The Dating Rules You Were Taught Are DESTROYING Your Love Life!

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Pastor Stephen Chandler's insights on relationships that will transform how you approach dating and marriage.

1. Vision precedes partnership

Having a clear vision for your life and relationships is essential before bringing someone else into the picture. Stephen emphasizes that you must first establish what your end destination looks like. This includes knowing what you want your life to look like financially, romantically, and communicatively.

Without this vision, you risk getting into relationships that take you on detours from your life's purpose. It's like building a puzzle without seeing the picture on the box—you need to know what you're trying to create before you start putting pieces together. A clear vision helps you identify a partner who fits into that picture rather than trying to force someone to fit.

2. Date with intention toward marriage

The only destination for dating should be marriage, according to Stephen. If marriage isn't your intention when dating, you'll likely get yourself into trouble. Dating someone without the possibility of marriage in mind is compared to a detour that delays reaching your life goals.

Stephen uses a career analogy: it would be like someone training to be a doctor but taking a three-year job at a construction firm. While there's nothing wrong with construction work, it doesn't move you toward your goal of being a physician. Similarly, spending years with someone you don't see as a potential spouse wastes valuable time that could be spent finding the right partner.

Time is your most valuable resource—you can always make more money, but you can never make more time. Every relationship you invest in takes a piece of your heart, regardless of whether you acknowledge it or not.

3. Sexual intimacy clouds judgment

Physical intimacy before marriage can impair your ability to make healthy relationship decisions. Stephen explains that sexual connection creates a chemical bond that often keeps people in relationships longer than they should stay, even when they recognize it's not right.

This intimacy creates a sense of responsibility toward the other person that blinds you to red and yellow flags. It delays your "exit parachute" because you feel more committed than you should at that stage. The pastor suggests a thought experiment: would you want to spend decades with this person if sex wasn't part of the equation?

Starting with physical compatibility can trap you at that level, making it harder to evaluate someone on deeper levels like shared vision, values, and conversational connection. Taking sex off the table can lead to more intentional dating and higher standards for potential partners.

4. Character vetting through community

Don't trust your own judgment about a potential partner's character—involve your trusted community. When infatuated, people often miss important character flaws or compatibility issues that friends or family might easily spot.

Stephen specifically recommends that men have trusted female friends evaluate women they're dating. Women can often spot concerning behaviors in other women that men might miss when blinded by attraction. This goes beyond physical appearance to observe how they interact with others, handle stress, and demonstrate their values.

Getting different perspectives helps identify potential issues early. Your community can provide objective insights about whether someone's values, behaviors, and goals truly align with yours, helping you avoid relationship mistakes before they happen.

5. Understanding yellow versus red flags

Yellow flags require investigation, while red flags signal that you should end the relationship immediately. Yellow flags might include issues like debt, which could be problematic but depends on context—student loans for education show different character than frivolous credit card debt.

Red flags are issues where the person shows zero interest in growth or improvement. Interestingly, Stephen points out that lack of emotion can be just as concerning as volatile emotions. Someone who cannot celebrate wins or express feelings might create just as many relationship challenges as someone with anger issues.

The key difference is willingness to grow. If someone acknowledges their issues and actively works to improve, that's promising. If they show no interest in development or change, that's a genuine red flag regardless of how attractive other aspects of the relationship might be.

6. Accept your partner as they are

You cannot and should not try to change the person you're dating. If you find yourself constantly pushing someone to live at a level they don't aspire to reach themselves, marriage will become a life sentence of dragging them somewhere they don't want to go.

Look for someone with a growth mindset—a person who already desires self-improvement and has their own motivation to develop. This doesn't mean they need to be perfect, but they should demonstrate an internal drive to become better rather than requiring external pressure from you.

Accepting someone means recognizing who they truly are and making a conscious choice to be with that person, not a future version you hope to create. If you cannot accept someone as they are today, you shouldn't enter a relationship expecting them to change.

7. Two life-defining decisions

There are two decisions that will define the rest of your life: what you do with God and who you choose to spend your life with. According to Stephen, these two decisions are difficult to undo once made and have far-reaching consequences.

Having God at the center of a relationship provides a foundation where both partners can find their identity, comfort, and peace. This allows them to enter the relationship not from a deficit but from a place of wholeness, enabling them to serve rather than just take.

However, shared faith alone isn't enough reason to marry someone. While spiritual alignment is important, it must be accompanied by emotional maturity, communication skills, and a shared vision. Many relationships with God at the center still struggle due to lack of necessary relationship skills and self-awareness.

8. Relationship timing and maturity

Stephen advocates for marrying younger rather than waiting until complete personal establishment. He compares marriage to retirement investing—the earlier you start, the more the compound interest pays off. This contradicts the common wisdom that people should wait until they're fully established.

From his perspective, the challenges of growth and maturity will exist whether you marry in your twenties, thirties, or forties. The advantage of marrying younger is going through those growth phases together, building a shared history and deeper connection along the way.

The key is having mentors and wise counsel to guide you through inevitable difficult seasons. Without this support system, couples often mistake normal relationship challenges for evidence they've made a wrong choice. Mentors can provide perspective, confirming when struggles are part of normal development or when intervention is needed.

9. Balancing achievement with relationship

A common mistake is pursuing achievements at the expense of relationships. Stephen shares his personal realization that pushing his wife toward goals she didn't set for herself was inappropriate. He was applying his achievement-oriented approach to their relationship rather than creating space for connection.

The pastor suggests that accomplishments lose much of their meaning when you have no one to share them with. Making moments and memories with your partner is as important as achieving goals. This balance becomes clearer when you realize that relationships give meaning to achievements, not the other way around.

Creating "memory dividends" through shared experiences provides emotional returns throughout your relationship. While pursuing goals is important, equal attention must be given to nurturing the relationship that makes those achievements meaningful.

10. Complementary roles in partnership

Effective relationships involve complementary roles where each partner contributes different strengths. While these roles aren't rigidly defined by gender, Stephen suggests men often naturally gravitate toward protection, provision, and vision-setting, while women often excel at nurturing and prophetic encouragement.

The concept of "submission" is reframed as "supporting the mission" of the partnership. This support looks different in various seasons—sometimes it means furthering your career to provide financially, other times it might mean stepping back from work to focus on family needs. What matters is mutual agreement about the mission.

Questions from a partner shouldn't be viewed as undermining authority but as attempts to fully understand and buy into the shared vision. Insecurity often causes people to interpret questions as challenges rather than as engagement with the partnership. True leadership welcomes input while maintaining clear direction.