The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' relationship advice that could transform how you connect with your partner.
1. People only change when they feel like it
Change cannot be forced upon your partner. Mel emphasizes that people only change when they want to change and for themselves, not for others. When you pressure someone to change or grow in ways that align with your journey, it creates resistance rather than inspiring transformation.
This principle is illustrated through Chris's decision to stop drinking. He made this choice for himself, not because Mel asked him to. When partners feel pressured to change, they naturally resist. Give your partner space to come to their own conclusions and make their own decisions about personal growth. This approach respects their autonomy and creates room for authentic change.
2. Focus on your growth, not your partner's
The best thing you can do for your relationship is to invest in your own growth and happiness rather than obsessing over your partner's lack of growth. Mel suggests that when you become a better, happier version of yourself, you naturally bring that energy back to the relationship.
If you're feeling lost in your marriage or relationship, it's not a marriage problem but a "you" problem. Your purpose should be bettering yourself through improving your health, happiness, sleep, or learning something new. When you grow as an individual, your relationship benefits. This approach shifts the focus from blaming your partner for your unhappiness to taking responsibility for your own fulfillment.
3. Influence instead of force
While you cannot force someone to change, you can influence them through your own behavior. When one partner makes positive changes, it often inspires the other to reflect on their own habits. Every time Chris wakes up early or takes the dogs for a walk, Mel thinks she should do that too.
Your partner observes your growth and changes, even if they don't immediately follow suit. By consistently showing up for yourself and demonstrating the benefits of positive change, you create a ripple effect. This gentle influence respects your partner's autonomy while still encouraging growth in the relationship as a whole.
4. Recognize when compatibility becomes an issue
Growth disparities in relationships can eventually lead to questioning compatibility rather than commitment. Mel notes that there will come a point where you must ask yourself: "Can I be with someone who is exactly as they are and not willing to lean into life and grow?"
You'll know you've reached a fork in the road when you can no longer end your complaining about your partner's behavior. According to Mel's research, deal breakers are things that make you give up on your dreams and values. Most frustrations in relationships are just differences in priorities, not actual deal breakers. Being honest with yourself about whether you can accept your partner as they are is crucial for making decisions about your relationship's future.
5. Communication is essential for expectations
Unmet expectations often stem from a lack of clear communication. Mel admits that in instances where she felt disappointed by Chris, it was because she hadn't clearly communicated what she wanted or needed. Your partner cannot meet your expectations if they don't know what they are.
It's unfair to assume your partner should automatically know what you want. Taking responsibility for clearly articulating your needs and why they matter to you empowers your partner to meet those needs. This applies to everything from birthday celebrations to parenting decisions. The more specific you are about what you need, the easier it is for your partner to fulfill those expectations.
6. Outside pressure reveals internal cracks
External pressures from society or family cannot destroy a solid relationship. As Chris says, "A house divided cannot stand." If outside opinions are affecting your relationship, it indicates that you and your partner are not aligned on your values and priorities.
The solution is to get together and agree on what you value, your parenting style, and why these things matter to you. When you and your partner are united, external pressures cannot create division. This requires honest conversations about your values and how they align or differ, creating a foundation that can withstand outside influence.
7. Create dedicated time for connection
After significant life changes like having children or moving to a new city, couples often feel disconnected. Mel and Chris recommend carving out dedicated time each week to do something familiar or try something new together. This could be a dance class, therapy session, or exploring your new area.
The key is to hold this time sacred in your calendar—no phones, no children, no pets, just the two of you connecting. This isn't just about date nights but about creating consistent space to pause and check in with each other. Even a weekly 40-minute conversation about how you're both doing can strengthen your connection and prevent drifting apart during life transitions.
8. Claim personal space without guilt
Every person in a relationship needs personal space. Chris explains how he carved out 2-3 hours in the morning for himself without negotiating or taking time away from Mel. Similarly, he occasionally takes solo hikes to recharge. This isn't selfish—it's essential for maintaining individual identity.
The approach matters: identify what you need, communicate why you need it, and collaborate on when and how to make it work. Never expect your partner to read your mind about your need for space. When you respect yourself enough to articulate your needs and work together to fulfill them, both partners win. Personal space isn't about pulling away from the relationship but about bringing your best self to it.
9. Use "maybe" instead of "yes" or "no" with children
When dealing with parenting disagreements, using "maybe" instead of immediately saying "yes" or "no" creates space for parents to align their approaches. Mel realized this could prevent the common dynamic where one parent becomes the "yes" person and the other the "no" person, which children quickly learn to exploit.
Saying "maybe" acknowledges that you need to talk with your spouse first, allowing for that crucial three-minute conversation about the deeper issues at play. This strategy helps parents understand why they have different instinctive responses to their children's requests. It creates unity in parenting decisions and prevents children from seeking approval from the more permissive parent.
10. Co-create your relationship rather than imposing expectations
Many relationship conflicts stem from each partner expecting the other to do things their way based on their lived experiences. Instead, Mel suggests viewing your relationship as something you co-create together, taking the best from both of your backgrounds and creating something new.
Every day offers the opportunity to create a "second marriage with the same person" by approaching your relationship with fresh eyes. This perspective allows couples to learn from each other rather than trying to change each other. Understanding the deeper reasons behind your partner's preferences helps determine which issues deserve more weight. When partners lean into each other during conflicts rather than away, they discover opportunities for growth and deeper connection.