The Definition of Success with author Neil Strauss | A Bit of Optimism Podcast

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Simon Sinek's conversation with Neil Strauss on "The Definition of Success," offering insights that challenge conventional thinking about achievement, relationships, and personal growth.

1. The power of validation over seeking validation

Most people walk through life worried about what others think of them. Neil Strauss shares a transformative insight: everyone else is actually worried about what you think of them. This realization can free us from seeking validation and instead focus on giving validation to others.

The practice of making someone feel seen, heard, or understood is one of the greatest gifts we can offer. This shift from seeking validation to giving it creates meaningful connections. As Strauss says, "instead of trying to take validation from other people, giving people validation" changes our entire social dynamic.

Even in everyday interactions, like complimenting someone on their car instead of judging them, we can practice this principle. The conversation suggests that validating others not only helps them but also reduces our own social anxiety and insecurity.

2. The journey from "The Game" to personal growth

Neil Strauss discusses his transformation from writing "The Game," a book about pickup artists, to his personal journey of growth and healing. He originally approached the pickup artist community as a shy, socially awkward journalist who struggled with relationships.

The book itself was meant to document male insecurity rather than provide a manual for manipulation. Strauss explains how the book actually begins with the "greatest pickup artist in the world trying to kill himself over a woman" and ends with toxic masculinity destroying personalities. His intention was to show how insecure and fearful men really are, not to celebrate manipulation.

His greater transformation came through sex addiction rehab, where he discovered deep-rooted issues stemming from his relationship with his mother. This journey illustrates how personal growth often involves recognizing and healing childhood wounds.

3. Understanding emotional incest and its impact

Strauss shares a profound realization from therapy about emotional incest in his relationship with his mother. This insight helped him understand why he had never been in a healthy relationship. His therapist pointed out that his mother wanted to be in a relationship with him, creating unhealthy boundaries.

Unlike physical abandonment, emotional enmeshment can be difficult to recognize because it feels "falsely elevated." When a child becomes a parent's confidant, special person, or emotional support, it creates an unhealthy dynamic that affects future relationships. Strauss realized this pattern made him afraid of vulnerability and emotional surrender in adult relationships.

This understanding helped him recognize the source of his interest in pickup artistry and seduction techniques. He discovered that his fear of the feminine and desire for control through tactics stemmed from growing up with a "toxic narcissist" mother figure.

4. Taking personal accountability for healing

Strauss emphasizes that while understanding our past helps explain our behavior, we must take 100% accountability for our healing. He states, "my accountability is 100% mine" regardless of how his mother treated him.

This perspective empowers us to change because we take responsibility for the stories we've created about our experiences. By accepting responsibility, we gain control over our healing journey. This differs from blame and focuses instead on understanding the variables that shaped us.

The conversation suggests that the healing process includes several steps, with forgiveness being a crucial final stage. Forgiveness allows us to let go of negative energy around both ourselves and others, leading to true freedom and growth.

5. The difference between lifting others up versus bringing them down

The conversation explores how people often try to feel better about themselves either by lifting others up or bringing others down. In today's culture, there seems to be a tendency to criticize successful people and bring them down when they become too prominent.

This pattern relates to a lack of vision and idealism in society. Without shared visions that create community, people feel alone and resort to tearing others down rather than doing the hard work of lifting themselves up. The discussion suggests that insecurity drives this behavior.

Simon Sinek connects this to how we've shifted from celebrating companies to heroizing individual CEOs. This creates a binary world of "I am the genius or I'm not the genius" that ignores our nature as social animals who succeed through interconnection and support from others.

6. Redefining success beyond individual achievement

The conversation challenges conventional definitions of success by suggesting that all paths are equally valid. Whether someone chooses to raise a family, travel the world, create art, or drive political change, each path deserves respect.

Strauss references the Book of Ecclesiastes, suggesting we should "grow our own garden" and "be happy doing it" even if it doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme. This perspective values personal fulfillment over external validation or impact.

Sinek pushes back, arguing that we have responsibilities as social beings. He suggests we should strive to leave our communities, workplaces, and relationships "in better shape than we found them." This creates a tension between individual fulfillment and social responsibility that runs throughout their conversation.

7. The uncertainty of outcomes and accepting limitations

The podcast explores the Zen parable of the horse to illustrate how we can never fully know if outcomes are good or bad in the long run. What seems positive may lead to negative consequences, and vice versa, in an endless chain of cause and effect.

This understanding highlights our limited control over outcomes. We can control our actions and intentions but not the ultimate results of our efforts. Accepting this uncertainty can be freeing rather than discouraging.

The speakers debate whether this means we shouldn't worry about contributing to others' wellbeing. They eventually find common ground in focusing on intentions rather than outcomes. Doing the right thing matters, even if we can't control or predict the results.

8. The importance of contribution while accepting uncertainty

Sinek argues for taking responsibility for contributing positively to others, even while accepting uncertainty. He defines contribution as attempting to "leave whatever situation slightly better than when I showed up."

This standard applies to leadership, parenting, friendship, and casual interactions. While acknowledging we can't control outcomes, Sinek maintains that we should strive to help others learn, grow, and improve through our relationships with them.

Strauss questions whether this creates too much responsibility for outcomes beyond our control. They ultimately agree that having good intentions is sufficient, but they draw the "boundary of responsibility" at different places. This philosophical hair-splitting reveals how personal values shape our approach to social responsibility.

9. Living within our own stories

Strauss suggests that we each live in our own world, with our own narratives that interact with others' stories. He frames their philosophical disagreement as "two stories meeting" - his "uncertainty story" versus Sinek's "contribution story."

This perspective acknowledges that our worldviews are shaped by the stories we tell ourselves and others. These narratives influence how we interpret experiences and make decisions. Wars are fought over conflicting stories, and personal conflicts often arise from clashing narratives.

Strauss proposes that happiness comes partly from accepting uncertainty in our stories. While it's important to live according to a narrative we believe in, recognizing the limitations of our perspective creates space for growth and connection with others who see things differently.

10. The hidden gift of uncertainty

The conversation concludes with both speakers finding common ground in embracing uncertainty. They agree that acknowledging our limited understanding creates space for growth and possibility.

Sinek calls uncertainty "magical and empowering because uncertainty is the place where things can happen." Rather than being a source of anxiety, uncertainty becomes a doorway to new discoveries and connections.

Strauss suggests that "if people accepted uncertainty, we'd be living in a better, safer, happier world." This acceptance allows us to hold our beliefs and values more lightly, creating room for dialogue and mutual understanding despite differences. The conversation itself demonstrates how engaging with uncertainty can deepen thinking and relationships.