Your Unhappy Brain Needs Some Assistance with happiness expert Mo Gawdat | A Bit of Optimism Podcast

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Mo Gawdat's profound conversation about discovering true happiness through the most devastating loss imaginable.

1. Happiness is your default setting

Every child is born happy, making happiness our natural state of being. We cry only when we have a specific need, and once that need is met, we return to our baseline of contentment. This fundamental truth challenges the common belief that happiness is something we must pursue or achieve through external means. Instead, it suggests that unhappiness is actually the deviation from our natural state.

As we grow older, society teaches us to be "sensible, logical, responsible, practical, cynical, critical," as Mo references from Supertramp's "The Logical Song." This conditioning layers complexity and negativity onto our originally simple and joyful existence. The accumulation of these learned behaviors and thought patterns creates the unhappiness we experience as adults.

The implication is profound: happiness isn't something we need to find or create. It's something we need to uncover by removing the obstacles we've placed in its way. This shift in perspective transforms the pursuit of happiness from an additive process to a subtractive one.

2. The happiness equation reveals a simple truth

Mo Gawdat presents a mathematical approach to understanding happiness: your happiness equals or is greater than the difference between the events of your life and your expectations of how life should be. This equation reveals that unhappiness doesn't stem from life itself but from the gap between reality and our desires. When what happens matches or exceeds our expectations, we feel happy. When it falls short, we suffer.

This framework explains why two people can experience the same situation yet have completely different emotional responses. Rain cannot make you happy or unhappy by itself; your reaction depends entirely on whether you wanted rain or sunshine. If it's your ex-girlfriend's wedding day, the rain might delight you. If it's your own wedding, the same rain might disappoint you.

The equation points to two paths for increasing happiness: either change your perception of events or adjust your expectations to be more realistic. Since we often cannot control external events, managing our expectations becomes the more practical approach. This doesn't mean lowering standards or accepting mediocrity; it means aligning our expectations with reality rather than fantasy.

3. Removing stressors beats adding pleasures

Traditional approaches to happiness focus on addition: more money, more experiences, more achievements. Mo's approach flips this completely. He advocates for a "negation strategy" where you identify and eliminate sources of stress rather than trying to add sources of joy. This counterintuitive method recognizes that our natural state is already happy; we just need to remove what's blocking it.

During his Saturday practice, Mo writes down everything that stressed him during the week and actively works to eliminate these stressors. This might mean ending a toxic friendship, changing a routine, or addressing a recurring problem. The process is both practical and profound. By systematically removing negative influences, you create space for your natural happiness to emerge.

This approach also explains why accumulating more possessions or achievements often fails to increase happiness. Adding more to an already cluttered life just creates new sources of stress and complexity. Simplification and elimination prove far more effective than accumulation and addition.

4. Death is the opposite of birth, not life

This philosophical insight fundamentally changes how we view mortality and loss. Mo explains that if life were a video game, birth would be the portal through which we enter this level, and death would be the portal through which we exit. The game itself continues before and after our time here. This perspective helped him process the devastating loss of his son Ali.

For those who hold this belief, death becomes less final and more transitional. It doesn't eliminate grief, but it can make loss more bearable. Mo describes having zero certainty that he'll finish any given day, but 100% certainty that he'll eventually be where Ali is. This long-term perspective provides comfort without denying the reality of loss.

This framework also influences how we live. If this life is just one level of a larger game, our failures and successes take on different meanings. We can approach challenges with less desperation and more curiosity. The gravity of any battle truly does mean nothing to those at peace, as Ali's tattoo proclaimed.

5. Present moment awareness dissolves most suffering

Mo identifies that negative emotions typically anchor in the past or future: regret lives in the past, anxiety lives in the future. Positive emotions like calm and excitement exist in the present. Since past and future are mental constructs that only exist in our minds, most of our suffering is self-generated through time travel that serves no purpose.

Simon's practice of finding joy in making morning coffee exemplifies this principle. By paying attention to the sounds, movements, and sensations of this daily ritual, he transforms a mundane task into a source of contentment. This isn't about formal meditation or hour-long practices. It's about choosing to be fully present in whatever you're doing.

The practical impact is immediate: when you're fully present, time seems to expand. Years that fly by in a blur of busy-ness can be replaced by rich, memorable experiences. Every minute lived with full attention registers as a moment of life. Every minute spent lost in mental time travel vanishes without a trace.

6. Meet Becky: taming your negative brain

Mo's practice of naming his brain "Becky" (after the most annoying girl in school) creates helpful distance between himself and his thoughts. This technique recognizes that our brains evolved as survival machines, constantly scanning for threats and problems. In our safe modern world, this vigilance creates unnecessary suffering. The brain invents problems when none exist.

The "Meet Becky" exercise involves setting a timer for 20 minutes and writing down every negative thought your brain produces. The crucial rule: no thought can be repeated. Around minute 11, most people run out of complaints. The brain literally exhausts its supply of negativity. What follows is often silence, then surprisingly positive suggestions.

After the initial download, you review what you wrote. Many items reveal themselves as ridiculous when seen on paper. You can cross out the absurd ones and create action plans for legitimate concerns. This practice, done weekly, gradually trains your brain to be less negatively obsessive.

7. Money and happiness share a nuanced relationship

The relationship between money and happiness isn't simply "money can't buy happiness." Mo points out that while excess money rarely increases happiness, poverty can definitely buy unhappiness. Research shows that earning below the average income in your area correlates with reduced life satisfaction. However, earning far above average shows diminishing returns on happiness.

The key concept is "enough." Mo now lives on a fraction of his former wealth but feels "filthy rich" relative to his actual needs. He's identified that he needs about fourteen t-shirts per year and structures his life accordingly. The excess goes to others who need it more. This isn't about deprivation; it's about conscious alignment between resources and genuine needs.

Money represents different things to different people based on their history. For someone who grew up poor, wealth might represent security. For someone who was bullied, it might represent status. Understanding your personal relationship with money helps you determine what "enough" means for you and when you can stop optimizing for more.

8. Humans naturally hold opposing feelings

During COVID, Simon experienced both excitement about business chaos and genuine sadness about global suffering. This paradox initially caused guilt until he realized that holding contradictory emotions is part of human design. We can simultaneously love and hate someone. We can grieve a loss while feeling grateful for what remains.

Mo demonstrates this daily, experiencing both profound grief for Ali and deep gratitude for their time together. He describes creating his happiness work from "unbelievable loss and unbelievable discovery." This isn't about choosing one feeling over another or pretending negative emotions don't exist. It's about accepting the full complexity of human experience.

This understanding liberates us from the pressure to feel only one way about complex situations. Parents can feel both exhausted by and deeply in love with their children. Entrepreneurs can feel both terrified and exhilarated by risk. Accepting emotional complexity as normal reduces internal conflict and self-judgment.

9. Scheduled "nothing" time proves surprisingly productive

Both speakers emphasize the vital importance of unstructured time. Simon schedules "do nothing" blocks in his calendar, while Mo takes 40-day silent retreats. This isn't literal inactivity; it's time without predetermined outcomes or productivity metrics. During these periods, the subconscious mind processes problems and generates insights impossible to achieve through focused effort.

Simon learned that our conscious minds access about three feet of information, while our subconscious minds access the equivalent of eleven acres. By engaging only our rational, conscious minds, we severely limit our problem-solving capacity. The solutions we find in the shower or during walks come from finally allowing our subconscious to work.

The challenge is that modern life eliminates negative space. We fill every moment with stimulation: phones, podcasts, work, social media. By consciously creating empty space, we allow our minds to wander and wonder. Mo wrote seven chapters of a book during one silent retreat, not through forced effort but through allowing ideas to emerge naturally.

10. Mission-driven living surpasses target-driven existence

Mo's transformation from executive to creative illustrates a fundamental shift from target-driven to mission-driven living. His goal of "one billion happy" isn't a metric to achieve but a direction to move toward. He knows he'll never count a billion happy people, and that's not the point. The mission provides orientation without the stress of specific outcomes.

This approach mirrors how a submarine navigates: it zigzags toward north, occasionally checking direction, rather than moving in a perfectly straight line. Success comes from consistent movement in the right direction rather than hitting predetermined milestones. Mo reviews his social media strategy, his work methods, and his lifestyle based on whether they serve the mission, not whether they hit targets.

The freedom in mission-driven living is profound. You can change tactics without feeling like you've failed. You can measure progress by momentum rather than metrics. Most importantly, you can find satisfaction in daily efforts rather than postponing happiness until you reach some future goal. As Mo learned from his tragedy, life is too uncertain to delay meaning until tomorrow.