they feel needed rather than loved. The motivation often stems from fear of abandonment - if the partner needs them, they won't leave. This pattern typically originates in childhood experiences and continues until self-worth improves through healing.

5. Love alone is not enough

Love by itself cannot sustain a relationship. People rarely end relationships due to lack of love but rather because they don't feel seen, understood, or respected. Resentment often becomes the real relationship killer.

Love provides the fuel for wanting to communicate, understand each other, collaborate, and repair after conflicts. However, sometimes you won't feel intensely in love with your partner, often due to your own state - stress, poor sleep, or disconnection from yourself. Self-awareness means recognizing when your perception is skewed by your own condition rather than blaming your partner.

6. Communication is the foundation of relationship success

Effective communication starts with listening more and talking less. It involves being attuned to your partner's nonverbal cues and body language, not just their words. This deeper understanding helps partners recognize each other's emotional states even when not explicitly stated.

Becoming a "master" of your partner means studying them like a work of art. You should know their emotional highs and lows, their triggers, what makes them happy or miserable, and what they need to feel loved, safe, and important. This level of attunement requires genuine curiosity and ongoing interest in truly knowing your partner beyond surface interactions.

7. Stress destroys relationships if not managed

Stress profoundly alters how we perceive our relationships and partners. It changes our biology and perspective, making small issues seem larger and positive aspects less visible. Consistently feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally off-balance without addressing it directly damages relationship quality.

The key insight is that relationships improve not when circumstances become less stressful, but when you learn to react to stress differently. Learning to tolerate uncomfortable feelings while maintaining presence and connection with your partner builds relationship resilience. This ability to manage your own emotional state prevents external stressors from contaminating your relationship.

8. Taking your partner for granted kills connection

Over time, the law of familiarity sets in, and partners often stop showing appreciation for each other. They forget that their partner is "a gift, not a given." This lack of acknowledgment makes people feel unseen and unvalued in the relationship.

Maintaining basic manners and politeness is crucial even in long-term relationships. Simple expressions of gratitude like saying "thank you" or showing physical affection when your partner does something nice preserves the feeling of being valued. This appreciation needs to be consistent and genuine, not merely performative during special occasions.

9. Resentment is a primary relationship destroyer

Resentment builds when people don't speak their truth or when they have unrealistic expectations. Expecting a partner to intuitively know your feelings without communication creates an impossible standard that inevitably leads to disappointment and bitterness.

As resentment grows, it eventually leads to contempt, which research identifies as the most destructive force in relationships. The antidote involves honest communication, realistic expectations, and addressing issues promptly before they fester. Couples must create safe spaces where both partners can express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection.

10. Vulnerability and honesty create connection

Being vulnerable about your past, your struggles, and your needs early in relationships allows for genuine connection to form. This honesty lets both people assess compatibility before becoming chemically bonded through physical intimacy, which can cloud judgment.

Sharing your authentic self, including things you're not proud of, creates space for true acceptance. A partner who cannot accept your past is likely not right for you, as the past cannot be changed. This vulnerability distinguishes between intensity (fast, passionate, but often short-lived) and intimacy (slower, deeper, and more sustainable for long-term relationships).