Don’t Learn This Too Late：Make An Authentic Life Now, By Getting Real About The End
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' conversation with death doula Alua Arthur about how confronting mortality can transform how we live our most authentic lives.
1. Death as a teacher for authentic living
Death serves as our greatest teacher and advisor in life. When we contemplate our mortality, we gain clarity about who we've become and who we want to be. This perspective allows us to see how we're spending our time and whether we're pleased with our choices.
The awareness of our finite existence creates urgency and purpose. As Alua explains, "our deaths are practically begging us to live." By acknowledging that our time is limited, we can make more authentic choices aligned with our true values rather than external expectations.
2. The importance of discussing death openly
Many people avoid talking about death due to fear, discomfort, and the pain associated with it. However, refusing to discuss death doesn't prevent it from happening—it only leaves us unprepared. As Alua humorously points out, "talking about sex won't make you pregnant, and talking about death won't make you dead."
Open discussions about death help us process this inevitable reality. When we normalize these conversations, we can better prepare practically, emotionally, and spiritually. These discussions also allow us to express our wishes clearly to loved ones, reducing uncertainty and potential conflict later.
3. The role of a death doula
A death doula provides non-medical care and support for dying individuals and their support networks. They help people create comprehensive end-of-life plans, support those with terminal diagnoses in creating ideal deaths under the circumstances, and assist families in wrapping up affairs after death.
Death doulas offer emotional, logistical, practical, and spiritual support through the dying process. They can work with healthy individuals planning ahead, those with serious diagnoses not yet in hospice care, or collaborate with hospice teams to provide comprehensive support. Their role complements medical care by focusing on the human experience of dying.
4. Creating an end-of-life planning ritual
Alua recommends conducting an annual end-of-life review, preferably around your birthday. This practice acknowledges another year of life while recognizing mortality. During this review, consider practical matters like advance directives and life support preferences, but also reflect on deeper questions about how you've lived so far.
An enlightening exercise is to visualize your lifespan as a line, with birth at one end and death at the other. Place yourself on that line and consider: How far have you come? How much further might you go? What do you want to experience in your remaining time? This perspective helps conceptualize your life holistically and identify priorities for your future.
5. Supportive communication with the dying or grieving
When someone shares news about a terminal diagnosis or death, avoid platitudes like "it'll be okay" or "I know what you're going through." Instead, acknowledge when you don't know what to say: "I don't know what to say. This sounds really tough." Then validate their experience and ask open questions like "How are you feeling about this?"
The key is creating space for the person to have their own experience without imposing your perspective. Sometimes they may not want to discuss their illness or grief at all. Follow their lead and recognize that your presence and willingness to listen without judgment may be the most valuable support you can offer.
6. Common deathbed regrets
People's deathbed regrets typically center around how they spent their time and whether they lived authentically. Many regret living for others—parents, society, partners, children—rather than following their own truth. Others wish they had prioritized meaningful experiences over work or other obligations.
Another common regret involves relationships—specifically how people showed up (or didn't) for those they loved. Many regret not expressing love, gratitude, or forgiveness while they had the chance. This highlights three essential questions Alua suggests we ask ourselves: Who did I love? How did I love? Was I loved?
7. Planning meaningful funerals and memorials
Death rituals should authentically reflect who the person was rather than sanitizing or sanctifying them. When we make someone a saint after death, we marginalize the experiences of those who had complicated relationships with them. Telling the truth about who someone was—their strengths and limitations—allows everyone to process their grief honestly.
Meaningful memorials can take many forms. The podcast shares touching examples, including Ken's wife distributing his ashes in small canisters for loved ones to scatter worldwide and document with photos. These personalized rituals honor the deceased's unique impact and create lasting connections for those who remain.
8. Understanding grief as transformation
Grief doesn't disappear—it changes form. Even after years, memories of loved ones can evoke strong emotions. Alua still grieves her brother-in-law Peter nearly eleven years after his death, yet she's learned to live with this grief and find meaning through it.
Grief often becomes transformative, allowing a new version of ourselves to emerge. For Alua, Peter's death catalyzed her purpose as a death doula. Her grief, particularly her anger about how society handles death, became fuel for positive change. As she notes, "Grief can be useful. It's hard, but it can be useful."
9. Legacy beyond achievements
Our legacy isn't just about accomplishments or material possessions—it's primarily about who we are and how we affect others. Everyone leaves a legacy, regardless of their social status or prominence. The impact we have on others' lives often extends far beyond what we imagine.
The podcast shares a moving story about an unhoused man whose funeral drew 400 people because of his meaningful daily interactions with one woman who got coffee near his corner. Through her, his kindness touched countless lives. This demonstrates that our true legacy lies in how we make others feel and the ripple effects of our interactions.
10. Gratitude as a response to mortality
Confronting mortality can cultivate profound gratitude for life's experiences—both pleasant and painful. Alua hopes her final words will be "thank you" in recognition of life's preciousness. This attitude transforms how we approach each day, helping us appreciate ordinary moments and connections.
Gratitude for life's finite nature enhances our present experience. When we acknowledge that everything—joy, suffering, relationships, sensations—is temporary, we can engage more fully with each moment. This perspective doesn't eliminate fear of death but integrates it into a richer appreciation of life.