The Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Logan Ury's dating advice on the Mel Robbins Podcast that will transform how you approach relationships in today's complex dating landscape.
1. Dating is a skill, not an innate ability
People are born knowing how to love, but not knowing how to date. This fundamental insight helps explain why many struggle with finding relationships despite their capacity for love. Dating requires practice, learning, and conscious development like any other skill.
Just as you don't wake up on your 50th birthday knowing how to cook French cuisine, you don't magically know how to date effectively as you age. When you acknowledge dating as a learnable skill, it becomes an area for potential growth rather than an inherent limitation. This perspective empowers people to improve their approach instead of feeling helpless.
2. Great relationships are built, not discovered
The idea that there's one perfect soulmate waiting to be found puts tremendous pressure on finding the "right" person. Instead, successful relationships require ongoing work, adaptability, and commitment from both partners regardless of how they initially met.
The search for a soulmate often leads to unrealistic expectations about relationships being effortless. Research shows only 11% of couples felt love at first sight, challenging the notion that successful relationships begin with immediate chemistry. When you understand that relationships require building, you can focus on developing connection rather than endlessly searching for a mythical perfect match.
3. Dating apps aren't the problem, dating is inherently challenging
Many frustrations attributed to dating apps—ghosting, rejection, difficulty finding compatibility—existed long before technology. Apps have simply given these age-old challenges new terminology and visibility. Understanding this distinction helps prevent misplacing blame on the technology.
Dating apps have actually expanded access to potential partners beyond immediate social circles, which is especially valuable for those in "thin dating markets" like rural areas, LGBTQ+ communities, or older demographics. The fundamental difficulties of putting yourself out there, facing rejection, and building connection remain constant regardless of whether you meet online or in person.
4. Restrictive filters drastically limit potential matches
The way users set app filters acts like a "bouncer" for their dating pool, often eliminating compatible matches based on arbitrary criteria. Expanding filter parameters for age, height, distance, and other superficial factors can significantly increase opportunities to connect with compatible people.
Many users set strict filters without considering the statistical impact. For example, women who filter for men over six feet tall eliminate 86% of potential matches. In real-world scenarios, people frequently connect with those they might have filtered out online. Being more flexible with initial parameters allows for discovering compatibility with people who might not fit preconceived specifications.
5. Being in the driver's seat reduces dating burnout
Taking an active role in pursuing potential matches leads to less burnout than passively waiting to be chosen. This means sending the first message, making comments rather than just liking profiles, and being willing to initiate rather than only responding to others' interest.
This approach mirrors success in other areas of life—no one finds their dream job by only responding to recruiters who contact them first. Studies show that people who take initiative in their dating lives feel more in control and experience less frustration. Shifting from a passive to an active mindset empowers daters and leads to more satisfying experiences regardless of immediate outcomes.
6. The spark is often misleading
Overvaluing immediate chemistry or "the spark" leads to missed opportunities with potentially great partners. The three myths of the spark are: that it can't grow if not present initially, that feeling it is always good, and that its presence guarantees relationship viability.
Some people naturally create spark with everyone they meet—it's more about their personality than a unique connection. Meanwhile, many excellent potential partners may take longer to reveal their qualities. Rather than chasing the dramatic intensity of immediate attraction, consider the value of the "slow burn"—connections that develop gradually with consistent, reliable people who might make better long-term partners.
7. Understand your dating tendency
People typically fall into three dating tendencies that shape their approach: romanticizers seek perfect soulmates and abandon relationships when challenges arise; maximizers constantly search for better options; and hesitators delay dating due to perfectionism. Identifying your tendency is crucial for making better choices.
Romanticizers benefit from developing a "work it out mindset" that accepts relationships require effort. Maximizers should adopt a "satisfier" approach—setting high standards but choosing someone who meets them rather than endlessly searching. Hesitators need to start before they feel ready, setting deadlines for themselves and recognizing that dating improves with practice, not preparation.
8. Vulnerability creates connection
Many people avoid dating because they believe certain aspects of their lives make them "undatable"—past traumas, health conditions, or life circumstances. Yet vulnerability is precisely what creates human connection. Developing a narrative about your challenges shows ownership of your story.
Fear of rejection often prevents people from even starting the dating process. They disqualify themselves rather than letting others decide. Acknowledging that everyone has "baggage" allows for authentic connections. As one expert puts it: "I'm not asking for your permission to be here. I have baggage, you have baggage. Your baggage makes me feel safe."
9. Move from relation shopping to relationshiping
Many daters approach relationships like shopping for products—creating checklists of desired traits and filtering accordingly. This "relation shopping" mindset fails because people are more than collections of attributes. The dynamic between two people can't be predicted by specifications.
A better approach is "relationshiping"—focusing on how someone makes you feel and what sides of you they bring out. This requires shifting from a checklist mentality to an experiential one. Ask yourself questions like: How do I feel in their presence? What aspects of myself emerge when I'm with them? These questions reveal compatibility better than matching on paper criteria.
10. Make first dates more engaging with deeper conversation
Standard "press play" first date conversations—exchanging basic biographical information—lead to boredom and burnout. Better approaches include starting conversations "in media res" (in the middle of things), sharing opinions or "hot takes," and asking for advice on real situations.
These techniques create memorable interactions by skipping predictable small talk. Asking for advice reveals how someone thinks and whether they can listen and empathize. Sharing more meaningful conversation topics helps determine true compatibility beyond surface-level traits. This approach transforms dating from a tedious interview process into an opportunity for genuine connection.