It’s Not You: The Real Reason Adult Friendship Is So Hard & 3 Ways to Make It Easier

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' conversation with friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson that will transform how you understand female friendships.

1. The three affinities of female friendship

Female friendships are built on three essential elements that Danielle Bayard Jackson identifies as the "three affinities." These are symmetry, support, and secrecy. When these elements are present, friendships thrive; when they're missing, conflict emerges.

Symmetry refers to feelings of sameness, balance, and reciprocity between friends. Women value feeling equal to their friends and often bond through similarities. When this symmetry shifts—perhaps due to different life paths or perceived inequality—tension arises. Support represents the emotional backing women expect from friendships, which is considered the number one thing women look for in same-sex friendships. The challenge here is that women often don't clearly articulate what support looks like to them.

Secrecy isn't about literal secrets but about mutual self-disclosure in a private space. This "vault" of sharing is the glue of women's friendships. When one friend shares less or shares outside this private space, the other may question the closeness of the relationship. Understanding these three affinities helps women identify the source of tension in their friendships and provides a framework for healthier connections.

2. Women's and men's friendships differ fundamentally

Research shows distinct differences between how women and men approach friendships. Women's friendships tend to be deeper, more intimate, and often dyadic (one-to-one), while men's friendships typically occur in larger groups that offer more anonymity.

Women integrate friends into their lives "to the degree of a sibling," whereas men integrate friends "to the degree of a cousin." This explains why women's friendships can feel more intense and why conflicts may feel more personal. Women's conversations often center on personal topics like mental health and family, while men more frequently discuss external topics like current events and sports.

These differences help explain why women's friendships can feel more fraught with drama. The deeper integration and higher expectations create more opportunities for friction. This isn't because women are "petty" or "dramatic," but because their friendships involve closer connections and therefore more vulnerability.

3. Female friendships dissolve faster but it's not a flaw

Research indicates that girls and women have more "former friendships" than boys and men do. This isn't because women are more dramatic or petty, but because their friendships tend to be deeper and more integrated into their lives, creating more opportunities for tension and conflict.

When someone is deeply involved in your life—giving career advice, helping raise children, providing emotional support—the likelihood of friction increases. By contrast, more casual, less intimate friendships (which men tend to have) offer fewer opportunities for conflict. The higher dissolution rate is actually a byproduct of the depth and intimacy that characterize women's friendships.

This knowledge can help women feel less shame about friendship breakups. Understanding that friendship transitions are normal can foster a healthier approach to the ebb and flow of relationships throughout life.

4. Female friendship breakups can be more painful than romantic breakups

Friendship breakups between women can be surprisingly painful—sometimes even more so than romantic breakups. This is partly because we rarely expect or prepare for friendship endings the way we do with romantic relationships. We enter friendships assuming they'll last, making the dissolution more disruptive.

Women's friendships become deeply integrated into their self-concept. How a woman sees herself is largely influenced by how her friends see and experience her. When a friendship ends, it can trigger questions about identity and self-worth. The unresolved nature of many friendship endings can keep painful emotions alive for years.

Unlike romantic breakups, where we can often rationalize that "they weren't the right person," friendship breakups don't fit neatly into such narratives. This helps explain why women might still think about a friendship that ended decades ago. These lingering feelings are normal and reflect the deep impact female friendships have on identity and emotional wellbeing.

5. Jealousy and competition emerge from comparison

Feelings of jealousy and competition among female friends often stem from using friends as a measure of personal progress. Women look to those in close proximity to gauge their own development in areas like career, relationships, or personal milestones.

Societal pressures and patriarchal influences can exacerbate these comparisons. When women are conditioned to look, behave, or achieve in certain ways, friends naturally become reference points. Many women feel they can't express these feelings openly without appearing petty, causing them to harbor resentment that manifests as passive-aggressive behavior or distancing.

The podcast suggests normalizing these feelings rather than judging them. Recognizing envy as a signal of personal desires and values can transform it from a destructive force into useful self-knowledge. This shift in perspective allows women to acknowledge these feelings while preventing them from damaging valuable relationships.

6. Puberty and early adolescence transform female friendships

Around age 12, significant biological and social changes transform how girls relate to each other. As girls begin puberty, they experience a public shift in identity that involves being suddenly viewed as "women." This change coincides with a documented 46% drop in confidence between ages 12 and 14.

The emergence of romantic interests introduces new dynamics of comparison and competition. Social situations like school dances create visible hierarchies based on perceived attractiveness and popularity. These experiences can foster resentment among friends who previously supported each other unconditionally.

The middle school years also bring intense emphasis on "best friends" and exclusive relationships. Girls begin defining themselves through these close bonds, creating a social currency based on who has the most friends or the strongest best-friend relationship. These patterns established in adolescence can influence friendship approaches throughout adulthood.

7. Unmet expectations cause most friendship conflicts

Many friendship conflicts stem from high expectations that aren't clearly communicated. Research shows that women want more from their close relationships than men do, particularly regarding reciprocity and self-disclosure. This means women set and are expected to meet higher standards.

Women also register more "relational violations," identifying more wrongs in their friendships than men typically do. A study of college roommate reassignment requests found that most came from women, illustrating this tendency. The expectation that friends should intuitively understand needs without explicit communication compounds the problem.

Rather than viewing disappointment negatively, the podcast suggests reframing it as a sign of caring and connection. When someone expresses disappointment about a friend not showing up, it indicates they value the relationship. Communicating these feelings openly—without accusation—creates opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.

8. Warning signs of unhealthy friendships

There are clear indicators that a friendship may not be healthy. One primary warning sign is not liking who you are when you're with a particular friend. This might manifest as acting unlike yourself or behaving in ways that don't align with your values.

Feeling depleted after spending time together signals potential issues. This exhaustion might stem from negativity, performing a certain role, or managing difficult dynamics. Friends who make you feel like you're delaying personal goals or who respond negatively to your growth might be hindering rather than supporting you.

It's important to recognize that sometimes the issue isn't that one person is "toxic," but that your specific dynamic together doesn't work. Two perfectly good people might bring out challenging patterns in each other. Understanding this nuance helps avoid blame while still acknowledging when a friendship isn't serving either person well.

9. Friendship transitions throughout life are normal

Research indicates that people replace about half their friends every seven years. This natural "pruning" process reflects changing values, interests, and life circumstances. Understanding this pattern can relieve shame around friendships that end or the need to make new friends as an adult.

The podcast uses a tree metaphor to illustrate different types of friendships: leaves (seasonal connections), branches (stronger but sometimes breakable bonds), and roots (enduring relationships that provide foundation). Each type serves a purpose, and the seasonal nature of some friendships doesn't diminish their value during the time they flourish.

Accepting friendship transitions as a sign of growth rather than failure creates a healthier perspective. Instead of clinging to relationships that no longer fit, women can appreciate what each friendship offered while remaining open to new connections that align with their current selves.

10. Friendship healing requires vulnerability and communication

Addressing friendship conflicts requires specific communication strategies. Rather than making accusations, frame concerns as invitations. For example, instead of saying "You're too controlling," try "I know you like checking in throughout the day, but weekends work better for me."

For those who tend toward controlling behavior in friendships, examining underlying fears is crucial. Ask yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I loosen my grip? Am I scared of being forgotten or left behind? Broadening your friendship circle can also reduce pressure on any single relationship.

The podcast emphasizes that healing often requires returning to the very thing that caused pain. Women who've been hurt in female friendships might avoid new connections, but restoration comes through the courage to try again. Society's broader healing also begins with these individual relationships—as we build trust and goodwill with friends, the positive effects ripple outward, strengthening community bonds beyond our immediate circles.