When Nothing Seems to Be Going Your Way, Here’s Exactly What To Do
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mel Robbins' podcast episode on navigating life when nothing seems to be going your way.
1. Life isn't fair
Life's inherent unfairness is a fundamental truth we must acknowledge. Mel emphasizes that unfairness is constant - there will always be elements outside our control, painful situations that happen to us but not to others. This acknowledgment isn't pessimistic but rather liberating because it allows us to stop fighting against reality.
Recognizing life's unfairness validates our experiences and emotions. When we face difficult circumstances - losing a home, dealing with illness, facing financial struggles - acknowledging the unfairness gives us permission to feel our authentic emotions. This validation creates space for healing rather than suppressing our feelings, which research shows is crucial for mental health.
2. Give yourself a deadline for feeling bad
Setting a deadline creates intentional space to process difficult emotions without letting them consume your life indefinitely. This approach acknowledges that feeling sad, overwhelmed, or disempowered in response to unfair situations is mentally healthy and appropriate. The deadline signals that while this difficult period matters, it's just one scene in your life story.
Research from UC Irvine after 9/11 supports this approach. People who took active steps to manage emotions, including processing what happened, healed faster than those who suppressed feelings. For relationship breakups, research suggests about 11 weeks before feeling better, while grief may take six months to two years. The deadline serves as a promise to yourself that this difficult period will end.
3. Accept the reality of your situation
Acceptance means moving beyond acknowledging life isn't fair to truly accepting your current reality without wishing it were different. This requires letting go of resistance to what has happened. When you wish things were different, you prolong your suffering by living in denial of reality.
This concept echoes philosophies like stoicism and Buddhism that teach accepting things beyond our control. As the poet Rumi suggests, "Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you." Accepting reality doesn't mean you like what happened or that it's fair - it simply means you acknowledge what is true so you can move forward rather than remaining stuck in wishful thinking.
4. Make a practical plan to move forward
Almost every difficult situation has some aspect that remains within your control. Making a plan focuses your attention on what you can do rather than what you can't change. This shifts you from feeling helpless to taking empowered action, even if those actions are small.
Mel offers practical advice for creating plans, including researching others who've overcome similar challenges. She suggests using internet resources, books, videos, or even AI tools like ChatGPT to create structured 30-day plans with specific daily actions. This approach works because it combats despair by creating hope through concrete steps, making overwhelming situations manageable through incremental progress.
5. Your attitude remains in your control
Viktor Frankl's insights from "Man's Search for Meaning" illuminate how we always retain the freedom to choose our attitude, even in the most horrific circumstances. This fundamental human freedom - choosing how we respond - remains when everything else is taken away. Frankl's experiences in Nazi concentration camps provide powerful testimony to this principle.
Your attitude functions as an internal compass that guides your actions and experiences. When you choose hope over despair, possibility over limitation, you empower yourself to take constructive actions. This attitude choice directly impacts your willingness to follow through on plans, seek help, or persist through challenges. It represents the ultimate expression of personal agency in difficult situations.
6. Feeling negative emotions is mentally healthy
Experiencing sadness, grief, or feeling overwhelmed in response to difficult situations indicates psychological health, not weakness. Dr. Lisa Damour's research shows that appropriate emotional responses to painful situations demonstrate that your mind and body are working correctly. These emotions signal that you care and are processing experiences naturally.
Suppressing these feelings creates long-term psychological harm. The UC Irvine research Mel references found that people who pushed emotions down after traumatic events suffered longer from PTSD and anxiety. Allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions creates the foundation for healing. This perspective shifts how we view emotional responses, removing shame and encouraging self-compassion during difficult times.
7. Learn from others who've overcome similar challenges
There's tremendous power in recognizing you're not alone in your struggles. For virtually any difficult situation, others have faced similar or even worse circumstances and found ways through them. Their experiences provide both practical strategies and emotional reassurance that improvement is possible.
Mel suggests actively seeking these stories and solutions through books, videos, podcasts, and online resources. This approach serves multiple purposes - it provides practical guidance, creates hope by showing what's possible, and offers connection through shared human experience. Learning from others' journeys offers both inspiration and concrete strategies that have been tested in real-life situations.
8. Difficult experiences often reveal your greatest strengths
Life's most painful moments frequently become catalysts for discovering your deepest resilience and capabilities. Mel reflects that the worst news in her life ultimately led to discovering the best things about herself. This perspective transforms challenges from merely painful experiences into opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
This concept connects to post-traumatic growth research, which shows that many people develop new strengths, perspectives, and wisdom through overcoming difficult experiences. While no one chooses hardship, recognizing the potential for growth within challenges provides meaning and purpose during difficult times. This perspective doesn't diminish the pain but adds dimension to your understanding of challenging experiences.
9. Find meaning in your experiences
Finding meaning in difficult situations transforms suffering from something merely endured to something purposeful. Viktor Frankl's logotherapy centers on this principle - that humans can endure almost any "how" if they have a compelling "why." Searching for meaning doesn't justify the unfairness but provides context that helps us integrate difficult experiences into our life narrative.
The meaning we discover might involve helping others facing similar challenges, developing greater empathy, or gaining wisdom we couldn't have acquired otherwise. This approach shifts focus from "why is this happening to me?" to "what is this teaching me?" or "how might this change me for the better?" Finding meaning doesn't erase pain but creates a framework that makes it more bearable and potentially transformative.
10. Small actions create meaningful progress
Major life improvements typically result from consistent small actions rather than dramatic single changes. When facing overwhelming circumstances, breaking response plans into small, manageable daily actions creates momentum and prevents paralysis. Each small step builds confidence for the next, gradually transforming your situation.
This principle works because it bypasses the overwhelm that prevents action when challenges seem too large. Simple daily practices - reaching out for support, researching options, taking care of basic needs, or working on one aspect of a problem - compound over time. The focus on small actions also keeps you connected to what remains within your control rather than fixating on overwhelming aspects beyond your influence.