Your Guide to Better Sex, Intimacy, & Love From a World-Leading Sex Therapist

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin's conversation with Mel Robbins about creating greater intimacy, deepening connection, and enjoying more fulfilling sexual experiences with your partner.

1. Understanding different sex drive types

There are two types of sex drives: spontaneous and responsive. People with spontaneous desire feel mental interest first (thinking about sex) and then physical arousal follows. Those with responsive desire experience physical arousal first, followed by mental interest. About 85% of women have responsive desire, which means they may not think about sex often but can enjoy it once it begins.

Many people with responsive desire incorrectly believe they have "low desire." This creates a common dynamic where partners wait for each other to initiate. Understanding your and your partner's desire type helps navigate intimacy more effectively. The key insight is that responsive people need some physical stimulation before they become mentally interested in sex.

2. Connection outside the bedroom affects desire

Sexual connection doesn't exist in isolation. The level of connection felt with a partner throughout the day heavily impacts desire for intimacy at night. Many couples feel like "roommates" or "ships passing in the night," and this disconnection inevitably affects their sex life.

When partners feel connected, appreciated, and like teammates in daily life, they're more likely to desire physical intimacy. Sex actually creates more energy, time, and a sense of teamwork between partners. A strong intimate connection makes everything else in life feel more manageable and creates a positive cycle of connection.

3. Planning for intimacy is essential

Despite the cultural myth that sex should be spontaneous, planning for intimacy is not only normal but necessary. In new relationships, date nights are essentially scheduled sex—partners know they'll be intimate afterward. This scheduling continues throughout healthy relationships but in different forms.

The time of day matters significantly. Most couples mistakenly leave sex for the end of the day when they're exhausted. Having sex earlier in the evening or even before going out on a date night is more effective. Planning for intimacy isn't unromantic—it's a sign that partners prioritize each other and their connection.

4. Non-sexual touch builds connection

Many couples develop a "bristle response" where they tense up or recoil when their partner touches them. This happens because they've learned to associate any touch with a request for sex. Breaking this connection requires more non-sexual physical touch in the relationship.

Research shows specific timeframes for physical connection: a six-second kiss or a 20-30 second hug releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. These brief moments of connection take under a minute but significantly impact intimacy. Creating rituals like nightly make-out sessions (without necessarily leading to sex) can help restore playfulness and connection.

5. Changing how we initiate intimacy

The wording used to initiate intimacy significantly impacts how partners respond. Instead of asking "Do you want to have sex?", try asking "Are you open to being intimate?" or "Are you open to me trying to turn you on?" This small change removes pressure and creates space for connection.

When a partner initiates, it's normal not to be in the mood immediately, especially for those with responsive desire. Rather than having an automatic "no" response, consider whether you're open to creating space for intimacy to develop. Switching from an expectation of immediate desire to an openness to connect changes the dynamic entirely.

6. Creating transition rituals

Many couples struggle to switch from busy daily life to intimate connection. Transition rituals help bridge this gap, providing a buffer between work and intimacy. These rituals signal to your body and mind that you're shifting into a different mode of being together.

Simple activities like cooking dinner together, taking a bath, or a brief massage can serve as effective transition rituals. These don't need to be elaborate—even a few minutes of intentional connection can help partners land in the present moment with each other. Identifying specific transition rituals that work for your relationship is key to creating more opportunities for intimacy.

7. Prioritizing female pleasure

The way sex is typically portrayed prioritizes male pleasure, with female pleasure often considered secondary or more complicated. Female orgasm isn't more difficult than male orgasm—it simply requires appropriate stimulation. The clitoris, with 8,000-12,000 nerve endings, needs direct stimulation just as the penis does.

Most heterosexual sex emphasizes intercourse, which provides limited clitoral stimulation. From a nerve-ending perspective, intercourse for women is comparable to "playing with a man's balls"—it might feel good but isn't sufficient for orgasm. Equalizing the focus on pleasure for both partners creates more satisfying experiences and increases desire for future intimacy.

8. Sharing responsibility for intimacy

Many people want their partner to take complete responsibility for initiating and managing their sex life. This creates an imbalance similar to one partner handling all parenting duties. Both partners need to share the vulnerability of initiating and take responsibility for creating pleasure.

Couples should discuss specific ways each partner could feel more cared for during intimacy. Creating a "safe list" or "joy list" of activities that feel good helps partners understand how to please each other. When both people actively contribute to creating intimacy, the connection deepens and becomes more satisfying.

9. Communication breaks negative thought patterns

Without open communication about sex, partners often develop negative assumptions about each other's thoughts and feelings. Someone might wonder if their partner has lost interest or attraction when the issue is actually something entirely different. Breaking the silence prevents these spirals of negative thinking.

Most people feel uncomfortable talking about sex, but avoiding these conversations guarantees problems. Using resources like books, podcasts, or card games with questions about desire can make these discussions easier to initiate. Simply acknowledging dry spells or struggles with intimacy reassures partners that the connection remains important.

10. Understanding what makes sex worth having

Couples rarely discuss what makes sex meaningful to each of them. Asking questions like "How would you describe what great sex feels like?" or "What makes sex worth having?" reveals important insights. Partners often discover they value different aspects of intimacy—connection, playfulness, vulnerability, bliss, or safety.

These conversations help partners create more satisfying experiences tailored to what matters most to each person. For some, playfulness and laughter during intimacy might be most important. For others, deep emotional connection might be the priority. Understanding these preferences allows partners to intentionally create the specific type of intimate experiences that feel most fulfilling to both people.