Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Dr. Stuart Ablon's groundbreaking approach to addressing challenging behavior and transforming family dynamics that could revolutionize your relationships.
1. People do well if they can
Dr. Stuart Ablon introduces this fundamental philosophy that forms the foundation of his approach to challenging behavior. This simple statement represents a powerful mindset shift away from the common belief that "people do well if they want to." When we believe people do well if they can, we recognize that if someone isn't doing well, it's not because they lack motivation but because something else is getting in their way.
This perspective applies to everyone - children, teenagers, spouses, colleagues, and even elderly parents. Dr. Ablon emphasizes that in his 30 years of experience, he's never met anyone who prefers doing poorly to doing well. Everyone genuinely wants to succeed and have healthy relationships. This philosophy creates space for empathy and collaboration rather than judgment and control.
2. Challenging behavior stems from lacking skills, not motivation
Research in neuroscience over the past 50 years has consistently shown that people who struggle with behavior don't lack the will to behave well - they lack specific skills. Dr. Ablon explains that when we misidentify skill deficits as motivation problems, we respond with pressure and consequences that actually make matters worse. This approach often damages self-esteem and reinforces negative self-perception.
For example, Dr. Ablon shares a heartbreaking letter from a young girl who wrote: "My brain is idiotic. I make stupid mistakes. I mess everything up." This child was clearly motivated to do better but lacked the necessary skills. By treating her challenges as a motivation issue through sticker charts and rewards, adults were unintentionally reinforcing her belief that she wasn't trying hard enough, when in reality she was trying harder than anyone.
3. The helping relationship is the most reliable predictor of change
Dr. Ablon identifies the degree of helping relationship between helper and helpee as the single most powerful predictor of behavior change. He defines this helping relationship as "a collaboration born of empathy, of understanding, of non-judgmental acceptance." This finding holds true across therapeutic settings, schools, and other environments where behavior change is the goal.
When we approach others with genuine curiosity and a desire to understand their perspective, we establish the foundation for meaningful change. The helping relationship creates safety for vulnerability and growth. This contrasts sharply with approaches based on control or power, which tend to create resistance and resentment. By focusing on building this relationship first, we dramatically increase our chances of facilitating positive change.
4. There are five key skill areas that affect behavior
Dr. Ablon identifies five specific neurocognitive skill areas that, when underdeveloped, can lead to challenging behavior. The first is language and communication skills - the ability to identify what's bothering you, express it verbally, and engage in problem-solving conversation. The second is attention and working memory skills, including the ability to focus on less interesting tasks and juggle multiple pieces of information when solving problems.
The third area is emotion and self-regulation skills, especially impulse control. The fourth is cognitive flexibility - the ability to think in shades of gray rather than black and white, and to adapt to changes and uncertainty. The fifth area encompasses social thinking skills, from basic conversation skills to more complex abilities like understanding how you come across to others and taking others' perspectives. These skill deficits can occur at any age and aren't related to intelligence.
5. Trauma and chronic stress delay skill development
When we experience trauma or chronic toxic stress, especially in childhood, it changes the brain and delays the development of crucial skills. Dr. Ablon explains that this is one of the clearest findings from brain imaging research. This helps explain why children from challenging backgrounds often exhibit more behavioral difficulties - their experiences have directly impacted skill development in the five key areas.
This creates a devastating cycle: trauma leads to skill deficits, which lead to challenging behavior, which is often met with punitive responses, creating more stress and further inhibiting skill development. Understanding this cycle helps us respond with compassion rather than punishment. It also explains why many adults continue to struggle with these skills if they experienced significant trauma or stress during their developmental years.
6. External rewards decrease internal motivation
Research has consistently shown that using external motivators (rewards and punishments) to encourage behavior actually decreases internal drive. Dr. Ablon emphasizes that this isn't a small correlation but a strong negative one - the more we use external reinforcers, the less internal motivation develops. Instead of becoming motivated to achieve the desired goal, people become motivated to get the reward.
This effect applies to both children and adults. It explains why traditional approaches like sticker charts or behavior management systems often fail in the long run. External rewards can also lead to unethical behavior as people focus on getting the reward rather than internalizing the value of the behavior itself. This research challenges many common parenting and management practices that rely heavily on rewards and consequences.
7. There are three approaches to problems: Plan A, B, and C
Dr. Ablon presents a simple framework for addressing problems with others. Plan A involves imposing your will through power, control, rewards, or consequences. Plan B is collaborative problem-solving, where you work together to find solutions that address everyone's concerns. Plan C means deciding to drop the issue for now and perhaps returning to it later when conditions are more favorable.
Each plan has its place, but Dr. Ablon emphasizes that Plan B is the only approach that builds the helping relationship and develops skills. When we collaborate rather than control, we create opportunities for skill-building through real-life problem solving. The key is making a conscious choice about which plan to use rather than defaulting to Plan A out of frustration or habit.
8. Empathy is the foundation of effective collaboration
The first and most crucial ingredient in collaborative problem-solving is empathy - genuinely trying to understand the other person's perspective. Dr. Ablon clarifies that true empathy goes beyond expressing care; it requires active effort to understand someone else's point of view. He identifies four specific behaviors that characterize effective empathy: asking questions, making educated guesses, reflective listening, and offering reassurance.
Empathy serves as a powerful regulator, physically calming the other person and making them more receptive to collaboration. It literally changes physiological responses like blood pressure, skin conductance, and heart rate. This regulation is necessary before any problem-solving can occur. As Dr. Ablon puts it, "You have to regulate a child before they're going to be able to relate to you, before you can reason with them."
9. The brain processes information in a specific sequence
Dr. Ablon explains that our brains process information in a specific order: regulate, relate, reason. Information doesn't hit the "smart part" of our brain first - it starts at the lower, emotional regions. This neurological reality underlies the three-step approach to collaborative problem-solving: first help the person regulate through empathy, then relate by sharing your perspective, and finally reason together to find solutions.
This sequence maps directly to brain function and explains why traditional approaches often fail. When we jump straight to reasoning or solutions with someone who is emotionally dysregulated, the information can't be processed effectively. If at any point during the conversation the person becomes upset or shuts down, we need to return to the regulation step before proceeding. Understanding this brain-based sequence helps us communicate more effectively in challenging situations.
10. Changing family patterns requires skill-building, not just good intentions
Breaking generational patterns requires more than just wanting to do better than our parents did. Dr. Ablon suggests that true change comes from developing the skills we may not have learned growing up. He uses the example of NFL player Dez Bryant, who expressed his commitment to giving his children the emotional support he never received. While Bryant's intention is powerful, Dr. Ablon adds that fully breaking the cycle also requires forgiving his parents by understanding they were doing the best they could with the skills they had.
This perspective helps us extend the "people do well if they can" philosophy to ourselves and our own parents. Rather than carrying guilt or resentment, we can focus on building the skills we need to handle challenging situations better. This compassionate approach allows us to acknowledge harm without excusing it, and to move forward with awareness rather than repeating old patterns. Dr. Ablon emphasizes that skills can always be improved, giving us hope for positive change no matter our starting point.