How to Get What You Want Every Time: 3 Steps to Negotiate Anything With Anyone

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Kwame Christian's masterclass on navigating difficult conversations that will transform how you approach conflict and get what you want in life.

1. The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations

Most people spend their lives avoiding tough conversations, but this avoidance prevents them from accessing better relationships, career opportunities, and personal growth. The conversations we fear most often hold the key to what we want most. When we consistently avoid difficult discussions, we remain stuck in situations that don't serve us.

These conversations aren't just about external conflicts with others. They're about internal growth and self-respect. By learning to navigate challenging discussions, we position ourselves to live the best version of our lives. Each difficult conversation is practice for building confidence and improving our ability to advocate for ourselves.

2. The first difficult conversation you must have is with yourself

Before addressing conflicts with others, you need to understand what's happening internally. Most people focus entirely on the external conversation while ignoring the internal negotiation that determines their confidence and approach. This internal dialogue shapes whether you'll speak up or stay silent.

The internal conversation involves recognizing your emotions, understanding why you're avoiding the discussion, and deciding what you truly want. You must identify what's holding you back—fear, anxiety, self-doubt, or overthinking. This self-awareness creates the foundation for having effective external conversations.

Without this internal work, you'll continue making silent compromises that erode your self-respect. The goal is to honor your emotions while thinking strategically about long-term outcomes rather than short-term comfort.

3. Being respected is more important than being liked

People pleasers often sacrifice respect for likability, but this creates an unsustainable dynamic. When you prioritize being liked above all else, you make constant compromises that diminish your self-worth. Others may appreciate your agreeableness, but they won't necessarily respect you.

Respect begins with self-respect. When you consistently avoid standing up for yourself, you send a message that your needs and boundaries don't matter. This pattern teaches others to treat you as less important than their comfort or preferences.

The shift from seeking likability to earning respect requires engaging with conflict when necessary. This doesn't mean being aggressive or combative. It means being willing to have uncomfortable conversations when your values, needs, or boundaries are at stake.

4. Negotiation is simply any conversation where someone wants something

This definition removes the intimidation factor from negotiation by making it accessible and relevant to daily life. Whether you're asking your roommate to be quieter, requesting a raise, or working through relationship issues, you're negotiating. The formal business context is just one application of these universal communication skills.

Similarly, conflict is just any conversation where you want something and there's emotion involved—either your nervousness or someone else's attitude. This reframing helps you see that most interpersonal challenges are actually negotiation opportunities. You don't need special training or expertise to apply these principles.

Understanding this broader definition empowers you to approach everyday situations with more confidence. Instead of avoiding conversations because they feel confrontational, you can recognize them as normal parts of human interaction that can be managed skillfully.

5. Emotions are not the enemy—they tell you what matters most

Rather than trying to eliminate emotions from difficult conversations, you should use them as information. Your emotional responses indicate what's truly important to you and where your boundaries are being crossed. Anger often masks deeper feelings like disappointment, disrespect, or hurt that reveal your core values.

The key is learning to manage emotions rather than suppress them. When you're highly emotional, your amygdala takes over and prevents clear thinking. The frontal lobe, responsible for logical reasoning and executive function, can't operate effectively when emotions are running high.

By acknowledging and labeling your emotions, you activate the frontal lobe and regain your ability to think clearly. This "name it to tame it" approach helps you move from reactive to responsive mode, allowing you to engage more effectively in the conversation.

6. The compassionate curiosity framework provides a roadmap for difficult conversations

This three-step approach works both internally and externally. First, acknowledge and validate emotions—your own and others'. Second, get curious with compassion by asking open-ended questions to understand different perspectives. Third, engage in joint problem-solving where you work together rather than against each other.

The framework is ethical because you use the same approach on yourself that you use with others. There's no manipulation or trickery involved. You're simply creating conditions for better communication by managing emotions and fostering understanding.

This approach transforms conversations from adversarial battles into collaborative problem-solving sessions. Instead of trying to win or prove you're right, you focus on finding solutions that work for everyone involved.

7. Questions do the work in difficult conversations

When you don't know what to say next, ask a question. Open-ended questions shift the dynamic from confrontational to curious. They give you time to think while gathering valuable information about the other person's perspective and motivations.

Questions also prevent you from making assumptions about others' intentions or feelings. What seems obvious to you may not be obvious to them. By asking rather than assuming, you avoid unnecessary conflicts and discover opportunities for mutual understanding.

Strategic questions can help people see situations from different angles without making them feel attacked. Instead of telling someone they're wrong, you can ask hypothetical questions that help them consider alternative perspectives naturally.

8. Start difficult conversations with situation, impact, invitation

This framework provides a non-threatening way to initiate challenging discussions. Describe the situation using "naked facts"—objective observations stripped of interpretation, judgment, or opinion. Then explain the personal impact on you, which others cannot deny or argue with. Finally, invite collaboration to find a solution.

This approach avoids accusations and blame while clearly communicating your experience. By focusing on facts and personal impact rather than character judgments, you reduce defensiveness and create space for productive dialogue. The invitation element frames the conversation as collaborative rather than confrontational.

The key is personalizing the impact rather than making general statements. Others can dispute general claims, but they cannot argue with your personal experience or feelings.

9. Most relationship conflicts are actually relationship tests

When you avoid addressing issues that bother you, you miss opportunities to strengthen or clarify relationships. The other person's response to your concerns reveals important information about their character and your compatibility. Sometimes their reaction confirms the need for boundaries or even ending the relationship.

Living in fear of someone's potential reaction often means the relationship dynamic needs to change anyway. If you can't have honest conversations with someone, the relationship lacks the foundation for genuine intimacy and mutual respect. Avoiding the conversation doesn't preserve the relationship—it preserves a false version of it.

These tests aren't about creating conflict for its own sake. They're about discovering whether relationships can evolve to meet your needs and whether other people are willing to treat you with respect when issues arise.

10. Preparation months in advance is crucial for workplace negotiations

Successful salary and promotion negotiations require laying groundwork well before making requests. Start by asking your manager for performance feedback and documenting areas for improvement. Follow up months later to demonstrate progress and ask what's needed for advancement.

This approach builds a clear case for promotion based on demonstrated growth and achievement. Instead of surprising your manager with unexpected requests, you create a collaborative process where expectations are clear and progress is measurable. Both parties understand the criteria for success.

The preparation phase also shows initiative and commitment to professional development. Managers appreciate employees who take ownership of their growth rather than expecting automatic advancement based solely on tenure or general good performance.