Happily Friended with author Rhaina Cohen | A Bit of Optimism Podcast

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Simon Sinek's conversation with author Rhaina Cohen about the power and potential of deep friendships in our lives.

1. Platonic relationships can rival marriages in intimacy and commitment

Rhaina Cohen highlights how some friendships can be as deeply intimate and powerful as marriages, just without the sexual component. She describes her own experience with a friend called "M," where she felt she had "fallen in love" in a way that wasn't fundamentally different from how she fell for her husband. This challenges our society's hierarchy of relationships.

These profound platonic bonds often feature the same excitement and infatuation we typically associate only with romantic relationships. Cohen even mentions speaking with women who experienced "love at first sight" in their friendships. These relationships demonstrate that the emotional depth we assume is exclusive to romantic partnerships can exist in other forms of connection.

2. Our language lacks adequate terms for deep friendships

The term "best friend" often fails to capture the profound depth of some platonic relationships. Cohen describes how even calling her extraordinarily close friend "M" her "best friend" felt inadequate to express what they meant to each other when they were spending four or five days a week together, being each other's default plus-ones, and intimately involved in each other's lives.

This linguistic limitation creates problems when people try to communicate the importance of these relationships to others. In one example, Cohen mentions an interviewer who moved across the country away from his best friend, but nobody understood the devastation he felt because there wasn't appropriate language to convey the relationship's significance. New terminology like "platonic partner" might help make these profound connections more legible to others.

3. Society privileges romantic coupling over other forms of connection

There exists what Cohen calls "compulsory coupledom" - intense societal pressure to be romantically coupled. This creates a hierarchy where romantic relationships are seen as the only legitimate form of deep connection, while other relationships like friendships are considered secondary. People who remain single often face scrutiny and questioning about what's "wrong" with them.

This rigid hierarchy is actually a relatively recent development. Cohen points out that only in the last 70 years or so have we expected emotional intimacy to exist primarily within marriage. In earlier times, such as ancient Rome, people often considered their friends to be "the greater half of my soul" and saw friendships as their most important relationships. Our current narrow view limits our understanding of the diverse ways humans can form meaningful bonds.

4. Friendship requires vulnerability to deepen

To develop truly intimate friendships, we must be willing to let others see us in vulnerable, messy states rather than only presenting polished versions of ourselves. Cohen shares an experience of witnessing a typically composed friend during a crisis, holding her as she "heaved for several minutes." This moment of raw vulnerability significantly deepened their connection.

Many people resist showing this level of vulnerability to friends. They prefer to wait until everything is "tidied up" before sharing their experiences, which creates barriers to deeper connection. This reluctance to be fully seen creates a feedback loop where people don't open themselves fully, then conclude friendships simply can't achieve the depth they desire, when in fact the potential exists if we're brave enough to let others in.

5. The pressure to find romantic partners affects how we approach relationships

The societal emphasis on finding romantic partners creates enormous pressure that can undermine authentic connection. Sinek draws a parallel to his early days as an entrepreneur, where his desperation to close deals in first meetings led to failure. Similarly, dating often carries such high expectations that it prevents natural relationship development.

Adjusting our goals and expectations can transform how we show up in relationships. Rather than pursuing a romantic connection with specific outcomes in mind, approaching interactions with curiosity about "who we want to be to each other" allows relationships to develop organically. This shift from a success/failure dichotomy to an exploratory mindset removes pressure and creates space for authentic connection to grow.

6. Friendship deserves legal and social recognition

Friendships often lack the legal protections and social recognition afforded to romantic relationships, even when they involve similar levels of commitment and care. Cohen references situations where friends who have supported each other through serious illness have no legal rights at critical moments, despite having been present throughout treatment and serving roles similar to spouses.

The issue isn't necessarily about creating new legal categories for friendship but questioning why we designate some relationships as significant while others remain invisible. Many long-term friendships involve people who serve as medical and legal powers of attorney, executors of estates, and provide consistent care, yet these bonds receive little formal acknowledgment. This disparity reveals how rigidly we categorize relationships rather than recognizing the actual dynamics and care provided within them.

7. Alternative relationship structures can address modern challenges

Traditional relationship structures often fail to meet people's needs, contributing to widespread loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Cohen points to examples like overwhelmed parents in nuclear families who feel exhausted despite following the supposed "gold standard" family structure. This dissatisfaction drives exploration of alternatives.

One alternative Cohen is researching involves parents raising children among networks of friends, creating larger support systems. These arrangements acknowledge that the isolated nuclear family model can be unsustainable and exhausting. By questioning conventional structures and remaining open to different arrangements based on actual needs rather than societal expectations, people can create more supportive and sustainable ways of connecting and caring for each other.

8. Redefining success in relationships parallels shifting definitions of career success

The conversation around redefining relationship success mirrors broader cultural questioning about what constitutes a successful life. Just as people are challenging the equation of career success with money and status, they're also questioning whether marriage is the only valid measure of relationship success. This represents a broader movement toward more intentional living.

Cohen notes that many people reach a point where they realize they've been "put on a conveyor belt" following prescribed paths without questioning them. Whether in careers or relationships, people are increasingly asking if traditional markers of success actually lead to fulfillment. This shift toward intentional choice rather than default adherence to social scripts applies across multiple life domains, suggesting a deeper cultural reevaluation of how we define good lives.

9. Questioning relationship norms often comes from both positive and negative experiences

People question relationship norms through two main paths: negative experiences within traditional structures and unexpected positive experiences outside them. Some discover the limitations of conventional relationships after trying and finding them unsatisfying, like parents who followed the nuclear family model but feel overwhelmed and unfulfilled.

Others stumble into unconventional relationships that bring unexpected joy, prompting them to question why they'd limited their expectations. Cohen's own profound friendship with "M" exemplifies this - she hadn't known such a relationship was possible until experiencing it. Both paths lead to the same destination: questioning societal scripts about which relationships "count" and opening to broader possibilities for meaningful connection.

10. Childlike curiosity offers a model for approaching relationships

The conversation repeatedly returns to childlike qualities like curiosity, innocence, and openness as valuable approaches to relationships. Sinek observes that many adult relationship challenges stem from losing the natural, expectation-free way children form connections. This observation resonates with Cohen's research on deep friendships.

Cohen notes that the unique beauty of profound friendships often lies in their freedom from rigid social scripts, requiring people to define the relationship for themselves. However, she resists creating new rigid categories, preferring to maintain the "shapeshifting" quality that allows these relationships to evolve naturally. This approach balances the childlike freedom to explore connection with the adult need for recognition and respect, suggesting we can bring more play and possibility into our relationship approaches without abandoning responsibility.