How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Jefferson Fisher's interview on handling difficult people and reclaiming your peace and power.
1. Difficult people are seeking connection
When dealing with difficult personalities, understand that they're often difficult because of underlying fears, insecurities, or needs. Instead of viewing interactions as conflicts, see them as bids for connection. The person wants to feel heard and understood, even if their approach is counterproductive.
Recognizing this shift in perspective immediately lowers the intensity of interactions. When you view challenging behavior as a person's attempt to be understood rather than as an attack, you can respond with more patience and empathy. This mindset helps create space for meaningful dialogue instead of escalating confrontation.
2. You don't have to respond to everything
Just because someone says something provocative doesn't mean you have to respond. Jefferson describes this as "not swinging at every pitch." Nobody can make you say anything you don't want to say, and recognizing this gives you power in difficult interactions.
Choosing which comments deserve a response is an essential skill. Difficult people often try to provoke reactions, and by selectively engaging, you maintain control of the conversation. This selective response approach prevents you from being pulled into unnecessary arguments or emotional reactions that drain your energy.
3. Lower your voice when they raise theirs
When someone gets louder or more aggressive, respond by speaking more softly and slowly. This technique immediately shifts the dynamic of the conversation. The person who remains calm appears more in control while the person yelling seems extreme.
This approach works because people naturally adjust to match the energy of a conversation. When you deliberately lower your voice, the other person will often begin to mirror your calmer tone. This creates a de-escalation effect that can transform a potentially explosive situation into a manageable discussion.
4. Separate the person from their behavior
Remember that the person you see is often not the person you're talking to. Behind difficult behavior are usually personal struggles, stresses, or challenges that have nothing to do with you. Understanding this helps you respond with compassion rather than defensiveness.
Jefferson shares an example of a hostile witness who later revealed he was struggling with putting his mother in assisted living. This perspective reminds us that difficult behavior is often a symptom of something deeper. By recognizing this, you can avoid taking hostility personally and maintain a more objective and effective approach to communication.
5. Use breath to control your emotions
Your physiological state profoundly influences how you communicate. When threatened or challenged, the body tenses up, breathing becomes shallow, and you're more likely to speak loudly or yell. Consciously taking what Jefferson calls a "conversational breath" before responding gives you more control.
This breathing technique works because it interrupts the body's stress response. By focusing on your breath, you create space between trigger and response. This small pause allows you to choose your words more carefully and maintain composure even in heated situations.
Understanding that you can only control your own responses, not others' actions, is liberating. This awareness puts you in the driver's seat of each interaction.
6. Ask "is this something we have to agree on?"
Many arguments, especially in close relationships, stem from small disagreements that unnecessarily escalate. Simply asking, "Is this something we have to agree on?" or adding "right now?" can immediately defuse tension and provide perspective.
This question works by creating a moment of reflection that separates emotional reactions from practical needs. Often, the answer is no – complete agreement isn't necessary. This realization helps both parties step back from pointless arguments and preserve the relationship.
The timing element is particularly powerful. By asking if agreement is needed "right now," you acknowledge that some discussions might be better had later when emotions aren't running high. This gives everyone space to process their thoughts more effectively.
7. Respond to belittlement by making them repeat it
When someone makes a belittling comment, ask them to repeat what they said. This technique works because it denies them the immediate reaction they're seeking and puts the spotlight back on their inappropriate behavior.
Most people will become uncomfortable when asked to repeat something hurtful or disrespectful. The request forces them to confront their own words and intentions. You can enhance this technique by directly asking about their intent: "Did you say that to hurt me?" or "Were you trying to embarrass me?" This often leads to backtracking.
The power of this approach lies in how it shifts accountability. Instead of you feeling embarrassed or hurt, the person who made the comment must now justify their behavior. This reversal of dynamics discourages future belittling comments.
8. Use "I remember things differently" to counter gaslighting
When dealing with someone who's trying to manipulate your perception of reality, the simple phrase "I remember things differently" is powerful. It allows you to stand firm in your truth without being drawn into circular arguments or detailed timelines designed to confuse.
This phrase works because it's a statement of personal perspective that can't be argued with. It doesn't accuse the other person of lying, which would escalate conflict, but it also doesn't concede to their version of events. The phrase can be repeated as many times as necessary, creating a boundary that prevents manipulation.
Jefferson explains that gaslighting works by trying to make you move in many directions away from the truth. By standing still with "I remember things differently," you refuse to participate in that game. This steadfastness often frustrates attempts at manipulation.
9. Manage narcissistic personalities with distance and neutrality
When dealing with narcissistic tendencies, understand their game of "praise or provoke." If you're not providing praise, they'll often provoke an argument because both give them equal satisfaction and a sense of control. The key is recognizing when you're being drawn into their game.
Create distance by not engaging in rapid-fire exchanges. There's no rule that you must respond immediately to texts or emails. Waiting until you're calm and ready puts you in control of the interaction. This temporal distance disrupts their ability to manipulate your emotions.
Keep responses neutral and brief with phrases like "noted," "got it," or "I understand." These boring responses give them nothing to feed on. Detailed explanations only provide material for them to twist and use against you. With narcissistic personalities, less communication is almost always better.
10. Be a safe space for genuine emotions
When someone you care about is in a bad mood or upset, approach with the understanding that everyone needs a space where they can be authentically themselves – even when that includes negative emotions. If you reject or try to fix their mood, you teach them not to come to you with real feelings.
Creating this safe space requires patience and acceptance. Instead of assuming they're upset or asking leading questions, try open approaches like "How are you feeling?" This gives them room to express themselves without feeling judged or analyzed.
For relationships to thrive, people need to trust that they can bring their whole selves – including the grumpy, frustrated, or sad parts. By accepting these emotions without taking them personally, you strengthen connections and build deeper trust. This approach honors the complexity of human feelings without trying to control or change them.