The Success Expert: STOP Moving the Goalposts & Finally Say “I’ve Won”! | Simon Sinek
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Simon Sinek's conversation with Lewis Howes that could transform how you approach success, relationships, and personal fulfillment.
1. Stop moving the goalposts
Simon Sinek emphasizes the danger of constantly moving our success goalposts. When we achieve something, we often immediately set a new target rather than acknowledging our accomplishment. This creates a perpetual cycle of dissatisfaction where we never feel we've "won."
The constant goalpost-moving is particularly evident in how we think about achievements: "I'll feel good when I hit this goal post. Nope, move the goal post. I'll feel good if I make my second million, my third million, my fourth million, this many followers, that many followers." This endless pursuit leads to an inability to experience lasting satisfaction or contentment.
2. Friendship is more valuable than success
One of the most profound points Sinek makes is about the trade-off between success and friendship. Many people sacrifice friendships and meaningful relationships in pursuit of career advancement, only to discover profound loneliness when they achieve their goals.
According to Sinek, no successful person who sacrificed friendships for achievement ever looks back and says it was worth it. He cites examples of celebrated athletes like Michael Phelps and Andre Agassi who experienced depression after reaching the pinnacle of success because they had prioritized achievement over relationships. The void they felt couldn't be filled by medals or trophies.
3. Comparison is the thief of joy
Sinek quotes Theodore Roosevelt's famous saying that "comparison is the thief of joy." When we constantly compare ourselves to others, we can never be satisfied with what we have because there will always be someone with more success, wealth, or recognition.
The danger of comparison is that we can selectively choose metrics that make us feel either superior or inferior. For instance, Sinek notes that if he compared podcast audience numbers with Lewis Howes, he'd feel like a failure, but if he compared LinkedIn followers, he'd feel superior. This selective comparison exhausts us emotionally and prevents us from appreciating our own unique journey.
4. Understanding our neurochemistry can explain our behavior
Sinek provides a fascinating explanation of how different neurochemicals drive our behavior. Dopamine gives us a sense of achievement but quickly fades, pushing us to seek more. Endorphins mask physical pain to help us persevere. Both are "selfish" chemicals that don't require other people.
In contrast, oxytocin and serotonin are "prosocial" chemicals that involve others. Oxytocin comes from acts of kindness and physical touch, while serotonin comes from pride in accomplishment and recognition from others. Understanding these chemicals helps explain why pure achievement without social connection leaves us feeling empty despite our success.
5. The true purpose of business is contribution, not just profit
Sinek critiques Milton Friedman's theory that a business's sole responsibility is to maximize profit within legal bounds. He argues that this philosophy has led to a distorted form of capitalism that prioritizes shareholders over customers and employees.
The healthier approach, according to Sinek, is to view business like a car: "We don't buy cars simply so we can buy gas... The purpose of a car is to go somewhere." Similarly, a business should exist to contribute something valuable to society, with profit being the fuel that enables this contribution, not the end goal itself. When businesses focus exclusively on profits, they lose sight of their true purpose.
6. Compete to win, not for others to lose
There's a crucial distinction between competing to win and competing for others to lose. Sinek uses "The Great British Baking Show" as an example of healthy competition where contestants genuinely help each other succeed even while competing.
This principle applies to business, politics, and personal relationships. Seeking success without needing others to fail creates a more collaborative environment where everyone can thrive. Unfortunately, in many areas of modern life, we've shifted toward a zero-sum mentality where success is measured by others' failures rather than by our own achievements.
7. Leaders must protect their people, not sacrifice them
Drawing from anthropology, Sinek explains that humans evolved to allow "alphas" certain privileges (like higher salaries) with the deep-seated expectation that they would protect the group in times of danger. When leaders fail to uphold this social contract, it violates our fundamental understanding of leadership.
CEOs who lay off employees to protect their own bonuses fundamentally violate this social responsibility. True leaders should be willing to sacrifice their short-term interests for the survival of the group. The rising anti-capitalist and populist movements reflect widespread disillusionment with leadership that consistently places self-interest above group welfare.
8. Trust your gut but know your values first
Sinek emphasizes the importance of trusting your intuition but notes that your "gut" is actually your limbic brain where your values reside. Before you can effectively trust your gut, you need clarity about your personal values.
He shares a personal regret about disregarding his intuition and continuing a business relationship with someone untrustworthy because he doubted himself. This mistake taught him that self-doubt can override our internal guidance system. Developing confidence in your values enables you to make decisions that align with your authentic self.
9. Conflict resolution requires meeting emotions with emotions, not facts
One practical takeaway involves conflict resolution. Sinek advises never to "bring facts to an emotional gunfight." When someone is expressing emotions, responding with logical corrections or factual rebuttals only escalates the conflict.
Instead, he recommends "holding space" for the other person's emotions and allowing them to feel heard. This might mean listening to their "story" without correction, even if details seem inaccurate. The goal is to address the emotional content first, then address factual matters later when emotions have subsided. This approach recognizes that many conflicts aren't about the surface issue but deeper emotional needs.
10. Fame and fortune should be byproducts, not goals
In modern society, fame and fortune have become primary goals rather than unintended consequences of valuable contribution. Sinek observes that historically, people became famous or wealthy as a result of contributing something meaningful—like Marie Curie's scientific discoveries or Picasso's artistic innovations.
Today, many seek shortcuts to fame without meaningful contribution. This inverted approach leaves people feeling empty and dissatisfied. Sinek values having made an impact that outlives recognition—like introducing the concept of "why" into business vocabulary—more than receiving personal credit. This perspective shifts focus from external validation to lasting contribution.