The Secret to Stopping Anxiety & Fear (That Actually Works) | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Dr. David Rosmarin's groundbreaking approach to transforming anxiety from enemy to ally.

1. Anxiety is a normal human emotion, not a disease

Society has incorrectly taught us that feeling anxious means something is fundamentally wrong with us. This messaging comes from parents, teachers, medical professionals, and pharmaceutical advertisements that pathologize normal human emotions. Dr. Rosmarin explains that if you don't experience any anxiety, something is probably wrong because anxiety is a natural response to challenging situations.

The medical profession has contributed to this misunderstanding by over-diagnosing normal stress responses as clinical anxiety disorders. A federally funded panel recently recommended screening patients using a two-item measure that flags anyone with any anxiety or worry in the past two weeks for clinical treatment. This approach conflates healthy, adaptive anxiety with pathological conditions that actually require professional intervention.

When we judge ourselves for feeling anxious, we create a cascade effect that dumps more adrenaline into our system. This physiological response actually makes the anxiety worse, creating the very problem we're trying to avoid. Understanding that low-level anxiety is normal helps us respond to it more effectively rather than fighting against a natural human experience.

2. There's a crucial difference between normal nervousness and clinical anxiety

Anxiety exists on a scale from 1 to 9, with different ranges requiring different approaches. Levels 1-3 represent normal, healthy anxiety that can actually enhance performance and connection. Levels 4-6 might be manageable depending on life circumstances, such as going through medical school, starting a new job, or experiencing major life changes. Levels 7-9 typically interfere with daily functioning and require professional treatment.

Clinical anxiety becomes problematic when it disrupts sleep, prevents you from participating in important activities, or causes you to avoid situations that matter to you. This type of anxiety often requires medication, therapy, or other professional interventions to manage effectively. The key distinction is whether the anxiety enhances your life or holds you hostage.

Normal anxiety serves important functions in our lives. It signals that we care about something meaningful, helps us prepare for challenges, and can motivate us to perform better. When we understand this difference, we can respond appropriately rather than treating all anxiety as a medical emergency that needs to be eliminated.

3. Most anxiety stems from fear of being alone or abandoned

Through working with over 10,000 patients, Dr. Rosmarin discovered that the root of most anxiety comes down to one core fear: being alone. When patients dig deep into what they're truly afraid of, they often tear up when they reach this realization. This fear manifests in various ways, from social anxiety about embarrassing ourselves to performance anxiety about losing jobs or relationships.

The fear of abandonment connects to our fundamental human need for connection and belonging. Whether we're worried about failing a test, being rejected on a date, or making mistakes at work, the underlying concern is often that we'll be judged, rejected, or left isolated. This fear is so powerful because humans are social beings who depend on relationships for survival and wellbeing.

Understanding this core fear helps explain why anxiety often increases when we try to handle it alone. The very thing we fear most - isolation - is what we create when we hide our struggles and judge ourselves for having normal human emotions. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward using anxiety as a bridge to deeper connections rather than a barrier.

4. The four-step framework: identify, share, embrace, and let go

The first step, identify, means getting to the root of what you're truly afraid of instead of avoiding or suppressing the feeling. This involves probing deeper than surface-level worries to understand the core fear driving your anxiety. Rather than trying to eliminate anxious thoughts, you examine them closely to understand what they're telling you about what matters most.

The second step, share, involves opening up to someone else about your anxiety to create connection rather than isolation. This isn't about seeking reassurance or trying to get someone to fix your problems. Instead, it's about being vulnerable and allowing another person to understand your experience, which often deepens relationships and reduces the power anxiety has over you.

The third step, embrace, requires deliberately doing things that make you feel anxious when you're ready and at a comfortable pace. This builds emotional resilience the same way physical exercise builds muscle strength. The final step, let go, involves accepting that there are aspects of life you cannot control and learning to find peace with uncertainty rather than fighting against it.

5. Sharing anxiety creates connection instead of isolation

When we keep our anxious feelings to ourselves, we reinforce the very fear that drives most anxiety - being alone with our struggles. Sharing our anxiety with trusted people can transform it from a source of shame into a bridge for deeper relationships. However, this sharing must be done thoughtfully, choosing the right person at the right time who can truly listen and validate your experience.

The act of sharing doesn't mean seeking reassurance or asking someone to solve your problems. Instead, it's about being honest about your internal experience and allowing another person to witness your humanity. This vulnerability often reveals that others have similar struggles, creating instant connection and reducing the sense of being uniquely flawed or broken.

Many people discover that their relationships become more authentic and meaningful when they stop hiding their anxiety. Partners, friends, and family members often appreciate the honesty and feel closer to someone who shares their real struggles rather than maintaining a perfect facade.

6. Exposure therapy builds emotional resilience like physical exercise builds strength

Just as we don't want to go to the gym to build physical muscles but do it anyway for the long-term benefits, facing anxiety-provoking situations builds emotional strength over time. This doesn't mean jumping into your worst fears immediately, but gradually and intentionally exposing yourself to situations that create manageable levels of anxiety. The key is doing this when you're ready and at a pace that feels sustainable.

The process requires preparation and the right mindset. Before engaging in exposure exercises, it's important to expect that anxiety will spike and uncomfortable thoughts will arise - this is part of the process, not a sign that something is wrong. Understanding that these feelings are temporary and part of building resilience helps you push through the discomfort.

Results often come faster than expected, with many people experiencing significant anxiety reduction after just one or two exposures. However, for those who have been avoiding situations for years or decades, it may take more repetitions to see improvement. The process is like paying off a mortgage - it takes time, but eventually you reach freedom from that particular fear.

7. Well-meaning responses often make anxiety worse

When someone we care about expresses anxiety, our natural instinct is to reassure them, minimize their concerns, or help them avoid the situation entirely. Parents often tell anxious children "everything will be okay" or accommodate their avoidance by letting them skip school events or sleepovers. While these responses come from love, they inadvertently send the message that something is indeed wrong and that the person can't handle the situation.

The most helpful response is curiosity without judgment. Instead of trying to fix or eliminate the anxiety, ask questions about what specifically worries them. This exploration helps the anxious person understand their own fears better while feeling heard and validated. It also prevents the cycle where being afraid of anxiety creates more anxiety.

This approach applies to how we treat our own anxiety as well. When we notice anxious feelings arising, instead of immediately trying to suppress or eliminate them, we can get curious about what they're telling us. This shift from fighting anxiety to exploring it transforms our relationship with these natural emotions.

8. Anxiety signals that something matters to you

Healthy anxiety before important events like job interviews, first dates, or major presentations indicates that you care about the outcome and recognize the significance of the situation. If you felt completely calm before every meaningful event in your life, it might suggest disconnection from what's important to you. A certain level of nervousness shows that you're engaged with life and invested in outcomes that matter.

This reframe helps us see anxiety as information rather than pathology. When your body responds with increased heart rate, sweaty palms, or racing thoughts before something important, it's preparing you to meet a challenge. This physiological response has evolved to help humans perform better in high-stakes situations, providing extra energy and focus when needed most.

The key is learning to interpret these signals correctly rather than catastrophizing them. Instead of thinking "something is wrong with me," you can recognize "this matters to me, and my body is getting ready to help me handle it." This subtle shift in interpretation can dramatically change how anxiety affects your performance and wellbeing.

9. Control versus letting go determines whether anxiety helps or hurts

Anxiety always involves issues of control - we become anxious about things we cannot fully control but desperately want to influence. The fourth step of Dr. Rosmarin's framework, letting go, involves distinguishing between what we can and cannot control, then focusing our energy appropriately. This doesn't mean becoming passive, but rather channeling our efforts toward areas where we actually have influence.

There's an important distinction between losing control involuntarily and choosing to give up control, like on a roller coaster. When we voluntarily let go of the need to control outcomes, anxiety can actually become exhilarating rather than overwhelming. This requires a fundamental shift in perspective about uncertainty and our role in determining life outcomes.

The process of letting go often involves accepting that we cannot control other people's opinions, natural disasters, economic conditions, or many other factors that influence our lives. However, we maintain control over our responses, our effort, our choices, and our values. Focusing on these controllable elements while accepting uncertainty in other areas transforms anxiety from a prison into a tool for growth.

10. Language shapes our relationship with anxious feelings

The words we use to describe our emotional states significantly impact how we experience them. Instead of labeling every uncomfortable feeling as "anxiety," we can use more specific and less pathologizing language. Terms like "nervous," "excited," "unsettled," "worried," or "noticing I really care about this" feel less clinical and more manageable than the loaded term "anxiety."

This linguistic shift helps normalize the experience and reduces the shame often associated with anxious feelings. When we say "I'm feeling a little nervous about this presentation" instead of "I'm having anxiety," we acknowledge the emotion without making it seem like a medical condition that needs to be fixed or eliminated.

The language we use with others, especially children, is equally important. Instead of asking "Are you anxious?" we might say "What are you worried about?" or "Tell me what's on your mind." This approach invites exploration rather than diagnostic thinking and helps maintain the distinction between normal emotional responses and clinical conditions that require professional treatment.