Kids (And Employees) Know More Than You Think with Dr. Becky Kennedy | A Bit of Optimism Podcast
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Simon Sinek and Dr. Becky Kennedy's conversation on "A Bit of Optimism," where they shared insights that apply equally to parenting and leadership.
1. Information doesn't scare kids as much as a lack of information
Dr. Becky explains that children are expert perceivers of their environment because their survival depends on it. When kids notice things changing around them but aren't given an explanation, they become anxious and may act out. This happens because children are attuned to changes in their environment as they depend on adults for their basic needs.
The better approach is to acknowledge what children are noticing and provide them with appropriate information. Dr. Becky suggests starting conversations with phrases like "You're right to notice that" and then explaining what's happening in terms they can understand. When children have a narrative to make sense of changes, they feel safer and more secure even in challenging situations.
2. Parenting principles apply to leadership
Simon and Dr. Becky discuss how principles of good parenting directly translate to effective leadership in professional settings. Dr. Becky describes her approach as teaching "sturdy leadership" rather than just parenting techniques. This involves setting boundaries, maintaining authority, and seeing the good in others while helping them bring it out.
Leaders, like parents, are responsible for creating conditions where others can succeed. They need to be truthful even when the truth is difficult. Simon notes that parenting books often contain the best advice for leadership because they focus on validating emotions and creating psychological safety. The conversation reveals that whether you're managing children or employees, the fundamental human needs for respect, truth, and safety remain consistent.
3. Children are born good inside but lack skills
Dr. Becky emphasizes that children are inherently good but are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage those emotions. This gap between feelings and skills explains most behavioral problems in children. When feelings exist without regulatory skills, they manifest as problematic behavior.
For generations, the approach was to punish children for their feelings by sending them away. This treated feelings as the problem rather than addressing the skill deficit. Dr. Becky argues that the better approach is to recognize that feelings aren't the problem—the lack of skills is. By teaching children skills to manage their emotions rather than suppressing them, we help them develop tools they'll use throughout their lives.
4. Intention matters more than intervention
One of the most powerful insights from the conversation is that "someone feels your intention more than they feel your intervention." This means that people, especially children, perceive the underlying motivation behind our actions more than the actions themselves. When our intention is to teach and help someone improve, it feels very different than when our intention is to release our own frustration.
Dr. Becky explains that before addressing a mistake or problem behavior, we should check our intentions. Are we trying to help the person grow, or are we just venting our emotions? This principle applies equally in parenting and professional leadership contexts. People respond more positively when they sense genuine care behind correction rather than anger or frustration.
5. Fault and blame create shame, which inhibits learning
Dr. Becky challenges the usefulness of fault and blame as frameworks for addressing mistakes. She explains that focusing on who's at fault creates shame, and shame makes people freeze up rather than learn. When someone feels blamed, they're less receptive to guidance and growth opportunities.
Instead of asking "whose fault is this?" or assigning blame, Dr. Becky suggests focusing on solutions. She recommends approaching situations with curiosity and a genuine desire to help develop better skills and systems. This approach creates psychological safety and encourages people to take responsibility without feeling attacked. When people don't fear being shamed, they're more willing to acknowledge mistakes and work on improving.
6. Boundaries are misunderstood but essential
Dr. Becky offers a clarifying definition of boundaries: "A boundary is something you tell someone you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing." This differs from the common misunderstanding that boundaries are rules we impose on others that they must follow. True boundaries are about our own actions and responses, not controlling others' behavior.
For example, instead of repeatedly telling someone not to do something (which isn't a boundary), a proper boundary would state what you will do in response to their action. The power of real boundaries is that they don't depend on the other person's compliance. This makes boundaries an essential tool for maintaining healthy relationships while preserving personal autonomy. Dr. Becky explains that boundaries ultimately strengthen relationships by communicating what you need to continue a positive connection.
7. We need to spend time preparing, not just reacting
Dr. Becky addresses the common objection that developing better leadership or parenting skills takes too much time. She acknowledges that learning new approaches does require an initial investment of time and energy. However, she points out that we either "spend time preparing or reacting."
The time spent dealing with problems after they occur—through arguments, damage control, and emotional fallout—is often far greater than the time needed for prevention. We don't notice this reactive time because it's our default mode. Developing proactive skills may feel uncomfortable at first because it's unfamiliar, but it ultimately saves time and emotional energy. This perspective shift helps prioritize the upfront investment in better skills and approaches.
8. Triggers are unhealed memories interrupting the present
Dr. Becky provides a powerful framework for understanding emotional triggers: "Triggers are memories from our past that are interrupting in our present." These aren't necessarily conscious memories but often manifest as emotional patterns stored in our bodies. When triggered, we're responding to historical patterns rather than current reality.
Our bodies store these emotional memories even when we can't consciously recall specific incidents. This explains why parents can trigger us in ways that others can't—they were present during the formation of our earliest emotional patterns. By recognizing triggers as signals of unhealed areas rather than inappropriate reactions, we gain insight into what needs healing. Our emotional responses to triggers can teach us about our early experiences and what shaped us.
9. Changing relationships requires changing self-talk first
Dr. Becky explains that to change how we interact with others, we must first change how we interact with ourselves. Our internal dialogue sets the pattern for our external communications. If we're harsh and critical with ourselves, we'll likely demonstrate the same patterns with others, even unintentionally.
The path to improvement begins with self-validation and self-compassion. Dr. Becky suggests practicing phrases like "I'm a good person who didn't respond to that email" rather than harsh self-criticism. By building the habit of validating ourselves first, we develop the capacity to extend that same grace to others. This internal work creates the foundation for healthier external relationships.
10. "Bad" kids are often good kids in desperate need of support
Dr. Becky shares her passion for helping children who have been labeled as "bad," "difficult," or "defiant." She explains that these children are actually good kids who are having a hard time and are in desperate need of support. Their challenging behaviors are expressions of pain rather than character flaws.
When a child acts out persistently, it signals a need for different support rather than punishment. Dr. Becky describes working with a teenage client who had been cutting herself and pushing people away. Through patience and understanding, she was able to help the teen reveal her vulnerability and real needs. This approach recognizes that behind defiant behavior is often fear and pain that requires compassionate leadership rather than discipline.
The conversation emphasizes the importance of seeing beyond problematic behaviors to the good inside each person. When we approach challenging people with this perspective, we create opportunities for genuine connection and growth. This applies equally to children, employees, and everyone we interact with in our various roles.