5 Signs Of An Incompatible Relationship & 3 Signs You’ve Found "The One"

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' podcast that will transform how you view compatibility in relationships and help you determine if you're with "the one."

1. Questioning is normal and healthy

Everyone questions their relationship at some point, regardless of how long they've been together. This questioning is a natural part of any relationship and can be a valuable opportunity for growth. When you start to feel unsatisfied or notice something feels off, it's your intuition signaling that something needs attention.

These moments of doubt aren't necessarily signs to end the relationship but rather invitations to examine what you need and want. The way you and your partner respond to these questions often reveals more about your compatibility than the questions themselves. Healthy relationships use these moments to grow closer rather than drift apart.

2. People only change when they feel like it

One of the biggest relationship mistakes is trying to change your partner. According to Robbins, human beings are hardwired to resist external pressure to change. When you try to force someone to change, you actually create resistance and make change less likely to occur.

This resistance is not someone being difficult—it's basic human wiring. People need to feel in control of their own choices. Any change must feel like their idea, not something they're being pressured into. Understanding this principle is crucial for creating the conditions where positive change can happen naturally within a relationship.

3. Use the ABC loop for relationship issues

The ABC loop is a technique for addressing relationship concerns effectively. "A" stands for apologize and ask open-ended questions about how your partner feels. "B" means back off and observe their behavior without judgment or pressure. "C" involves complimenting small positive changes and modeling the behavior you want to see.

This approach creates space for your partner to reflect on their own behavior without feeling defensive. The key is removing pressure while still making your needs known. By modeling the change yourself, you make it appear both desirable and achievable. This method typically requires about three months of consistent application before you can determine if real change will occur.

4. Know your deal breakers

According to Robbins, a deal breaker is something about your partner that you cannot stop complaining about or accept. It's not about small annoyances but rather fundamental incompatibilities that affect your happiness and well-being. These might involve core values, life goals, or behaviors that consistently bring out the worst in you.

The crucial test is whether you can truly accept and love your partner exactly as they are without resentment. If you find yourself constantly wishing they would change in certain ways, that's a sign you may be facing a deal breaker. Recognizing these incompatibilities honestly is essential for making informed decisions about your relationship's future.

5. Most relationship issues (69%) are unresolvable

Research by relationship experts John and Julie Gottman shows that 69% of issues couples fight about are perpetual problems that will never be fully resolved. These include personality differences, communication styles, and habits that are deeply ingrained in who each person is. Understanding this reality helps set realistic expectations for relationship conflicts.

Instead of trying to eliminate these differences, successful couples learn to manage them and even find humor in them. What makes relationships work is not the absence of problems but rather how couples talk about and navigate their challenges together. The willingness to work through issues matters more than the issues themselves.

6. Avoid chasing potential

A major relationship mistake is falling in love with someone's potential rather than who they actually are. This happens when you focus on who your partner could become instead of accepting who they are right now. You might imagine them becoming more ambitious, changing their mind about having children, or adopting your values—all while ignoring their clearly stated preferences.

This pattern leads to frustration and disappointment for both partners. It's unfair to expect someone to become a different person to fulfill your needs. Real love means accepting your partner as they are today, not banking on who they might become tomorrow. If you find yourself making excuses or waiting for transformation, you're likely chasing potential.

7. Value alignment is crucial

Shared core values and life goals are essential foundations for lasting relationships. When partners want fundamentally different things—such as one wanting children while the other doesn't—no amount of love or compromise can bridge that gap. These differences inevitably lead to resentment if either person abandons their dreams for the relationship.

The responsibility for honoring your own values lies with you, not your partner. When you sacrifice important dreams or values to maintain a relationship, you might blame your partner, but the choice was ultimately yours. Recognizing early when values are misaligned saves both partners from years of trying to force compatibility where none exists.

8. Don't sacrifice the 80% for the 20%

Robbins describes the "80/20 rule" in relationships, where people often leave partners who have 80% of the important qualities (kindness, loyalty, shared values) in pursuit of the 20% (superficial traits like appearance or specific interests). This mistake leads people to chase excitement or perfection at the expense of substantive connection.

The 80% includes qualities that sustain relationships through life's challenges—respect, kindness, loyalty, and willingness to grow together. The 20% represents qualities that might seem exciting initially but don't provide a foundation for lasting partnership. Many people realize too late that what they thought was boring stability was actually the precious 80% they took for granted.

9. Behavior reveals truth

A person's behavior tells you everything you need to know about their priorities, values, and feelings toward you. Words can mislead, but consistent actions over time reveal the truth. When someone shows you who they are through their behavior, believe them rather than hoping they'll change.

Observing behavior without judgment gives you valuable information about compatibility. Notice patterns rather than isolated incidents. If someone consistently makes you feel unsupported, unheard, or unimportant through their actions, this reveals more than any promises or explanations. This honest assessment of behavior helps you make clear-eyed decisions about your relationship.

10. Your truth is your compass

Ultimately, you know deep down whether you're with the right person. Robbins emphasizes trusting your inner knowing when something feels off in a relationship. Fear of being alone or disappointing others often leads people to ignore this truth, but doing so prolongs inevitable pain and wastes precious time.

The right relationship should bring out your best self, not require you to shrink or constantly explain yourself. You should feel safe, supported, and able to be authentic. If these elements are missing, your discomfort is telling you something important. Listening to this truth isn't selfish—it honors both you and your partner by refusing to settle for an incompatible match.