How to Stop Caring What People Think of You
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' podcast episode on "How to Stop Caring What People Think of You" that will transform how you view yourself and others' opinions.
1. The Let Them Theory
The Let Them Theory is a powerful mindset tool with two simple parts. First, when you find yourself frustrated or stressed about what others are doing, saying, or thinking, simply say "let them." This acknowledges that you cannot control others' thoughts or behaviors. Second, say "let me," reminding yourself that you can only control your own thoughts, actions, and how you process your feelings. This simple framework instantly shows you what's in your control and what isn't.
The theory helps separate your self-worth from others' opinions. By focusing on your response rather than trying to manage others' perceptions, you reclaim your power. This shift in perspective creates a healthier boundary between yourself and others, allowing you to break free from the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing.
2. Your worth isn't determined by others
A fundamental problem many people face is locating their sense of worth in others' opinions. This pattern often begins in childhood when we receive positive attention for performing well, getting good grades, or winning. Over time, we learn to seek external validation as proof of our value.
This external validation system creates an unstable foundation for self-worth. When you rely on others' moods, reactions, and opinions to feel good about yourself, you'll never truly feel secure. You're essentially giving away your power and placing the control of your happiness in hands that cannot possibly manage it with your best interests in mind.
The healthier alternative is to pull that validation back to yourself. When you prioritize what you think about yourself over what others think, you create a stable internal foundation that cannot be shaken by external judgments.
3. Childhood attribution shapes adult behavior
Children lack abstract thinking abilities and life experience, which leads them to attribute negative experiences to themselves. Without the capacity to understand that adults might be responding to their own internal issues, children assume they are the cause of others' reactions, creating a pattern of self-blame.
This misattribution follows us into adulthood. Many adults continue to operate from this childhood programming, assuming responsibility for others' moods and reactions. This creates a persistent feeling of "not being good enough" and drives people-pleasing behaviors as we try to manage others' perceptions.
The goal is to develop what psychologist Winnicott called feeling "good enough" - having the internal confidence to face challenges, recover from setbacks, and know your inherent worth. Even if you didn't develop this sense in childhood, it's possible to cultivate it later in life by recognizing and changing these attribution patterns.
4. People-pleasing creates a personal prison
Excessive concern about others' thoughts creates what Chrissy Teigen described as a "prison." This mental confinement restricts freedom, spontaneity, and authentic self-expression. The constant worry about being judged leads many people to avoid social situations, overthink interactions, and exhaust themselves trying to control uncontrollable outcomes.
People-pleasers often spend tremendous energy trying to ensure everyone has positive experiences with them. After interactions, they obsessively replay conversations, analyzing every word and reaction. This mental loop consumes valuable cognitive and emotional resources that could be directed toward more fulfilling pursuits.
Breaking free from this prison requires recognizing the futility of trying to control others' perceptions. No matter how "good" you are, you cannot guarantee positive opinions from others. Accepting this reality is the first step toward liberation from people-pleasing behaviors.
5. The fear of being misunderstood is universal
Even highly successful people like Chrissy Teigen struggle with the fear of being misunderstood. Despite outward success, many people live with the persistent worry that others don't see their true intentions or appreciate their genuine goodness. This disconnect between how we see ourselves and how we believe others see us creates significant emotional distress.
The desire to be understood is deeply human. We want others to recognize our good intentions, positive qualities, and authentic selves. When we feel misunderstood, it can trigger deep feelings of isolation and unworthiness, as if our true self is invisible to those around us.
Healing this fear requires accepting that complete understanding from others is impossible. No one can fully access your internal experience, just as you cannot access theirs. Rather than exhausting yourself trying to ensure perfect understanding, focus on aligning your actions with your values and understanding yourself.
6. Claims of not caring reveal the opposite
When someone repeatedly says they "don't give a f***" about what others think, it actually reveals how much they care. These declarations are typically defensive responses to something that deeply bothers them. The need to verbally dismiss others' opinions indicates that those opinions still hold significant power.
True indifference doesn't require announcement. When you genuinely don't care about someone's opinion, you don't think about it enough to mention it. The emotional energy invested in declaring how little you care is itself evidence of caring.
Recognizing this pattern helps identify areas where you might be giving away your power. Rather than verbally rejecting the importance of others' opinions, the healthier approach is to acknowledge their impact while working to reduce their influence on your self-perception.
7. Your negative self-talk perpetuates external validation seeking
The harsh internal critic that runs on repeat in many people's minds creates a need for external validation. When you're constantly telling yourself that you're not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough, you naturally look outside yourself for evidence to counter these negative beliefs.
This creates a dependent relationship with external feedback. Instead of developing a stable internal validation system, you become reliant on compliments, acknowledgment, and approval from others to temporarily quiet your inner critic. However, this relief is always short-lived, creating a cycle of dependence on external validation.
Breaking this cycle requires addressing the negative self-talk directly. As you learn to speak to yourself with more compassion and truth, the desperate need for external validation naturally diminishes. You begin to trust your own assessment of your worth rather than seeking confirmation from others.
8. Proper attribution creates healthy boundaries
Learning to properly attribute thoughts, feelings, and behaviors is essential for healthy boundaries. This means recognizing that others' moods and opinions belong to them, not to you. When someone is upset, their emotional state is attributed to them and their experiences, not taken as a reflection of your worth or actions.
This proper attribution system functions as "the world's best boundary." It allows you to separate yourself from others' emotional states and judgments, creating psychological space between you and them. This space is necessary for maintaining a stable sense of self amid changing social dynamics.
When you practice proper attribution through the Let Them Theory, you remind yourself that others' thoughts and feelings are theirs to manage, just as your thoughts and feelings are yours. This mutual responsibility creates clearer, healthier interactions where you aren't trying to manage others' internal experiences.
9. Worrying about others' opinions creates unnecessary stress
The mental energy spent worrying about what others think directly contributes to stress and anxiety. When you constantly monitor others' reactions and adjust your behavior accordingly, you create an ongoing state of hypervigilance that taxes your nervous system and depletes your emotional resources.
This vigilance keeps you in a perpetual state of stress. Your attention becomes fragmented as you divide it between your own experience and your perception of others' experiences. This divided attention makes it difficult to be fully present in your life and diminishes your enjoyment of experiences.
Letting go of this hypervigilance through the Let Them Theory creates immediate relief. When you stop trying to control the uncontrollable, you free up mental and emotional bandwidth for more fulfilling pursuits. This shift doesn't mean you stop caring about others—it means you care in a healthier, more sustainable way.
10. Modeling healthy boundaries teaches others
How you manage your relationship with others' opinions sets an example for those around you, especially children. When you visibly allow others' judgments to devastate you, you teach observers that external validation is necessary for well-being. Conversely, when you demonstrate healthy boundaries, you show others how to maintain their sense of self amid external judgments.
Chrissy Teigen expressed concern about passing her people-pleasing tendencies to her children. This concern highlights the generational impact of our relationship with others' opinions. Children naturally model the behaviors they observe, including how we respond to criticism, praise, and judgment.
By practicing the Let Them Theory and maintaining healthy boundaries with others' opinions, you not only improve your own life but potentially break harmful cycles for future generations. Your example shows others that it's possible to care about people without making their opinions the measure of your worth.