To Anyone Going Through a Breakup：How to Heal a Broken Heart & Move On
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' podcast on healing from heartbreak that will help you move through your breakup with greater understanding and find your strength again.
1. Breakups are a neurological and physiological process
When you go through a breakup, you're experiencing more than just emotional pain. You're literally going through a neurological and physiological process of untangling yourself from another person. Your nervous system becomes intertwined with theirs during a relationship. Your brain develops patterns and pathways involving them.
After a breakup, your body and mind must undergo the difficult process of unwiring these connections. This explains why you constantly think about them, why you want to reach out, and why the pain feels so physical. Understanding this can help you have more compassion for yourself during this difficult time. It's not just sadness—it's your brain and body learning to function differently.
2. No contact for 30 days is essential
Implementing a strict no-contact rule for at least 30 days is critical to begin healing properly. This means no calls, no texts, no social media stalking, and especially no listening to their voice messages or watching videos of them. Their voice is particularly triggering to your nervous system and can set back your healing process significantly.
This rule helps create the space needed for your nervous system to begin unwiring those deep connections. While incredibly difficult to follow, this boundary allows you to start processing the breakup without constantly reactivating your attachment. Every time you make contact, you essentially restart the clock on your healing process. The 30-day period gives you something concrete to work toward and helps build resilience.
3. Processing grief takes about three months
Research shows that it takes approximately three months to properly grieve a breakup, with most people (71%) feeling significantly better by the 11-week mark. Understanding this timeline gives you a concrete milestone to look toward. This knowledge can provide comfort when you're in the depths of heartbreak, knowing there is an end in sight.
This three-month period is when the intense processing work happens. During this time, you're unlearning patterns and adjusting to life without this person. The sadness and pain you feel during this period are normal, healthy responses to loss. It's important not to rush yourself through this process or expect to feel better overnight. Give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions that come with grieving.
4. Remove environmental triggers
To support your healing, remove everything from your environment that triggers thoughts of your ex. This includes photos, gifts, clothing items, and even playlists you shared. Put these items away in a box—you don't need to destroy them, just get them out of your daily line of sight.
These physical reminders activate your nervous system and make the processing more difficult. Your environment plays a crucial role in either supporting your healing or keeping you stuck. If you find it too difficult to pack these items away yourself, ask a friend or family member to help. Every trigger you remove creates space for new patterns and habits to form in your life.
5. The fantasy keeps you stuck
One of the biggest obstacles to healing is holding onto fantasies about your ex. These might include imagining getting back together in the future, picturing running into them years later, or fantasizing about the life you would have had. These fantasies keep you emotionally tethered to someone who's no longer in your life.
Letting go of these fantasies is perhaps the hardest but most necessary step in truly moving on. When you cling to these imagined futures, you prevent yourself from accepting reality and building a new life. The fantasy serves as an emotional anchor, keeping you tied to the past instead of moving forward. Recognizing when you're indulging in these thoughts is the first step to releasing them and truly accepting the breakup.
6. "Let them" is a powerful mantra
The mantra "let them" can be transformative during a breakup. Let them date other people. Let them move on. Let them not text you back. This phrase acknowledges that you cannot control another person's thoughts, feelings, or actions. It helps shift your focus away from what you can't control toward what you can.
When you catch yourself obsessing over your ex's choices or behavior, saying "let them" reminds you to release that mental grip. This powerful mindset shift is liberating. It helps you reclaim your energy and attention for yourself rather than wasting it on someone who's no longer in your relationship. Combining "let them" with "let me" creates a complete practice—let them make their choices, and let me make mine.
7. Processing is different from supporting yourself
There's an important distinction between processing a breakup and actively supporting yourself through it. Processing involves feeling the emotions, grieving the relationship, and allowing yourself to experience the pain. This is necessary work, but it's different from the actionable steps you take to care for yourself during this time.
Supporting yourself includes practical actions like the 30-day no-contact rule, removing triggers from your environment, filling your calendar with activities, and connecting with friends. Both aspects are crucial to healing. Many people struggle because they collapse these two distinct processes into one, leading to confusion about how to move forward. Recognizing this difference helps you approach your healing more effectively.
8. Fill your calendar with activities
An essential strategy for healing is to fill your calendar with events and activities to look forward to. This gives you a reason to get out of bed and creates structure during a chaotic emotional time. Look for events in your area, classes you've been interested in taking, or plan visits with friends.
Having plans prevents you from feeling like a "depressed loser" with nothing to do but ruminate on your breakup. These activities help you step back into life and rediscover parts of yourself outside the relationship. They don't need to be elaborate—simple outings with friends, walks in nature, or community events can make a significant difference. The key is having things to anticipate that have nothing to do with your ex.
9. Consider what you'd do if your future partner was just around the corner
Ask yourself this powerful question: "If you knew the love of your life was around the corner and this breakup was bringing you one step closer to meeting them, how would you spend your nights and weekends while you're single?" This reframes your breakup as a transition rather than an ending.
This perspective shift helps combat the fear of being forever alone that often accompanies breakups. It encourages you to live more fully and authentically in the present moment rather than clinging to the past or obsessing about an uncertain future. When you imagine your future partner is coming, you're more likely to invest in yourself, try new things, and show up as your best self—all of which accelerates healing and personal growth.
10. Love is about consideration and admiration, not just chemistry
True love is built on consideration and admiration rather than just chemistry or attraction. Consideration means keeping someone in mind and showing them care through daily actions. Admiration is seeing qualities in someone that you deeply respect and value. This deeper understanding of love helps put the intense "spark" of early attraction into proper perspective.
Only about 11% of successful relationships begin with an intense spark—most are slow burns that develop over time. This insight is crucial when starting to date again after a breakup. Instead of chasing the high of instant attraction, focus on connections that have the potential to grow into something meaningful.
These foundations of consideration and admiration are what sustain relationships through challenges. By redefining what love means, you can make healthier choices in future relationships rather than repeating patterns that led to heartbreak.