Elizabeth Gilbert — How to Set Strong Boundaries, Overcome Purpose Anxiety, & Find Your Inner Voice
Here are the top 10 key takeaways from Tim Ferriss's conversation with Elizabeth Gilbert on setting boundaries, overcoming purpose anxiety, and finding your authentic inner voice.
1. Having "no cherished outcome"
Elizabeth Gilbert shares a powerful concept from a Celtic poem about approaching life without attachment to specific results. The phrase "I have no cherished outcome" becomes a foundational agreement in her friendships. She explains that this mindset allows her to interact with others without expectation or disappointment.
When we enter situations with cherished outcomes, we set ourselves up for disappointment and resentment. Gilbert notes that we often don't realize we had a cherished outcome until we don't get what we wanted and feel upset about it. This philosophy helps her examine her reactions and take responsibility for her expectations rather than blaming others.
2. The practice of writing letters from unconditional love
Gilbert describes a transformative practice of writing herself letters from the perspective of unconditional love. This practice began during a period of deep depression following her divorce when she felt intense shame and failure. The voice that emerged in these letters told her she was loved exactly as she was, with no requirements or expectations.
This practice is similar to "two-way prayer," where you ask one question and then listen rather than engage in dialogue. Gilbert explains that starting with an endearment sets the tone for unconditional acceptance. She emphasizes that even if it initially feels artificial, simply changing the internal voice from critical to kind can be profoundly healing.
3. Boundaries as essential for self-care
Setting boundaries emerges as a crucial component of self-care in Gilbert's discussion. She advocates for "hardcore boundaries" with people who drain her peace and serenity. Gilbert acknowledges that maintaining boundaries isn't easy but feels a sense of stewardship toward herself that makes it necessary.
She shares various approaches to setting boundaries, from honest conversations to simply stopping communication. Gilbert references Rachel Cargle's radical position that nobody is entitled to be in your life, regardless of biological relationship. This perspective challenges the notion that we must maintain relationships that harm our well-being simply because of family ties or history.
4. The three pillars of being a relaxed woman
Gilbert presents the revolutionary concept of a "relaxed woman" in a world where women are typically expected to be constantly busy, stressed, and responsible for everything. She identifies three pillars that allow her to be relaxed: boundaries, priorities, and mysticism. Without these elements, she experiences significant stress.
The boundaries protect her time and energy. Clear priorities help her focus on what truly matters rather than trying to care about everything. Gilbert suggests women should have about four or five priorities rather than attempting to prioritize everyone and everything as society often expects of them.
5. The freedom found in mysticism
The third pillar of being a relaxed woman—mysticism—involves connecting to something larger than oneself. Gilbert explains that mysticism helps her transcend the day-to-day stresses of life by providing perspective and relieving the pressure to control everything. Through meditation and two-way prayer, she accesses a deeper peace.
Gilbert finds comfort in the idea that she doesn't fully understand reality. She references physicists who acknowledge that our perception of reality is limited. This uncertainty, rather than causing anxiety, actually brings her peace. It lowers the stakes of daily life when she recognizes that she "doesn't even know what she's looking at."
6. Purpose anxiety and its alternative
Gilbert discusses "purpose anxiety," the pressure many people feel to discover their unique purpose, excel at it, monetize it, and leave a legacy. This anxiety stems from the belief that we each have one special offering that only we can deliver. The burden becomes immense when coupled with expectations to master this purpose early in life and make a significant impact.
As an alternative to a purpose-driven life, Gilbert suggests a life of presence. She tells a story about holding a ladder for a stranger, proposing that perhaps such a simple act of kindness was the entire purpose of her existence. This perspective replaces the self-centered focus on legacy with an openness to being present and helpful in the moment.
7. The wisdom of "you'll be notified"
Throughout the conversation, Gilbert mentions receiving guidance through her spiritual practice that often includes the phrase "you'll be notified." This concept represents trusting that she'll be directed toward what she needs to do when it's time. This approach contrasts sharply with the anxious striving to figure everything out independently.
This guidance helps Gilbert discern which involvements are necessary and which aren't. She describes receiving clear instructions about certain creative projects being mandatory while other activities are optional. This discernment allows her to focus her energy where it's truly needed rather than spreading herself thin across numerous commitments.
8. Why questions vs. how questions in spiritual practice
Gilbert makes a fascinating distinction between different types of questions in spiritual inquiry. She observes that "why" questions—like "why did this happen?"—typically yield no satisfying answers. These questions can lead to blame, self-pity, or endless speculation without resolution.
In contrast, questions beginning with "how," "who," or "what" often provide practical guidance. Asking "How do you want me to move through this?" or "What's the next right action?" tends to elicit clear direction. This insight helps redirect spiritual inquiry from frustrating "why" loops toward productive guidance that can be applied to daily life.
9. Certainty as a source of anxiety
Counter to common belief, Gilbert suggests that certainty often increases anxiety rather than alleviating it. She describes how her certainty about life, relationships, and situations can make her more anxious because it creates rigid expectations. Embracing uncertainty, while initially uncomfortable, ultimately reduces anxiety by allowing more flexibility and openness.
This perspective aligns with her spiritual practices, which emphasize letting go of control and trusting in a larger process. Gilbert finds that acknowledging the limits of her understanding brings peace rather than distress. This approach helps her maintain perspective when faced with life's challenges.
10. Artistic discipline and commitment
Despite her spiritual openness, Gilbert demonstrates remarkable discipline in her creative work. She describes having a "hardass" approach to managing creative ideas, requiring them to earn her time and attention. When tempted to abandon a current project for an exciting new idea, she resists unless she has a proven track record of completing projects.
Gilbert uses the metaphor of marriage versus infatuation to explain her commitment to finishing creative projects. She likens new ideas to "the hottest girl at the dance" tempting her away from her current "marriage" to an ongoing project. Her discipline allows her to complete substantial works rather than constantly chasing new inspirations without bringing any to fruition.