Why Awkward is Awesome with psychologist Ty Tashiro | A Bit of Optimism Podcast

Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Simon Sinek's conversation with psychologist Ty Tashiro that reveal why awkwardness might actually be your hidden superpower.

1. Social awkwardness is distinct from introversion/extroversion

Social awkwardness and introversion are commonly confused, but they're separate characteristics with only a small correlation between them. While many people assume awkward individuals are introverted, Ty explains that this isn't always true. There are plenty of awkward extroverts whose unmoderated social energy can be overwhelming to others.

Susan Cain's definition of introversion and extroversion focuses on energy dynamics - introverts lose energy during social interactions while extroverts gain energy. This energy exchange model differs completely from awkwardness, which is about social fluency regardless of whether someone gains or loses energy through social contact.

2. Awkwardness is about failing to meet social expectations

At its core, awkwardness stems from not quite meeting social expectations in various situations. Ty explains that awkward moments are deviations from relatively minor social expectations, like having spinach in your teeth or an unzipped zipper. These aren't major violations but create uncomfortable moments.

Adolescence brings increased awkwardness because of rapidly changing physical and mental development. Teenagers suddenly face new social expectations about fashion, behavior, and popularity while their ability to meet these expectations lags behind. This gap between expectations and ability creates the universal awkwardness most people experience during teenage years.

3. Awkward people possess unique observational skills

Awkward individuals often develop into careful observers of social situations and human behavior. Ty shares how he would study people he admired for their social skills, watching how they greeted others, responded in conversations, and even their posture. This observational tendency helps awkward people better understand social dynamics.

This heightened awareness can be both a strength and a challenge. While awkward people may notice details others miss, they can also become hyperaware of their own behavior, counting eye contact seconds or overthinking interactions. Their observer mindset allows them to see the world differently and often spot patterns or solutions that more socially fluent individuals might overlook.

4. Awkwardness correlates with extraordinary achievement

One fascinating aspect of awkwardness is its strong correlation with extraordinary achievement and striking talent. Research shows that people who accomplish remarkable things are more likely to be socially awkward. This connection isn't about intelligence but rather stems from the obsessive interests awkward people often develop.

Awkward individuals tend to become deeply absorbed in subjects they love, examining minutiae and details that others might ignore. Ty shares an anecdote about an awkward friend who disassembled a perfectly functional toaster simply to understand how it worked. This obsessive tendency helps awkward people persist through challenges and potentially achieve exceptional results in their areas of interest.

5. Social fluency can be learned through specific techniques

Though awkwardness may have genetic components, social fluency can be developed through specific techniques and practice. Ty describes how he deliberately studied social behaviors like appropriate personal space (ideally 18-19 inches in the US) and eye contact patterns (approximately 3.1 seconds of eye contact followed by 1 second looking away).

These skills initially require conscious effort and practice, similar to learning to ride a bicycle. The hyperawareness during practice can feel uncomfortable at first, but eventually, the behaviors become more natural. While an awkward person may not achieve complete social fluency, they can develop proficiency that allows them to navigate social situations more comfortably.

6. Awkward people process social information differently

Research suggests that awkward people literally see social situations differently. Eye-tracking studies show that socially fluent people instinctively focus on the eye region of faces, which contains the most social information. Awkward individuals, however, often look at areas like the chin or ear that contain less social data.

This alternative focus may serve as a protective mechanism, making social interactions less emotionally overwhelming. By reducing the intensity of face-to-face contact, awkward people can better manage what might otherwise be an overstimulating experience. This different processing method helps explain why social interactions can feel more effortful for awkward individuals.

7. Awkwardness has a significant genetic component

Ty reveals that awkwardness shows strong heritability, with approximately 53% heritability in boys and 39% in girls. This significant genetic component suggests that awkwardness isn't simply a learned behavior but has biological foundations that are passed down through generations.

The evolutionary persistence of awkwardness raises interesting questions about its survival value. Rather than being selected out of the gene pool, awkwardness has continued to exist across human history. This persistence suggests that awkward traits may provide evolutionary advantages that balance or outweigh their social challenges.

8. Environmental strategies can help manage awkwardness

Simon shares a powerful strategy for managing awkwardness: choosing environments where different social expectations exist. Rather than forcing himself into challenging social settings like crowded parties, he opts for smaller gatherings where the expectations better match his natural tendencies and strengths.

This approach represents a shift from trying to change oneself to accommodate all environments to selecting environments that allow natural strengths to shine. Small dinner gatherings, for instance, have different social expectations than loud parties. In these settings, an awkward person's natural curiosity and listening skills can become assets rather than liabilities.

9. Awkward people often excel at empathy for others struggling socially

Awkward individuals frequently develop strong empathy for others who face social challenges. Having experienced social difficulty themselves, they're often more attuned to others' discomfort and more willing to help. This empathic quality represents a valuable strength that socially fluent people might learn from.

Ty notes that awkward people often notice when someone is struggling socially, while more socially fluent individuals might miss these cues. The sensitivity to social discomfort, born from personal experience, can make awkward people especially compassionate and supportive in certain situations. This empathic tendency highlights how awkwardness can contribute positively to social environments.

10. Small talk and initial interactions present the greatest challenges

Both Simon and Ty agree that small talk and the first few minutes of social interaction present the greatest difficulties for awkward people. Simon observes that if awkward people could skip the first five minutes of conversation, they'd often do fine. The superficial nature of small talk can be particularly challenging compared to deeper discussions.

This insight suggests potential strategies for awkward individuals, such as steering conversations toward substantive topics more quickly. Another effective approach is focusing on getting others to speak about themselves. When the other person talks two-thirds of the time and the awkward person one-third, interactions typically go well since most people enjoy talking about themselves to an interested listener.