The First Steps To Reducing Your Anxiety with author Mel Robbins | A Bit of Optimism Podcast
Here are the top 10 insights from Mel Robbins' conversation with Simon Sinek that could revolutionize how you approach challenges, relationships, and personal growth.
1. The five-second rule as a mental technique
Mel Robbins created the "5-second rule" during a difficult period in her life when she was dealing with significant debt and anxiety. This simple technique involves counting backward from 5 to 1 before taking action, which helps overcome hesitation, anxiety, and procrastination. She discovered this method as a way to force herself out of bed on mornings when anxiety made it difficult to get up.
The power of this technique lies in its simplicity. When we face moments of hesitation, our brains naturally default to what's easy and comfortable rather than what's challenging but necessary. The 5-second rule interrupts this pattern of thinking and creates a mechanical prompt for action. It bypasses the emotional resistance that often prevents us from doing what we know we should do.
2. Motivation is unreliable for creating change
Mel Robbins strongly believes that motivation is "complete garbage" because it's never there when you need it most. Waiting to feel motivated before taking action is counterproductive. Our brains are wired to default to what feels easy and to resist what feels difficult or uncomfortable.
If motivation were readily available on demand, everyone would achieve their goals effortlessly. The reality is that meaningful change requires action despite not feeling motivated. Taking action itself is what dissipates negative emotions and creates momentum. Rather than waiting for motivation to appear, developing the skill of doing what needs to be done regardless of how you feel is far more effective for creating lasting change.
3. Let them theory for healthier relationships
The "Let Them" theory represents a profound shift in how we approach relationships with others. Mel discovered this concept when her daughter repeated "let them" in response to Mel's anxieties about her son's prom experience. This philosophy centers on stopping our attempts to control, manage, or change others and instead allowing them to be who they are.
Many people waste enormous amounts of energy worrying about and trying to control others' behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. This creates unnecessary stress and friction in relationships. By adopting the mindset of "let them," we release our grip on trying to control what others do or think. This creates space for genuine connection and allows us to focus on what's actually within our control.
The approach doesn't mean we stop caring about others. Rather, it's about recognizing the boundaries of our influence and respecting others' autonomy. When we let others be who they are, we also gain insight into their priorities and values, which helps us make better decisions about our own responses and boundaries.
4. The power of detaching from control
A fundamental human need is to feel in control of our lives. When we don't feel in control, we often feel unsafe or anxious. However, many people misdirect this need by trying to control things outside their influence—particularly other people's thoughts, behaviors, and emotions.
There are only three things we can truly control: what we think in response to something, what we do or don't do, and how we manage our emotions. By recognizing these boundaries and detaching from trying to control everything else, we can experience significant relief from stress and anxiety. This detachment isn't about not caring, but about directing our energy more effectively.
This shift creates a sense of peace and presence that wasn't possible when constantly worrying about controlling others. When we stop trying to manage things beyond our control, we free up mental and emotional resources to focus on what truly matters and what we can actually influence.
5. The "let me" component that completes the theory
The "Let Them" theory has a crucial second component: "Let Me." After letting go of trying to control others, we must redirect our focus to what is within our control. This creates a balanced approach where we respect others' autonomy while exercising our own agency.
This part of the theory helps prevent feelings of powerlessness that might come from only practicing "let them." When we say "let me," we're actively choosing how to respond based on our values and priorities rather than reacting to others. It shifts the focus from external control to internal empowerment.
For example, if someone is disappointed with a decision you've made, you can "let them" be disappointed rather than changing your decision to please them. Then you say "let me" make choices aligned with my values. This approach maintains healthy boundaries while still honoring relationships.
6. The three conditions necessary for adult friendships
Mel Robbins identifies a significant shift in friendship dynamics after age 20, which she calls "the great scattering." Friendship transitions from a group activity with built-in structures to an individual pursuit that requires intentional effort. Three specific conditions must be present for adult friendships to form and thrive.
First, proximity matters tremendously. Research shows it takes about 70 hours to form a casual friendship and around 200 hours for a close friendship. Physical closeness facilitates the time investment needed. Second, the timing of life stages needs to align somewhat. When people are in vastly different life phases (some married, others single; some with children, others traveling), it's harder to maintain connection. Third, energy compatibility matters—some relationships simply have a natural chemistry that others lack.
Understanding these factors helps us approach friendship changes with less judgment and more compassion. When friendships fade, it's often not personal but the result of changing conditions. Adult friendship becomes your responsibility to create rather than something you wait for others to initiate.
7. Emotions are temporary chemical reactions
Emotions are simply chemical reactions in our bodies that naturally rise and fall like waves. Research indicates that most emotions dissipate within about 90 seconds if we allow them to run their course without amplifying them through our thinking patterns.
Many people mistakenly believe that their emotions should guide their actions and responses. Mel suggests the opposite approach: we can choose our responses regardless of our emotional state. This doesn't mean suppressing emotions, but rather developing the skill to feel them fully while not allowing them to dictate our behavior.
Learning to separate feelings from actions is liberating. It gives us agency even when experiencing difficult emotions. This skill allows us to process sadness, anger, and disappointment without becoming trapped in them or making decisions we might later regret.
8. The insight that "people do well when they can"
Mel references Dr. Stuart Ablon's perspective that "people do well when they can." This means that when someone isn't functioning well, it's not typically due to lack of willpower or motivation but because they lack certain skills or are facing unidentified challenges.
This insight shifts our approach to both ourselves and others from judgment to curiosity and compassion. Rather than assuming someone is being difficult intentionally, we can consider what skills or support they might be missing. This applies equally to our own behaviors that we wish to change.
Many people struggle silently with patterns they don't understand, which leads to shame and self-criticism. Recognizing that behaviors often stem from skill deficits rather than character flaws opens the door to more effective solutions. It allows us to address root causes rather than just symptoms.
9. Action precedes motivation, not the other way around
The traditional view suggests that motivation leads to action—we feel inspired first, then we act. Mel Robbins flips this equation: action comes first, and motivation follows. Taking action, even when we don't feel like it, is what creates momentum and eventually changes how we feel.
When we take action despite emotional resistance, we prove to ourselves that we aren't defined or limited by our feelings. Each small action builds evidence that we can do difficult things, which gradually shifts our self-perception. This accumulating experience of following through despite discomfort is what builds the skill of consistency.
Most significant change happens through small, consistent actions taken daily, especially when we don't feel like doing them. The ability to ignore how you feel and choose actions aligned with your goals is a learnable skill that compounds over time. This approach turns fleeting motivation into lasting discipline.
10. The paradox of control in relationships
One of the most transformative insights from the conversation is the paradox of control in relationships. When we stop trying to control others and instead focus on what we can control, our relationships actually improve. By releasing our grip on managing others' behaviors and emotions, we create space for authentic connection.
This approach is particularly powerful in parent-child relationships. Mel describes how letting go of micromanaging her children and allowing them to be who they are created healthier boundaries and deeper connections. The same principle applies to all relationships—when we stop trying to change others, we can truly see and appreciate them.
The paradox is that relinquishing control doesn't mean caring less—it means caring more effectively. It shifts relationships from power struggles to partnerships. When both people feel respected in their autonomy, there's more room for genuine care and understanding to flourish. This paradox challenges our instinctive desire to control situations but ultimately leads to more fulfilling connections.